Our Philosophy

  1. NOT ALL SERIAL CHEATERS ARE SEX ADDICTS! If a label is needed for MC, then Selfish-Oppressive-Bastard (SOB) syndrome would be more appropriate.
  2. The unfaithful should build safety before the couple can begin to rebuild trust. Here is what that looked like for us: our measures of safety.
  3. Learn to count your blessings and model this for your children. This is especially important for the unfaithful, who all too often was focused on the negative of their day-to-day life. For more on this, check out count your blessings.
  4. The unfaithful will need to do the heavy-lifting to help stabilize the betrayed spouse upon discovery of the trauma; this part alone is likely to be a long road. The unfaithful spouse trying to set a time frame for the betrayed to get through the trauma is not realistic or healthy.
  5. When the betrayed spouse is ready, the betrayed should work toward forgiving themselves (in TigerLily’s case it was forgiving herself for a) not having discovered the betrayal sooner and b) letting go of so much of what made her unique, in an attempt to protect MindlessCraft’s fragile ego.
  6. Address the betrayed’s fears about what outcome s/he thinks is the worst-case scenario. For us that was to discuss what the fine details of divorce would look like so that TigerLily felt she was not making any decisions based on the fear of divorce.
  7. There is no quick fix or silver bullet. You will both be working on this for the entirety of your marriage. Though with time, effort, and constant attention you and your marriage can be healthier than before.
  8. Base your actions on real self-esteem and internal validation, not on comparing yourself to others, not on image or ego. Remember, ego is not the same as self-esteem. One must learn to build self-esteem through internal validation and stop depending upon external validators to build a false sense of ego. Replacing one form of external validation with another, even a more healthy one, at best, is nothing more than a temporary stop-gap measure. Internal validation means figuring out the type of person YOU want to be and choosing the actions, behaviors, values and beliefs that are consistent with who YOU want to be, living authentically.
  9. “Happily ever after”and  “we are reconciled” are expressions that cause more harm than good. These imply that reconciliation is a job that can be finished and forgotten, when in fact it is not an accomplishment, it is a way of life.
  10. Complete honesty and open communication, even on the hard stuff, are what help healthy choices become healthy habits, and a healthy life-style.
  11. Do the work to find and fix what is broken within you, realize that you do have power over your choices. You do NOT, cannot, control anyone else, but you do control you; you control your perceptions, your reactions, your behavior and your choices. Help and guidance along the way is valued and needed, but ultimately it is up to you to realize that you are responsible for your life, for your choices and deciding the kind of person you want to be and choosing to do what it takes to be that kind of person.

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