How to stop being jealous of her premarital experiences?

This is a difficult topic to discuss. Women, as well as modern men with even half a brain, may say it is ridiculous or misogynist for me to have been jealous of my wife for having one-night stands before marriage.. They’re right. It is ridiculous and misogynist, especially considering that she is relatively liberal and progressive and that I would also like to be liberal and progressive. The following fact may make your jaws drop further. Prior to our marriage, I had more sexual experience than she had, with a roughly similar number of previous partners. So, how could I be jealous? I had no right to be jealous. Of course, I had no right to be jealous.

Nonetheless, I was jealous. I was jealous that she had several successful one-night stands with people she had met only a few hours before intercourse while I, on the other hand, had never had even one one-night stand with a complete stranger. Yes, it’s still ridiculous and misogynist for me to have such jealousy. But, I was jealous. And, it drove me insane – or, more insane.

This is the basic jealousy that I used to motivate and justify my attitude within our marriage that my wife owed me sex, my insatiable demand for sex and ego-stroking, and my adultery. With my goal of preventing future adultery and selfishness on my part, I should be certain to prevent a recurrence of this ridiculous and misogynist jealousy. How?

First, I can reason that whether I become more sexually desirable than her previous partners or not, it will not affect our relationship, her view of me, or my view of myself, and it will be impossible to verify it. Can I get a bigger penis than her previous partners? No. Can I get a better body than her previous partners? I can improve my body, gradually and within my genetically predetermined limits. Otherwise, no, I can’t. Can I give her more physical pleasure than her previous partners? I can pay more attention to the things she prefers. I should do that anyway. Will it work? Who knows? There is no way for me to know. I’m not her. And, what does all this matter? If I become more sexually desirable to her, will she want me more or love me more? Who knows? Will she compliment me more than she already does?  If she did, would I believe it? No. If I become better or more desirable, would I like myself more? How would I know? Probably not. If I fail to become more desirable than her previous partners, will she leave me? No.

She’s probably had bigger penises, more muscular dudes, and guys that made her orgasm more. I can’t change that. Wanting to change that just hurts me. It does not help me, in any way. She was able to score one-night stands. I was, and am, too impatient and self-conscious to try. I can’t change that in the past, and it’s not really worth it to me to try changing it in the future, even in some hypothetical future in which I become single again. One reason I never had one-night stands is that they were not worth the effort for me. Women can have them with relatively low investment in time and bruised egos. For a skinny, short, average guy like me, the investment in time and bruised egos is just too high. I need to stop blaming her, me, and God for that fact. It’s just a fact. I must stop, definitively, wanting to change that fact that cannot be changed. Wanting to change it caused me suffering. To prevent future suffering, I must not allow myself to want to change that fact.

Second, I can stop blaming her for things that are not her fault. It’s not her fault she had opportunities and took them while I was too impatient and insecure to invest the time and take the chances. It’s not her fault God made me the way I am and made her the way she is.

Third, I can try to keep it in my thick skull that marriage is primarily about friendship, and not primarily about sex, possessing my spouse, nor about meeting my needs for ego-stroking. One example of behaving as a friend is to be happy for her that she had some good experiences rather than being jealous of her.

So, again, it’s clearly self-defeating and even cruel of me to be jealous of her. What do you think of my strategy for excising the jealousy? Am I missing anything? Will it work? Or, is managing my negative conditioning the only realistic approach to it?


7 thoughts on “How to stop being jealous of her premarital experiences?

  1. Wow.
    How self indulgent can you be?
    Whining about how to let go of the pain of your wife’s sexual past- PRIOR to your marriage?

    Meanwhile, your wife continues to suffer the excruciating pain of knowing that you desired other women and that YOU CHOSE to have sex with them While You Were Married To Her.

    Her past did not VIOLATE you in any way.
    You were not betrayed.
    You were not lied to.
    You were not blindsided.
    Your reality was not altered.
    Your history was not rewritten without your knowledge.
    Her ‘past” did not cause you to question everything you believed about your relationship.
    It did not scar every good memory created during your marriage.

    How do you get over being jealous that your wife had sexual partners BEFORE SHE MET YOU? How about this:

    The next time you’re tempted to indulge in self pity and rationalize that her past contributed to your disgusting, heartless behavior, REMIND YOURSELF THAT HAVING SEX WITH OTHER WOMEN WAS MORE IMPORTANT TO YOU THAN BEING LOYAL TO YOUR WIFE.
    Remind yourself that SHE KNOWS THIS and has to live with it daily.

    Remind yourself that you KNOWINGLY violated her trust.

    Remind yourself that she will carry the pain of your selfish, pathetic choices for the rest of her life.

    Remind yourself that your actions WHILE MARRIED have absolutely NOTHING in common with what your wife did while single.

    Get over yourself.


    1. Yes, you’re right. TL and I discussed this very topic many times.

      My goal now is to do as one counselor suggested, and just stop these retroactive jealousy thoughts cold, forget them, and move on. That’s mostly what I do.

      Is it okay to do that? Or, am I avoiding things by doing that? Am I just suppressing sick thoughts that will come out uncontrollably and unpredictability in the future?


      1. This was my approach until about a week ago, and for the most part, it was working. But then we talked about something else that l didn’t know about, or had misunderstood, so just yelling “STOP” inside my head didn’t work and isn’t working.

        I’m trying to do what I can this time to deal with it better. Before I first spoke to my girlfriend about all this, she had noticed me getting quiet and cold sometimes, and I knew when she was confused about my behaviour but couldn’t snap out of it. I was on the path to messing things up so one night I told her everything. That has definitely helped but I’m not quite there yet. I want to do anything I can to not mess this up or hurt her.

        I also understand what Linda said above and there is never any excuse for hurting someone like you did. But I also know it’s not quite that simple.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Steve, wow. That description of getting quiet and cold is frighteningly familiar.

          It does sound like a good idea that you told her about your struggles. I told TL, of course. On the other hand, it seems to add an enormous burden to the wife or girlfriend who then has to tiptoe around the sick man who is Chasing Amy. In this case, I’m not sure that a burden shared is a burden halved.


          1. Talking about your struggles is one thing and I think a good thing. What would not be ok is to ever treat her as if your struggles are her fault. What would not be ok is to ever put pressure on her to take away these thoughts from you, only you can do that. What would not be ok is to make her feel bad for having had a life before you. What would not be ok is to resent her for being herself.

            Liked by 1 person

  2. Linda, by the way, I’ve used all your good suggestions. They work fine.

    Also, on the rare occasion when retroactive jealousy tempts me, I tell myself it is wrong thinking and that I must stop it. That works too.

    The reason I wrote about this jealousy is not to say it is a current problem nor to complain. I’m just trying to answer the question, “What were you thinking” all those years ago.

    Again, retroactive jealousy is ridiculous and misogynist. Please don’t think I believe otherwise.


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