Another brain worm

Here is what has been eating away at my brain. I’m not sure why this entered my thoughts when it did, but here it is eating away.

When MC was with his first AP (a COW) back in 1998, she tagged along on a business trip to Chicago with him. During this trip he told her, “I am happier than I’ve been in years.” Now, understand, MC and I had only been together for 4 years at this point. So, what I hear is “I’m happier with you than I ever was with my wife.” Add to that the reality that, prior to d-day, MC never expressed that level of happiness about his life with me, not even when our kids were born. He can say those words all he wants now, but such words now seem like an after-the-fact lame attempt that just leaves me feeling empty inside.

We stayed up late talking last night. He tried explaining to me that he was happy for the wrong reasons, it was shallow and based on the illicitness of the behavior itself. That didn’t really help me at all. He tried putting it in writing today, sending me this e-mail:

I’ll have to remember to specifically ask Counselor J if there is something — aside from the obvious — psychologically significant about people deriving pleasure from illicit behavior.  Regardless, that’s the whole point of the values-focused RN study; to change the source of pleasure from wrong values to right values.  That’s what all sixty-one of those lessons has addressed so far.

Anyway, yesterday was wonderful, in my view; full of genuinely and correctly happy moments for me.

Somehow that doesn’t really help me either. I don’t know what to do or even explain what it is I need from him in all of this, what I need for me, what I need from me. I just don’t know, but I know it is something.

ETA: Actually it is clear to me what triggered this thinking. MC’s affair with this co-worker started with them eating meals alone together. . .

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7 thoughts on “Another brain worm

      1. With respects to the cows, and the donkeys…

        One local guide on a trip one time said “if the donkey starts to look attractive, it is time to go home”.

        Well, looking at pictures of the whore, I can see nothing that could even be remotely attractive. But it made H “feeling alive”, he felt “like a teenager again”, “the whore made him happy”……”he said “I was always happy to see her”.

        Sorry to hear that. You also said that I was the love of your life.

        Yep, I am done.

        Not because of what he did with the whore, but because he still does not get it.

        DONE

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  1. Unfortunately, TL’s basic points here are true.

    The only place I must disagree is to say that the birth of our children has always genuinely been among the happiest moments in my life. Yes, I suspect I failed to express it strongly enough at the time. But, that failure was due to some personal defect on my part, not due to malice.

    Now, yes, I told that affair partner I was happy with her. That’s not because I was genuinely happy. It’s because I was an idiot. I was happy about indulging myself and not getting caught. I think that’s sick and wrong.

    But, that doesn’t change the fact that I’ve created this terrible inequity for TL. She never got to hear that she was the cause of extreme happiness. She was, and she is. But, as she said, it does indeed seem like way too little, way too late for me to say that.

    I don’t know what to do. It is unfair to her. It is sad. It is unforgivable. Again, all I can do is try to help her be happy now, and try to support her in her pain.

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  2. Maybe not quite the same but OH told the OW that she was “one of my best friends”. He has never once told me that during our whole 17 year relationship. Not even since DDay. That really hurts!

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