Here is what has been eating away at my brain. I’m not sure why this entered my thoughts when it did, but here it is eating away.
When MC was with his first AP (a COW) back in 1998, she tagged along on a business trip to Chicago with him. During this trip he told her, “I am happier than I’ve been in years.” Now, understand, MC and I had only been together for 4 years at this point. So, what I hear is “I’m happier with you than I ever was with my wife.” Add to that the reality that, prior to d-day, MC never expressed that level of happiness about his life with me, not even when our kids were born. He can say those words all he wants now, but such words now seem like an after-the-fact lame attempt that just leaves me feeling empty inside.
We stayed up late talking last night. He tried explaining to me that he was happy for the wrong reasons, it was shallow and based on the illicitness of the behavior itself. That didn’t really help me at all. He tried putting it in writing today, sending me this e-mail:
I’ll have to remember to specifically ask Counselor J if there is something — aside from the obvious — psychologically significant about people deriving pleasure from illicit behavior. Regardless, that’s the whole point of the values-focused RN study; to change the source of pleasure from wrong values to right values. That’s what all sixty-one of those lessons has addressed so far.
Anyway, yesterday was wonderful, in my view; full of genuinely and correctly happy moments for me.
Somehow that doesn’t really help me either. I don’t know what to do or even explain what it is I need from him in all of this, what I need for me, what I need from me. I just don’t know, but I know it is something.
ETA: Actually it is clear to me what triggered this thinking. MC’s affair with this co-worker started with them eating meals alone together. . .