Lesson 64 of Recovery Nation asks, “What skills do you feel you have worked hard to develop? What skills need additional work?”
I feel I have spent a lot of time developing values. What about skills? Is constant communication with my wife a skill? I have made progress on that. I still need more work on the following skills: listening, adapting to urgent events, and remaining focused on my highest priorities rather than being distracted by busy work or time fillers.
“Explore your attitude in regards to whether or not ‘addiction’ is a part of you; or merely a pattern that developed in your life.”
I still reject the term “addiction” in this endeavor. But, what about my unhealthy behaviors? What about lying, selfishness, inflexibility, backwards priorities, lack of empathy, and turning to self-destructive or time-wasting activities to make myself feel better? Lying, backwards priorities, lack of empathy, and time-wasting activities were terrible habits that began during childhood. I think they were developed patterns rather than a part of me. I’m working to learn and ingrain honesty and integrity in place of lying. I’m likewise learning to make and maintain healthy priorities. I’m trying to develop empathy. I have some, but more would be helpful. I have so far done a decent job of eliminating the time-wasting activities.
Selfishness and inflexibility strike me as more than just terrible habits that I learned. They might be personality traits for me; traits that I must manage for the rest of my life.
“Explore your awareness as to the role that your compulsive rituals played…and what it would mean should they return. Explore how you would respond? Explore your confidence level in that response.”
What should I consider compulsive rituals, for the sake of this exercise? They might fall into four categories. First, there were compulsive rituals I used to deal with restless energy, physical and mental energy that was not properly used in daily life nor stored through sleep. In this category I would include porn use, masturbation, habitual smoking, habitual drinking, and habitual – as opposed to relationship appropriate – sex, even with my wife. My concern about returning to any of those behaviors is, primarily, that it may be difficult to stop again. They’re like potato chips: bad for you, and it’s hard to have just one. Further, they might signal, to myself and to those around me, that I am neglecting my priorities and commitments.
I can think of three useful responses. One, tell my wife, immediately. If I can’t speak to her immediately, write to her about it. If I can’t do that, tell someone – anyone trustworthy – immediately. Telling someone will help me fortify the willpower to prevent it from recurring. Two, develop, discuss with my wife, and implement new, additional mechanisms for accountability, transparency, and self-control. Three, with the future in mind, and perhaps consulting literature and other people, I can try to figure out what thoughts or behaviors led to the problematic behavior. That could provide clues for preventing recurrence. I have a high level of confidence that those responses are realistic and helpful.
Second, there were rituals I used to try and compensate for feelings of inadequacy or a false sense of injustice. This is where I would list seeking sex, paid or available, outside my marriage. Obviously, a return to that behavior would end my marriage and perhaps destroy any remaining respect my sons or others might have for me. It could also bring renewed damage to health and reputation as well as further loss of money and time. And, it would violate my hard-won commitments to integrity, compassion, and empathy.
As for helpful responses, perhaps it would be useful to recall that the offensive behavior in this case is not just adultery, but also even seeking the opportunity or conditions that could permit adultery. It’s not just asking a prostitute to name her price. It’s also seriously thinking about approaching a prostitute for the discussion. It’s not just touching or propositioning an available woman. It’s also conversing, verbally or non-verbally, with a woman in an attempt to determine whether she is available. So, to capture all this, how can I respond if I find myself seriously considering talking to a woman inappropriately? Viewing it that way, I can apply the same three responses I described above: tell someone, devise additional accountability mechanisms, and find the root cause. I am confident those responses are realistic and helpful.
Third, there were rituals I used for self-defense. This means lying or failing to defend the truth due to fear of confrontation. Returning to those behaviors would violate my developing commitments to integrity and courage. Upon discovering such behavior, the first response is to immediately correct the lie or confront the truth. Then, telling someone and exploring the root causes should help. Fourth, perhaps, were rituals for retaining the comfort of control. By this I mean inflexibility, failure to adapt to an emergent need to respond to my wife, son, or even boss or colleague. Returning to that inflexibility would, in addition to disappointing my family or others, disappoint me as I work to become more flexible. Again, the response is to immediately correct the inflexibility with flexibility, tell someone, and explore root causes with a view toward preventing recurrence. I am confident those responses are realistic and helpful.
“Explore your overall balance and stability…how much of your life is spent ‘fighting urges, managing urges, acting out, engaging in recovery activities, etc.’ versus how much of your life is spent just living”
I can lump the first three categories of compulsive rituals together: those related to restless energy, feelings of inadequacy, and self-defense. For the sake of trying to quantify the time and energy I spend managing such urges now, I’d put it at something less than one percent of my time and energy. The rituals related to comfort and control still require a bit more of my time and energy; let’s say one percent instead of less than one percent.
“Assess your identity for hyper-sexuality. How prevalent is it?”
Hyper-sexuality is definitely not part of my life today. I can regularly go to sleep without sex, and without feeling any insecurity or resentment nor having obsessive thoughts about it. I still frequently have a nagging desire for sex, but I am able to put it out of my mind and think of other things.
Was it before D-day? I certainly thought about sex many times more frequently and more intensely than I do now, and it was usually with associated feelings of dissatisfaction or insecurity.
“Assess your value system. How efficient are you in using it to make decisions, achieve balance, etc.?”
Without looking back at my notes, the values I want to keep near the top of my mind are integrity, family, flexibility, honesty, mindfulness, empathy, and courage. They are the right values. I think I need further practice at staying focused on them. They are a necessary counterweight to my negative instincts of selfishness and self-centeredness.