Lesson fifty-seven of Recovery Nation contained one familiar nugget of wisdom: “This stimuli can come in the form of something you see (a picture, a person), a way that you feel (bored, angry, depressed), or in just about any form that is capable of triggering an emotional connection.” As B used to say, in my case the vulnerabilities that dog me are emotional states, not physical temptations. She used the acronym HALT, for hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. For me, I think the vulnerable states are bored, anonymous, and restless. I guess the acronym would be BAR.
Lesson 57 says: “Create an action plan for managing your most common compulsive ritual using the following guide:”
Let’s be clear. The following passage refers to the future, not the past. It refers to a hypothetical future situation, not a real event from the past.
“1) Define the situation.” I’m at work — in my office, not out of town in a hotel room — rushing to finish my most urgent tasks for the day so I can fit in a workout when my wife calls and says she needs me to read something she just sent me and discuss it with her. In this hypothetical future scenario, I missed my workout yesterday, and I know tomorrow will be super busy. I’m also low on food and sleep.
The item she brings to my attention may or may not be complex. I don’t know. But, I am tempted to assume it is complex, and I must resist the temptation to overdramatize the situation.
“2) Evaluate all realistic options.” I could drop everything, and engage with my wife immediately. Or, I could rudely and hurriedly tell her the day is really busy, and insist we talk that evening, at home. Or, I could engage with her in a hurried and unfocused manner. Or, I could talk to her briefly but sincerely, and suggest we talk further later that night.
“3) Evaluate the potential consequences of the option(s) that you choose.” The consequences of dropping everything and engaging with her immediately could include: I miss my workout; I can’t do everything I want to do that day and the next day due to catching-up; I prevent further erosion of trust in our relationship; I prevent or mitigate the need to address the issue later; and I preserve my commitment to empathy, compassion, friendship, and integrity.
The consequences of rudely and hurriedly telling her I’m busy and insisting we talk later could include: I do workout; I finish things I wanted to finish that day; I invest time and energy into the issue later that day; I invest additional time and energy into repairing the damage I cause to our relationship; I further damage the trust in our relationship; and I damage my values of compassion, empathy, friendship, and integrity.
The consequences of engaging with her immediately but in a hurried and unfocused manner could include: I possibly workout; I possibly finish things I wanted to finish that day; I invest time and energy into the issue immediately; having engaged half-heartedly, I am not helpful; having engaged half-heartedly, I probably leave reason to address the issue further later that day; I invest additional time and energy into repairing the damage I cause to our relationship; I further damage the trust in our relationship; and I damage my values of compassion, empathy, friendship, and integrity.
The consequences of briefly but sincerely talking to her and suggesting we talk more later could include: I do workout; I finish things I wanted to finish that day; I invest time and energy into the issue later that day; and I possibly strike a balance between my selfish objectives and my values of compassion, empathy, and friendship.
“4) Make a decision as to which value-based option you would choose.” Once you have selected an option, role-play the situation over and over again in your mind — seeing yourself choosing this option every time.
Obviously, the best decision is to drop everything and talk to her immediately, in a wholehearted and focused manner. If we agree to talk further later, that should be a mutual decision.