Mistakes I made 

To help my therapist get a better sense of my history, I will try listing all the mistakes I have made in my marriage and grade each on a scale of one to ten in terms of how acceptable they are to me and to my wife. The list is long. I’m sure it will take me several tries and some reminders in order to remember everything.

As for understanding the ratings, let’s say one indicates something so unacceptable that most normal observers, with no additional information nor investment in me nor my wife, would suggest we seriously consider divorce, or something similarly decisive. Ten indicates something so acceptable that most such normal observers would say it’s really not a big deal and that everyone should forget about it. Of course, these ratings are entirely subjective and are simply my own best estimates.  

I will also note the approximate timeframe. Here goes.

1994 I didn’t stay the night with her on the night we eloped because I wanted it to be at my apartment, near my workplace, and I did not consider the importance of her staying with her pet dog during a time of transition. To me: 5; To her: 5

1994-5 I manipulatively pouted and fretted when she planned to get together with a girlfriend I didn’t like. To me: 5; To her: 5

1994 I had a tantrum and threw the checkbook once when I blamed her for misplacing it. To me: 5; To her: 5

1994 I went out with friends, on at least two occasions, harboring a desire to commit adultery. To me: 3; To her: 3

1994 I came home after one of those occasions and angrily called her a whore. She was innocently trying to talk to me, and I was obsessing on anger about my own sexual history. To me: 2; To her: 2

1994 I did not thoughtfully and compassionately consider alternatives to abortion. To me: 5; To her: 4

1994 I publicly kissed a male friend and then a female stranger while heavily intoxicated at a party. To me: 5; To her: 5

1994-2012 I covertly masturbated to porn, using magazines ant the Internet. To me: 6; To her: 6

1995 Full of self-pity and anger, I intentionally failed to acknowledge her on Valentine’s Day. To me: 4; To her: 4

1995 I covertly kissed and tried oral sex with a male friend one drunken night. To me: 2; To her: 2

1995-1998 I engaged in cybersex and behaved adulterously on the internet. To me: 4; To her: 4

1996-98 I met up with four different people I had met on the Internet, with adulterous intentions. Two were male and two female. I attempted intercourse with one of the females and received oral sex from the other. To me: 1; To her: 1

1998 I had a several month-long physical affair with a co-worker. To me: 1; To her: 1

2003-12 I frequented prostitutes. To me: 1; to her: 1

2003 I was doubtful and unsupportive of her wall mural project idea. To me: 7; To her: 7

2005-13 After contracting herpes, I used various lies and ploys to hide the fact, and I failed to take all reasonable steps to protect her. To me: 1; To her: 1

2006-11 For several months, I had a physical affair with the maid. Four or five years later I resumed contact with that maid in the form of a cyber affair. To me: 1; To her: 1

2012 For several weeks, I had a physical affair with a random available woman. To me: 1; To her: 1

2012 When she discovered the most recent adultery, I spent two more months lying to hide the rest of my hidden crimes. To me: 1; To her: 1

2014 I lied about covertly smoking. To me: 5; To her: 4

2014 I lazily failed to find a new counselor after a move and to get a vasectomy until reminded. To me: 7; To her: 6

2016 I made a thoughtless public remark that implied dissatisfaction with her housekeeping. To me: 7; To her: 6

2016 I thoughtlessly allowed our son to invite a friend to spend the night after having consciously and wholeheartedly agreed that we would not invite anyone to our house that day. To me: 8; To her: 7

2016 I lied about having clicked on a stupid pop-up ad for soft porn material. To me: 5; To her: 4

2016 I lazily failed to find a new counselor and keep up on my mental health homework for several weeks after a move. To me: 7; To her: 6

2017 I intentionally ignored her urgent e-mail in order to go to the gym and control my time. To me: 6; To her: 6

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