Another part of OUR STORY

There is another part of “our story” I want to share, have been very afraid to share, but with everything going on in our country, I just cannot stay silent.

A month after MC and I married, I became pregnant. As you know, those beginning days were filled with fighting. I had started a new job a few months prior and my insurance did not cover pregnancy until I was on the policy for 12 months. I had always wanted to be a mom. But, MC wanted me to have an abortion. He didn’t threaten divorce, just made it very clear he had no interest or desire in being a dad so early on in our marriage, or having the financial burden of an uncovered birth on our shoulders. I was so afraid of bringing our baby into such an environment, of not being able to give my child a better life than I experienced. At that moment, as much as I wanted to be a mom, I wanted our marriage to have a fighting chance more.

I took a few days off of work, one for the procedure and one to recover. I was so sad, I ended-up telling close people I had suffered a miscarriage. It wasn’t true, but I so needed some love and support.

A few months later, MC’s mom was pestering him about making sure I didn’t end up pregnant. He told her it had already happened, but that I had an abortion. She was relieved. She spent years trying to persuade MC to not have children with me. He eventually didn’t listen.

When we were finally ready to have a baby, it took five years and medical help. I know if I had kept that first baby, life would have been different, not necessarily better, just different. One of those possible differences is that I would not have the children we now have. And, I wouldn’t want anything to change their presence in my life. Still, I know I’ve carried anger and sadness inside that MC didn’t say, “Don’t worry about a thing, we will find a way to make this work, I’m so excited you are having our baby.” I’ve carried anger and sadness inside of me that MC used the abortion as a way to reassure his mom, instead of saying, “Mom, back off. TL is my wife, I love her and want to have a family with her.”

All that being said, I completely support a woman’s right to choose. Also, I support conditions that allow a woman to make that choice without fear of how she will pay for the birth and support her baby once born.

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13 thoughts on “Another part of OUR STORY

  1. Thank you for this post. I’m pretty conservative, but I have some liberal views and one of them is a woman’s right to choose what she does with her body. My first husband wasn’t ready for a baby either. We got engaged and then became pregnant. He wanted me to get an abortion as well. Needless to say I didn’t. Maybe I didn’t want the marriage to work, who knows. We shouldn’t have gotten married since he wasn’t ready to be a husband either and I found that out pretty quick. I left 9 months pregnant and became a single mom. I met my husband now when she was 15 months old. He is her dad in her eyes. I wouldn’t change a thing.

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    1. Thank you so much Foreverchanged for your kindness and perspective. You and your daughter are so blessed to have each other! I sometimes think about how we could have a 22 year old son or daughter right now. But, the two wonderful children we have are my greatest blessings and I would never want to change that reality. Still, it is something I think about now and again.

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  2. That is sad TL., even though you made the right decision at the time being, considering all, you needed support.

    For a few years, when working in Australia, I offered unplanned pregnancy counselling for women through the Women’s Health Care Center. I loved working for them. A caring nonjudgmental environment.

    I helped women to have peace with the choice they made which was the best for them at that time, whatever that choice was and I provided information and options when requested.
    I told them that years from now if they ever looked back to the time they made the choice, they needed to realise that for various reasons they did the best for themselves and their relationship at the time being.
    I hope that MC realises that he fell short and that you needed support rather than a knee-jerk reaction based on fear. It is never to late to get that support and acknowledgment.
    Deciding for a termination of pregnancy involves grieving and that is normal.
    Many think it is an easy way out, I have never found that any of the women I counselled saw it that way.
    Thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks E. I think I had told myself I didn’t have the right to grieve for the loss of my baby because I made that choice. I’m so glad those Australian women in need had you by their side to support them anyway they needed! You are a beautiful soul E!!!

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Thank you for sharing this story. I know how difficult it is to deal with making this kind of decision. After years of infertility, my husband and I adopted 2 children from Korea. We had closed the chapter of trying to get pregnant and were very happy with the beautiful family that we had built. When my children were ages 4 and 2, I discovered I was pregnant. It was a heart wrenching decision, but I also chose to terminate the pregnancy. I did this for the sake of the family I already had and did not want my adopted kids to ever feel like they were less than the biological child. And I did not want to subject them to the insensitive remarks other people would certainly make. My husband did not agree with this decision, but I pressured him into it. We never spoke about it after that day.

    I never regretted it although I also had to grieve that loss, unfortunately without the support of my husband. Now we are almost 20 years from that time, and he has just told me how traumatic it was for him when I did this. He implied that this trauma was somehow tied to his acting out behaviors which began to escalate around that time. Although I don’t blame myself and I don’t believe that having the baby would have resulted in him not being a sex addict, I am angry that we never had a level of intimacy in our marriage that allowed us to speak about our feelings over this decision. But we are getting there now. It is never too late to heal yourself or your coupleship.

    Sending you love and hope as you work through this difficult period.

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    1. Oh Boomer. It’s never an easy decision. Though I’m certain your husband’s sadness was/is profound, acting out sexually is all on him. I know you know that, but just thought extra affirmation couldn’t hurt. Wishing for healing for all of us!!!!

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  4. We had 3 kids, upper middle class educated married 16 years. I was 38 and we terminated the 4th. Hardest decision ever, but financially we were in a bad spot. No one knows. I still cry about it but I will never stop fighting for women being able to choose what to do with their bodies. It was one drunken night without a condom with my husband. It was horrible what I went thru in order to terminate, and I live the most liberal state in the country. The waiting, the treatment, the loneliness of recovery. The sobbing of al, the young girls in the office who drive god knows how far. I was a married old lady and I was so embarrassed. My husband missed a half day if work for that and I cried on the couch. His vasectomy afterwards? He was given Valium so he wouldn’t be upset. As far as the dr was concerned, my wh comfort leading up to the snip was paramount. Wh laughed the whole drive there, thanks to the pills. Something is very fucked up in this world. I was treated like a farm animal and sobbed thru the entire procedure. Then I ran into the dr who did my termination at a cocktail party. We have mutual friends! He’s a great person, father of daughters, offers a service very few are willing to do. So I get to see him, and it’s always jarring no matter what. Now I’m recovering from the infidelity. I’ve had a tough 10 years. But women have to be strong, right? Where’s my fucking Valium?

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  5. Best part? The mow had 4 kids. I wasn’t allowed to have 4 because of money. She fucked my husband and neglected her kids while I did double duty with my kids. It’s all been surreally unfair.

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      1. No it’s not. And I grieve and mourn and navel gaze, maybe more than I should. But truthfully, in the scope of world suffering, I win. God, the choices I have. I’m a wealthy white woman in North America. I need to take my self pity and use it for helping others. In this political climate, whatever I feel I lose, all we have to do is look at a world map and move where we would rather be. It’s a ridiculous privilege. I have access to anything I need. And my wh did too. Which is why his squandering of such luck and entitlement is so nauseating. His piles of white privilege weren’t enough, and fucking a whore was his right. She was like the Valium before a simple medical procedure, and his marriage was the nuisance that needed pain relief. I guess some men have been raised to avoid undue pain at all costs, and a certain class of men know exactly what channels to stay in in order to have their way greased, friction-free.

        This abortion debate infuriates me. No one wants an abortion. No one wants to be in this position. But where’s the outrage at the men who run away from their wives and kids? Or from a pregnant woman? Oh yes, of course. The easy way out for them is a right. I drive past a planned parenthood, in the poor part if a mid-sized city. Why aren’t those daily protesters helping women with kids who are struggling as a result of not terminating? Day care, food, diapers, legalities in tracking down deadbeats, etc. Who’s helping the women who didn’t terminate?

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