Lovemaking versus sex

Since the very first time we had sex together, TL has been telling me to “make love” to her rather than “just have sex” with her. I want to do this, but I really do suspect I have no clue what I’m doing. Last night we tried it, with her telling me to go slower, touch gently and more, use more eye contact, and talk about love. I tried it. I think it helped. I also think I need a lot more work on it.

Have any of you readers dealt with this topic?  It’s one that still sort of confuses me.

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10 thoughts on “Lovemaking versus sex

  1. “Love is union under the condition of preserving one’s integrity, one’s individuality. Love is an active power in man [sic]; a power which breaks through the walls which separate man from his fellow men, which unites him with others; love makes him overcome the sense of isolation and separateness, yet it permits him to be himself, to retain his integrity. In love the paradox occurs that two beings become one and yet remain two…Love is an activity, not a passive affect; it is a ‘standing in’; not a ‘falling for’. In the most general way, the active character of love can be described by stating that love is primarily giving not receiving…Giving fills those who love with joy”
    From Erich Fromm: The Art of Loving (1956), pp 21-22).

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    1. Thanks. Actually, I think I understand that description of love, and I think I’m making some progress in that regard.

      My question, I think, is about how to have sexual intercourse in a manner that is “lovemaking” rather than just “sexual intercourse.” What, exactly, is the difference? I have some ideas, but I would welcome your ideas too.

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      1. It need to be good for both of you and requires honest feedback.
        So many people do not want to say what they really felt as they think they were unusual, or they do not want to disappoint their partner, or they just want it to it get over with.
        There are many ways to have sexual intercourse and some allow more intimate connection than others. I guess it is communication and trying out and talking what works best.
        It comes to one thing only: honest and open communication.

        That is the difference with APs, they have something to gain and pretend all is great. Or with prostitutes, it is all about the person who pays and they act the role.

        With a long-term life partner, pretending is not an option.

        Sexual intimacy can get so much better as long as people talk and care about each others and are willing to try out new things.
        One of my newest research articles had a paragraph that would surprise many people. It stated that sexual intimacy is at its best when couples are in the forties and fifties.

        It is when both are less aware of how they look, and when both can enjoy and pace the experience.

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          1. I know that my husband, despite me telling him, did not listen. He does now. I can think of many reasons why he was not open to listening and to asking questions. It could be his insecurity or it could be that his mind was set on what (he felt) works. His mind was closed off!
            Due to him not being open and not asking questions, I did not either. I felt that he did not want to hear.
            There is a reason why all sex therapy involves communication which equals connection and trying out new things before saying “that is not for me.”

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  2. The part about uniting, overcoming isolation and alienation (separateness) is very powerful. The activity in itself and not its affects, being there for another and giving not receiving… that is love to me.
    In love, to retain ones own integrity and identity is important too. I think that after an affair, this gets a bit squashed, but hopefully eventually both partners can be themselves as well as united (now I am not referring to physical intimacy, but in general).
    In practice it is what you describe, communication eye-contact and a focus on feeling and expressing this to each other increases intimacy. Often people “tune-out” when making love, in particular when it elicits bad memories. In that instance partners focus on other things, maybe on visual images that have in the past lead to orgasm (erotic or pornographic ones). The experience, although physically pleasant is not one that is shared. A couple that wants to make love with each other, needs to focus on each other. By taking time and by focusing on pleasure, giving and receiving.
    Initially it does not need to include intercourse or orgasm…
    That part will come….and it will be better when a couple is deeply connected.
    The focus on feeling and giving and receiving pleasure and particular for a female to receive pleasure without the pressure to have to have an orgasm…makes the experience so much better with no pressure to perform.

    Just my two cents…(what a strange saying….). I feel better to say, imho….
    Elisabeth

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That makes more sense now. When you mentioned people “tuning out,” it became clear we are talking about the same thing. I don’t think I tune out. But, I should watch myself to be certain. I did promise I would focus on mindfulness, in general. Until now, I had not thought about it in terms of sex as well.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. …and leave a light on, a pleasant one with a nice warm glow. It helps people to focus on each other, by looking at each other when giving and receiving pleasure.
    Last but not least, most people want to make time for each other. Any rushed job is not cutting it. It limits opportunity but when the opportunity is there, the experience is better in so many ways.

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