Dear betrayed spouses, can you help me out here? Can you help me see the way forward through your eyes? Perhaps there are no good answers to my questions. Perhaps there are several competing, or complementary, good answers.
Your husband (or wife) humiliated you, ignored your feelings, and disregarded your love, beauty, intelligence, caring, loyalty, and hard work. They were so caught up in a shameful life of adultery and betrayal that they did a piss-poor job of hiding their behavior from neighbors, community members, co-workers, and people who know you. Now you cringe whenever you wonder how much those people know.
What do they know that you don’t know? When did they know it? Why did they not tell you? Do they think less of you now for not divorcing your cheating spouse? Do they think less of you for not discovering the truth sooner?
And, what of your disloyal spouse’s affair partners? Do they think they are better than you or that they shared more with your mate than you do? Do they continue to think that?
Did your cheating spouse have a friend who knew the full story and then helped deceive you? Why don’t you get an apology, or any acknowledgement, from that person too?
With all these doubts that your spouse created in you — nagging doubts, like an itch you can never scratch, or like someone spitting on you in public while the whole world just ignores the situation — can your spouse do anything to help you?
Is there anything he or she could do to alleviate some of your pain or restore some of your dignity? I’ve tried a few things, with limited success. But, before I say more, I’d like to hear your perspectives.
In addition to the loss of your dignity, your spouse also unjustly gave things to an affair partner that should have been saved for you. Maybe your husband took the other woman to some romantic retreat in a way he never had for you. You had always told yourself that just wasn’t his style. But, then you learned it could be his style, but he had just never bothered to do it for you. Maybe your cheating wife gave the other man oral sex, after years of telling you that she just wasn’t into that sort of thing. And these examples are just two of many, just the tip of the iceberg.
Is there anything your cheating spouse can do to rectify such injustice? How can he turn back the clock and give irreplaceable moments to you now that those moments have passed? How can he un-break your heart? I think I know the answer, but I hope I’m wrong.