How the fuck do we find passion and intimacy (not just physical, but emotional) in our marriage? I just cannot stop thinking about how MC used other woman like they were simply means to achieve an end. And, I know I was no different to him. And, even with all the actions and work he does, how can I believe that I am not just some blow-up doll. I don’t feel intimacy when we are intimate.
I want to experience intimacy and passion with him, but just feel dead inside. And, I believe sex is sex to him. He doesn’t really feel a difference within himself in the emotional component of our sexual life from before d-day to now. He says he knows he loves me. He says he knows that sex with me is more physically fulfilling than it was with others and always was. Emotionally, however, he really cannot express or find any differences in the emotions he experiences during sex with me since d-day, versus pre d-day. Isn’t there supposed to be an emotional difference in our intimate life? I do know it is not all him on this issue.
My heart is still too often filled with anger and resentment. I’m trying to find my footing. I still contemplate anti-depressants, but I don’t want to turn into my mom and, frankly, in our current location access doesn’t seem likely. And, here I am not wanting to be my mom and, yet, I often spend half my day in pjs (unpacking boxes from our move, but in pjs). I haven’t really gone to gym or pool in a long while. I am just tired of being knocked down AGAIN and again in my life and the thought of lifting myself up AGAIN to yet AGAIN be knocked down by the next something else unknown in the future (likely not even related to MC) is not really enticing. I’m so tired of being knocked down, so I am having a hard time just standing back up.