Memories?

Yesterday’s post about the past of my marriage being dead is something I continue to explore and question. Why is holding to these memories, wanting to be able to still cherish some of them, wanting to see that MC does cherish them too still hold such importance to me?

Prior to d-day, MC would not really talk about our life together, he would not reminisce about anything good that had happened in our life, our story. I remember seeing him enjoying moments with me as those moments occurred. But, then not long after it seemed those experiences together were of no worth or value to him.

Looking back on that now, I think it was part of his “glass is cracked and leaking” philosophy of life, part of his inability to recognize his blessings or even admit that he had any blessings to himself or to anyone around him. He did not want anything to get in the way of feeling sorry for himself. Hindsight makes certain things so much clearer, doesn’t it?

Thinking so much about this, trying to really figure it out. Perhaps my wanting to hear about those memories that were meaningful to him is trying to see what he thinks his blessings were, to understand if he does recognize any of those blessings at all, to know if there was ever a part of him that appreciated “our story,” at least enough that he is capable of recognizing it now. Perhaps my wanting to hear about those memories now is to glean wether or not the experiences we shared together held any value to him or would those experiences hold the same or more value had he done them alone or with someone else. Or, maybe the truth is that he never appreciated them, but only now wishes he did and I am trying to figure out if that is the reality.

In this expat life we live, we have done some “once in a lifetime” bucket list type things that should be of value regardless of with whom they were done. Still, I want to know that it wasn’t just the experience, but that he shared that experience with me that he cherishes, now that he is willing to admit that his life had anything worth cherishing. Does that make any sense at all?????

Still, I know “our story” is not what I thought it was and maybe this is futile endeavor? Perhaps I am wanting him to cherish something he never really did cherish, but only now wishes he did. I have a book of loving notes that MC created for me. Each day he would leave me a small written note, some were about blessings today and some were about memories of shared experiences pre d-day. I like hearing him talk to others about shared experiences with me and/or the kids that were meaningful because they were shared with us. But, is this desire that I keep holding onto, preventing me from moving ahead. Should I take that book of memories and throw it on a bonfire and start from scratch with MC in all ways, only talking about and cherishing those memories since he pulled his head out of his ass?

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12 thoughts on “Memories?

  1. Hi Tiger Lily,
    I struggle with that too. I know it has been said that the “old marriage” is gone and that couples have to start anew with building a marriage with new experiences. It sounds good, but probably as so many things it is too black and white. Not all pre-d-day was bad. There were good shared experiences. The problem is that by thinking about those, a cloud forms over it, as these experiences were followed by something so bad that “it ruined everything”. But is that really true? In our perception, all was false pre-d-day and before all the confessions, but realistically speaking not ALL was false.
    The reason so many don’t want to go there (pre-d-day), is that it triggers memories that are intensely painful.
    Throwing it all out however, might be the answer for some but not for others and maybe we all just need time to allow ourselves to remember the good stuff prior-to d-day wthout getting upset.
    Elisabeth

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Dr. E. It is such a struggle to figure this one out! I don’t want to throw it all away. And, yet, there are some memories that are huge triggers for me. It is not black and white, is it?

      “maybe we all just need time to allow ourselves to remember the good stuff prior-to d-day wthout getting upset.”

      Perhaps, that is it.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. TL and MC I have a question:
        The story: man (CEO) has an affair for close to 6 months with a 20 years younger, uneducated admin assistant. who looked like a tramp and talked like a tramp. He bombard her to “senior” something and travels with her. Wife knows about inappropriate behaviours but not about sex. She finds out and as a result he breaks it off. It takes the man years to come clean about what this really was. Wife does most of the work, although he states that he is a better husband, father and boss and that he “tries” every day to be better. Fact, his faithful wife made him to drop the OW. His VP was made to fire the OW as she sucked at work. The man never wrote the OW directly after to tell her that he is dropping her and is sorry that he hurt his wife and family. He just said in a phone call, after his wife found out that “my wife knows everything, we have to stop”. That is all!
        What am I missing…I think he is still an arse….

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        1. Dr. E. Sounds like rug sweeping. Words are words, and believe me, words can bring comfort if such words are backed up by actions. So, the question is, what actions have been taken to back up those words that show he “tries everyday to be better?” What has he done to root out the weeds of his poor character, his poor decisions, his poor choices? What actions have been taken to show that he cares about his wife’s health, safety, and healing regardless of whether she decides to reconcile or divorce?

          Btw, as far as his “no contact” call, that would just not fly. After all that has happened, I know that I absolutely needed to see that instead of politely and gently closing a door, MC was able, wanting and willing to SLAM it shut and bolt it down! And, it was clear to all that it was his doing, his choice, his desire to slam it shut forever!

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Thank you…yes, I think that is a huge part of the repentance (doing the work), MC took the initiative and slammed that door shut, this CEO let his wife do the work. This means, he has to do more than just being a proper husband and dad as he was supposed to be that already…he should not feel the hero….he needs to be that man who demonstrates his care, and devotion for his wife….I just wonders if she will buy it…too little too late?

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            1. I wonder? I will say that in those first couple of months between d-day and when I found at all a couple of months later, MC’s “no contact” letter was way too weak and way too nice in my book. Once all the secrets were revealed, he had no qualms about slamming the door shut. And he wrote a no contact e-mail that left no doubt about where he stood. Prior to that point, he feared she would reveal things I didn’t know – that there had been others. This is probably the biggest reason I believe the cheater must reveal all, provide all windows to their betrayed spouse, and actively, willfully remove all walls. And, also, why I think it is a possible red flag if a cheating spouse does not eagerly and willingly write a proper “slamming and bolting the door shut forever” type of no-contact letter. In fact, I would worry that such resistance might indicate that the cheater is still up to no good and/or that they are still hiding things.

              Liked by 1 person

  2. This is really a hard topic for me. I have a few miscellaneous thoughts about it. But, so far, none of my thoughts on this topic seem to be helpful for TL. I’d welcome some ideas from readers. Here are my initial reactions to this topic.

    First, regardless of TL’s memories about our life together pre-D-day, I do have many specific, very positive memories of us that I will always treasure. Those memories were always positive for me, even though they are from a time period when I was pursuing a double life. And, they are not “generic” events in my mind, events that I could have just as easily enjoyed alone or with someone other than TL. Some of them are things I never would have tried without TL. All of them are things I appreciate for the fact that TL was with me, not just for the experience itself.

    Second, I know I need to do a better job of going around and telling people of my fond memories of my life with TL. I am really trying to do that. Maybe whenever TL and I are with other people I should try to make it a habit of telling at least one story of some positive memory of my life with TL. I’d like to do that, as long as it doesn’t come across as artificial, and I should probably create some system of reminding myself to actively pursue it.

    Third, I really do understand the dilemma I created for TL, booby-trapping her positive memories of us with knowledge of concurrent betrayal and selfishness and doubts about how I view those memories. I am sorry, TL, and I know that sorry is not enough.

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