Yesterday’s post about the past of my marriage being dead is something I continue to explore and question. Why is holding to these memories, wanting to be able to still cherish some of them, wanting to see that MC does cherish them too still hold such importance to me?
Prior to d-day, MC would not really talk about our life together, he would not reminisce about anything good that had happened in our life, our story. I remember seeing him enjoying moments with me as those moments occurred. But, then not long after it seemed those experiences together were of no worth or value to him.
Looking back on that now, I think it was part of his “glass is cracked and leaking” philosophy of life, part of his inability to recognize his blessings or even admit that he had any blessings to himself or to anyone around him. He did not want anything to get in the way of feeling sorry for himself. Hindsight makes certain things so much clearer, doesn’t it?
Thinking so much about this, trying to really figure it out. Perhaps my wanting to hear about those memories that were meaningful to him is trying to see what he thinks his blessings were, to understand if he does recognize any of those blessings at all, to know if there was ever a part of him that appreciated “our story,” at least enough that he is capable of recognizing it now. Perhaps my wanting to hear about those memories now is to glean wether or not the experiences we shared together held any value to him or would those experiences hold the same or more value had he done them alone or with someone else. Or, maybe the truth is that he never appreciated them, but only now wishes he did and I am trying to figure out if that is the reality.
In this expat life we live, we have done some “once in a lifetime” bucket list type things that should be of value regardless of with whom they were done. Still, I want to know that it wasn’t just the experience, but that he shared that experience with me that he cherishes, now that he is willing to admit that his life had anything worth cherishing. Does that make any sense at all?????
Still, I know “our story” is not what I thought it was and maybe this is futile endeavor? Perhaps I am wanting him to cherish something he never really did cherish, but only now wishes he did. I have a book of loving notes that MC created for me. Each day he would leave me a small written note, some were about blessings today and some were about memories of shared experiences pre d-day. I like hearing him talk to others about shared experiences with me and/or the kids that were meaningful because they were shared with us. But, is this desire that I keep holding onto, preventing me from moving ahead. Should I take that book of memories and throw it on a bonfire and start from scratch with MC in all ways, only talking about and cherishing those memories since he pulled his head out of his ass?