Since discoveries I find myself fighting the road to self-pity. Part of dealing with the depression and trauma that this has brought into my heart has been obsessing on the could’ve, would’ve, should’ve and if onlys; comparing my life to those around me; and being focused on my broken pride.
And, while I think I needed time to go ahead and do that, to live in my pain and wallow in it, to truly feel it all, there must be a point where it does not control so many of my waking moments anymore. I see a future where I go from being a victim, to being more than just a survivor, but actually thriving, living and loving once again.
To do this, I know I need to focus on learning to let go of ego (external validation, esteem from others) and focus on building self-esteem (self validation, esteem from self), on accepting that the past can never be different, on finding happiness regardless of my marriage, on building ways to trust myself and my instincts.
I am learning to trust my instincts because I am different now. I can see selfishness for what it is, now that my rose colored, blind-faith glasses are in the garbage. I am seeing reality better than ever before. Still, it is still a work in progress and probably always will be.
Because this is a life long journey, I don’t trust in a set future, in some narrative of what can or should be. Instead, I am learning to trust in me, that no matter what happens, I will be ok. I am learning to like me as I am now; a realist, who says what she thinks. Hopefully, in a loving and authentic way. Whether I stay married or not, I want to be that loving and authentic woman in all of my relationships with others. I want this for my own health and sanity, but I also want this for modeling what it is to be a healthy person for our children.