TL’s Vision Statement

Since discoveries I find myself fighting the road to self-pity. Part of dealing with the depression and trauma that this has brought into my heart has been obsessing on the could’ve, would’ve, should’ve and if onlys; comparing my life to those around me; and being focused on my broken pride.

And, while I think I needed time to go ahead and do that, to live in my pain and wallow in it, to truly feel it all, there must be a point where it does not control so many of my waking moments anymore. I see a future where I go from being a victim, to being more than just a survivor, but actually thriving, living and loving once again.

To do this, I know I need to focus on learning to let go of ego (external validation, esteem from others) and focus on building self-esteem (self validation, esteem from self), on accepting that the past can never be different, on finding happiness regardless of my marriage, on building ways to trust myself and my instincts.

I am learning to trust my instincts because I am different now. I can see selfishness for what it is, now that my rose colored, blind-faith glasses are in the garbage. I am seeing reality better than ever before. Still, it is still a work in progress and probably always will be.

Because this is a life long journey, I don’t trust in a set future, in some narrative of what can or should be. Instead, I am learning to trust in me, that no matter what happens, I will be ok. I am learning to like me as I am now; a realist, who says what she thinks. Hopefully, in a loving and authentic way. Whether I stay married or not, I want to be that loving and authentic woman in all of my relationships with others. I want this for my own health and sanity, but I also want this for modeling what it is to be a healthy person for our children.

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9 thoughts on “TL’s Vision Statement

  1. Just don’t do what I did. I traveled the road to self-pity and ran into the “I don’t give a shit” cul-de-sac. I just keep going around and around because I can’t remember how I got there.

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    1. Laurel, when I look at MC, I can see where his path to self-pity was self-perpetuating and became his security blanket. And, it makes me realize that there is something to momentum. I do see that commonality between MC and my mom. And, I can also see how we, as betrayed, can be tempted by that same self-pity path. How could we not be?

      In fact, I know that, as betrayed, we need that time to truly, deeply feel the pain and accept it as a part of us. And, that the auto-pilot time can and does lead to the “I don’t give a shit” cul-de-sac. I don’t think that is a bad thing at all, for a time. But, that negative momentum has a way of ingraining itself into our hearts and minds. This negative momentum too then becomes a security blanket. We are in such need and desire of some form of security blanket. I know. I know!

      But, I hope for all of us, at some point we take a step out of that momentum to create a new momentum towards a healthy life for ourselves, whatever that may be, regardless of who is included in it.

      Words are so easy, actions are so hard. I know that. As much as I tell myself all of these same things, I still struggle. Let’s each find a way to take one step out of the momentum that was helpful for a time, but is now only serving to eat at our soul and suck the life out of us. My wish for each of us here is ONE STEP. One step today, just one, no expectations, just one step forward beyond the pain.

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      1. That’s funny. I was just thinking that I should furnish and decorate the apartment over my garage. It’s a darling place and I was envisioning what pictures I would hang and what quilt would be on the iron bed that I want to put in it. I have never given it one thought in the year since I first moved here. Whether or not it will ever come to fruition remains to be seen….but at least I gave it a thought…..something I never thought I would do. 🙂

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