Thinking of Mom

I had a dream the other night that rather shook me.

I was in a grand hotel getting ready for my marriage to MC. In reality, MC and I had eloped and my dad was already dead. But, in the dream my dad came to my room as I was getting ready.

In the dream, my dad told me that he had cheated on my mom many many times throughout their marriage, so many that he had lost count. I was devastated.

In my dream, I realized this is why my mom had become addicted to opiates, to a victim mentality. In my wedding dress, I ran out of the room crying, got into an elevator crying, went down to the pool side bar and ordered a lemonade. A friend was at the bar, she started comparing her boyfriend to MC, making it clear she thought less of MC and of me in comparison to them as a couple. Making some joke about Spanish omelets. At the time, in my dream, I understood the innuendo. For the life of me, upon waking I had no idea what it meant.

After my parents separated, I went with Mom. She was very bitter and already so far gone in her addiction that she was not capable of thinking outside of herself. I didn’t live with her for very long before going to live with other family.

When I would go to visit with her, she would spend the entire time bashing my dad. My dad, on the other hand, would never say ANYTHING against my mom. Where my mom wanted me to choose between them. My dad always emphasized that he understood that things were difficult between us, but she is my mom, so he expects me to treat her with respect. Because of my mom’s constant bashing of my dad, I spent my time with my mom defending my dad. When I was with my dad, I spent the time just talking to him about life. This was one of the biggest reasons I enjoyed spending time with my dad, but not with my mom.

Did my dad do to my mom what MC did to me? I don’t know. I suspect in all of my mom’s bashing, she would have made those allegations had they occurred right away, she never held back from attacking and blaming others. It wasn’t until a few years after the divorce that she did try to blame another woman as the reason that he divorced her. But, the facts she laid out didn’t fit and she had a history of making up stories to fit her narrative.

My dad did date  a woman for a few months after the divorce. And, then about six month’s later met the woman who would become his girlfriend until he died.  My mom would always blame this last girlfriend for breaking up their marriage. It didn’t make sense. If she had insisted it was the first woman he had dated, I would have wondered at the least about it. But, mom had a habit of making up a narrative that always made her the victim. She had a habit of making up a narrative that always denied that her illnesses and constant need for pain meds had had anything to do with anything.

But, that dream has shaken me.

And, now, I need to put this aside and just focus on today.


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