Selfish-Oppressive-Bastard (SOB) syndrome

Reposting, as this is a core concept for us and our path forward.


Not all serial cheaters are sex addicts, some are simply SOBs! What is an SOB? We use the term “Selfish Oppressive (Obsessive would also work) Bastard” (SOB) Syndrome to describe MindlessCraft’s addiction to self-pity, entitlement and using those as a weapon not only to justify and rationalize his inappropriate thoughts and behaviors, but as a weapon against me, against us (and what he realizes with sickening clarity now) against himself. It is not only because the actual acronym we all know and love is actually accurate. But, because SOB syndrome indicates a pathology of selfishness, self-pity, entitlement and oppressive behaviors in an attempt to build ego. And, bastard, well that is just fitting for someone who made choices based on the previous motivations.

I shared everything about myself with my husband before we married thinking he was my best friend, only to be blindsided with his obsessive insecurities after marriage. I thought…

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4 thoughts on “Selfish-Oppressive-Bastard (SOB) syndrome

    1. Just to be clear, though I think Sex Addiction is over diagnosed, I am not saying it is not a possibility. Still, as Peggy Vaughan pointed out, even Patrick Carnes said that in cases of infidelity SA exists about 7% of the time. And, yet, it seems that the world around us have tacked on another 90% to that total. That being said, like Peggy Vaughan indicated, if a program requires stepping up and taking responsibility, addressing the issues at hand, then who cares the label, accepting help and following through with it is what is important.

      The American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, who does recognize SA, still had this distinction to make:

      “Sexual addicts are compulsively attracted to the high and the anxiety release of sexual orgasm. But such release comes with a price — feelings of shame and worthlessness. In contrast, philanderers who perceive extramarital sex as an entitlement of gender or status take advantage of opportunities without guilt or withdrawal symptoms.”

      MC fully admits it was the later. That is very scary for him to admit and for me to know, but denying that truth helps nobody. An “I deserve” attitude fueled by a desire for ego kibbles, a sense of injustice, self-pity, a victim mentality or whatever the case may be can be addressed once admitted to by the cheater. Like SA, it is also a brokenness, but one that has to do with character weaknesses and a foundation of mysogynistic ideas that must be addressed.


        1. Thank you for your support! I really appreciate it. I sometimes feel like we are the lone wolf not going down that SA route. But, it just doesn’t fit for MC and I think it would hurt us in the long run to try to make it fit.

          But, that is not to say that there aren’t some exercises that have come out of the SA world that may not be of use. Bottom lines, boundaries created by the cheater for himself, boundaries created by the betrayed to protect the betrayed are all important components regardless.

          Liked by 1 person

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