It’s not a game

For much of our married life we have not lived near “home” because of MC’s schooling and then his job. Prior to d-day, I would miss home from time-to-time, but it was not this underlying longing that I now have since d-day. When MC was away for the year for work, the kids and I got to be home. I thought it would quench my thirst, make me realize why long ago I had decided a little distance was not a bad thing. But, it didn’t. The longing grew. I did not want to leave.

MC was willing to stay, put in a few job applications even, but I must admit I assumed the worst. That it was likely him playing chicken with me. You see, in just a few short years, he will be fully vested in his company, which means some very awesome lifetime benefits that are quite a motivating factor. So, in the end, before he would ever say anything to his HR department about wanting to quit, I would stop him and I came to believe that he was counting on exactly that.

As we get closer to our next overseas move, the homesickness grows within me. As we prepare for our oldest child’s Bar Mitzvah and are inviting family from back home, the home sickness grows within me. I wish we could be home for such big events. Last night I was sad about home. MC again said he would quit. That he would send an e-mail right now to do so. He started writing. I thought he was playing a game of chicken with me and I decided I had to know if that is what he was doing or not. So, this time I didn’t stop him. I left the room while he was writing. He sent the e-mail.

Here is the thing though. As much as I want to go home. We need those benefits. We’ve put in too many years to walk away from it now. He knows it, I know it, and he knows that I know it. So, while there is a huge part of me that is so glad to see that this was not a game, he was serious, he was actually willing to quit. The other part of me is now scared to death that something has been set into motion that may not be able to be undone. He is reaching out to HR today to find out exactly what leaving before vesting would mean. If it means losing it all, we cannot quit. Now, I am a nervous wreck that we may not even have the option to stop that ball from rolling.

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8 thoughts on “It’s not a game

  1. TL…trust the future. Who knows but that for such a time as this, you have a chance that you haven’t even dared to dream. I’m not saying to definitely quit, but walk the process out…with NO FEAR. I’m cheering loudly – for both of you. HUGS…so many hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much. MC just heard back from HR. They sent him a HUGE packet of information. It is to help us decide how to move forward, so nothing has been set in motion – phew! And, now we have some resources to understand the real costs and benefits of such a decision. Double phew.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. TL, all you need is each other, and especially right now. Don’t let yourself feel guilty – if he does decide to quit, that will be his decision (thoroughly discussed with you of course), just like how it was his decision (obviously without having discussed with you) to so cruelly betray you. Is this not one of those actions we so badly crave instead of words? I’m also not saying quitting is the way to go, but don’t let material needs take over spiritual / emotional ones. If your instinct tells you you’d like to stay closer to home and family, go with it and trust that it will work out.

    Right before my husband blurted out he was a serial cheater (so we only knew we had marital troubles, not this massive betrayal), the therapist told us it was not good that we had spent so much time apart (husband travelled 70% of the time). I didn’t get it and I told the therapist that it was his job and I don’t want him to lose something he likes so much. And he was saying this certainly: he just needs to quit if he can’t work out the priorities with his current setup. I thought the dude was delusional – but where I am now in my journey I finally came to understand what he was talking about: your first and foremost priority should always be your family, your personal safety, our marriage (if there’s still a marriage to consider). If your work, lifestyle, workload does not allow you to put your family in the focus – change it. No loss of money is comparable to losing family.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. MWS, thank you. I know.

      What is hard for me is that naturally I am a very practical, logical person. This is how I functioned and made it out of my childhood. It’s my security blanket. Yeah, I know, that doesn’t always show up since d-day, does it?

      Hard to walk away from a lifetime pension (half of which is mine even if we divorce), when we are so close after so many years of sacrifice. Perhaps this again is that sunk cost dilemma rearing its ugly head. I don’t know.

      I do love living overseas on many levels. But, I do miss home so much too. What I don’t love is living in the continental US, but about as far away from home as possible. If I cannot be home, I am much happier overseas.

      We have a lot of paperwork to go through to see just what quitting now would mean. I think more than anything, I just needed MC to recognize that being away from “home” is a continued sacrifice that I make for the benefit of the future – his, mine, and ours.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That makes complete sense, and I can also identify with enjoying the expat lifestyle: I’ve loved living abroad over the past ten years. Since D-day things are in different colours now, having family and friends close have been a saving power for me, and I value it in an entirely different level and way, but I’m still toying with the thought of becoming an expat again.

        However you end up deciding about this, it is good to know that he was willing to go through with this, no matter what. It is an action, not just words, and that is what we all long for on this journey.

        Liked by 1 person

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