Trust and Safety

Just one more I must share. It is just a great article that really touches some core issues from the beginning of this whole process and things we are still working on. It really explains why we have made the safety issue priority one and think it is so important to the process of healing.

The article is rather long, but I think it really is a good primer regarding safety and trust. It’s called, The Shocking Truth About Trust.

After discovering this article was part of the Affair Recovery subscription library, I took the actual text of the article off of our site to be sure I was not violating any copyright issues. Not that anyone said anything, but just to be safe. The provided link was found via a Google search and available without subscription.

Reynolds, Rick (2008). The shocking truth about trust. The Affair Recovery Center. Retrieved from

8 thoughts on “Trust and Safety

    1. I totally understand. I’m certainly not there. Safety is the focus and must be the foundation. It is one of the things I really like in this whole essay. I think this point really spoke to me in how I will approach the issue in the future.

      “Peggy Vaughan, in her book The Monogamy Myth, makes the point that trusting the institution of marriage and making the assumption that we will naturally stay faithful, leave marriages at risk. Rather than being cautious and honestly communicating about risky situations, we pretend all is well, assume we can handle it and place the relationship in jeopardy. We would be far better served by a little less trust and a lot more honest communication.”


      1. I know myself and I am DONE with the trust thing. Loser was the only person I ever completely trusted and look at what a lying, cheating scumbag he turned out to be.
        This high school friend of mine is so excited about meeting…and I keep asking myself…why? Why would I ever let another man in my life? He was a nice guy in high school but who the hell knows what he’s like now?
        I think I’m going to…in my most charming Southern way….tell him to fuck off.


        1. Oh Laurel, I get it, I so understand! You want to have a wall of protection.

          All I can say is as you go forward, focus on looking for actions that show honesty. You don’t have to trust, nor be tied to anyone so completely ever again. I get why you would not want to do that. But, I wonder if having friends who show they are honest in their lives in every way and a touch of intimacy with them would be ok?

          The problem with the wall of protection (and I see this in myself) is that it only imprisons me.


          1. I understand the imprisonment. I’ve been in one for a long time. As far as intimacy? I think would literally gag if a man ever put his hands on me or even kissed me. I never could understand how pig-shit could get naked and show his bits to another woman….but for me….no….he was the only man I had ever been with and there will never be another…not because there’s any great love left for Loser but because I just couldn’t stand it. The idea turns my stomach.


            1. Laurel, I wish I could reach out and just give you a hug. The pain and anger can just eat you up inside (yes, singing Don Henley in my head again). I know there were times when I’ve thought I would surely die of a broken heart – both figuratively and literally. Yet, here we each are. We’ve been in fight mode, in flight mode and maybe working our way to survival mode. One day it would be so lovely to be in “thrive” mode. How do we get there?

              I know I want to find a way to break down the walls of my prison. But, it will be brick-by-brick. I kept telling myself that I am going to try to wake up tomorrow and tell myself “just for today I will live, just for today I will love, just for today I will forgive” to start breaking down that wall. And, I just realized I could not bring myself to it because I was making it so complicated, expecting too much of myself. I cannot expect myself to give joy and happiness to others, until I learn to give it to myself. So, instead, maybe, just for tomorrow, I can bring myself to “just for today, I am going to live my own happiness, just for me, just for today” and make choices toward that goal for that day. I don’t know, it is all rather nebulous.

              So, dear Laurel, wishing us both one day of happiness as a good place to start.

              TL xx


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