Has anyone not taken meds?

Through this shit storm, time and again the counselors wanted me to get on anti-depressants. Time and again, I would explain that due to my mother’s addictions to prescription drugs, including ADs (yes, along with opiates, but still. . .), that I ABSOLUTELY refuse. I am so bat-shit scared of her addictions becoming my addictions. And, I don’t want to be that person, that Mom, for my kids.

And, yet, am I really any better of a mom than she was? Would ADs help me function more wholly? Would ADs help me to be more present in each moment of each day, until I could once again understand what that actually feels like?

I know that exercise is a natural AD for me, and yet all too often I let it go to the wayside of priorities. I lack motivation. That is what it boils down to at this point in so many ways, I lack motivation. I want to enjoy life, but I cannot imagine what might fill me with personal enjoyment. I have two beautiful children, I finished my Masters, I’ve gone back to work. I have so much outside of myself to live for, but very little within myself to live for. Does that even make sense?

I really don’t want to deal with AD’s, trying to find the right fit, and then chancing my mother’s addictions. I just cannot bring myself to it. But, I do need some help in some way to get over this hurdle. Has anyone not taken meds? What helped you get that motivation?


36 thoughts on “Has anyone not taken meds?

  1. This. Seriously.mi need a pill for motivation. I *know* all the things I need to do, should do to help myself. I can be the best cheerleader. But I cannot get off my own ass most of the time.

    I just started an AD 4 days ago.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Rac. I so hear you. Yes, the logical, rational side of me knows what I need to do – get off my butt and go for a run or a swim or a walk even. But, damn, making it happen is an entirely different story. Please let me know how the ADs go for you. TL xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I took effexor for a few years. It got me off the sofa but nothing else. I stopped taking anything and when I started losing so much weight, my doctor wanted me to start taking something again. I refused. She finally “talked me into trying” Prozac but was worried because that tends to make you lose weight. I took it for a few weeks and wondered what the strange feelings I had were about.
    Then I saw an interview with Ben Stein who had been suffering with depression for years. He took Prozac. He said it wasn’t so much that he wanted to kill himself or somebody who had caused his depression but he wanted to kill somebody.
    That was it. I realized that I had no interest in harming myself (I never have) and I didn’t give enough of a shit about Loser and that WTC to kill them….but I wanted to kill somebody!
    I stopped taking them.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Addiction runs on Losers’ side of the family….mostly alcoholism. My parents never had a drop of alcohol nor did I until I was 55. I have maybe had four or five drinks in my entire life. It’s not that I’m afraid of getting addicted…I just don’t care for it. My son is an alcoholic and my youngest daughter is well on her way. Loser was an alcoholic and so is his mama. I tried to warn my children about addiction and to my knowledge, none of them are drug-lovers….just booze lovers.
        If you have a propensity, it may just be something that you have to be aware of but if you really need something, try it. Like me, you will recognize when something isn’t right. If you do….just stop.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Most AD’s are not addictive in that they are something one would seek, like with an addiction (alcohol, drugs, sex etc..) more like the body depends on them and it can be an uncomfortable period if you come off them abruptly.. They should be tapered down.

    All that said, I took Paxil years ago (same class as Prozac) and was miserable and spent 2 days in my bedroom with lights off and door shut, wanting to be out of my skin! Will never take that again. I was realllly reluctant to even start an AD as I have had issues with meds in the past.

    To the point today that I am beyond anxious because I am taking this pill now, and waiting for something to happen because of it. I’m not sleeping, I’m antsy… I was feeling this way before I started but it’s not better, and maybe worse..

    So, I am waiting to hear from a good old fashioned psychiatrist. She’s private and manages her own office. I got her personal voicemail when I called to schedule.

    This feels like a really good thing today. I accomplished something, so long as I answer the phone when she calls back.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I have an article which used to be readily available and requires membership now :(. I have it scanned. It is called “Exposing the Mythmakers” and is written by Duncan, Miller and Sparks (2000). I tried to add it someway somewhere but could not figure it out. I got the pdf and if anyone wants it let me know.

    When you read Paul Foxman, PhD, and anxiety expert, you will find in his book on page 253 the list of frequently prescribed medication. Foxman is careful not to promote and rightly so. He prefers meditation, healthy diets, yoga and therapy. He also promotes some not-scientifically validated homeopathic or naturopathic medication, which costs a lot of money and which he should not have mentioned in his book.
    In short, for the “ailments” discussed on these Blog posts, there are three options when it comes to pills: Beta blockers, Benzodiazepines and the SSRIs and its variants. The first work fast but are also blood pressure lowering and therefore mostly given to heart patients or for short use. The second are the Benzos varying from fast acting and short working to taking its time and having an effect up to three days. They can make people drowsy and can be addictive when taken on a long term. The latter group, the infamous antidepressants/anti-anxieties in general take much longer to kick in than told (often 4 weeks)…the side effects are significant, it is hard to wean yourself off it and it overall numbs. It sure works (for some) to take the edge off, depending on the type, but it also takes the fun out of your life.

    Having said this: No one responds the same to meds. Elderly respond different from kids and women from men. There are also individual differences based on all other factors (metabolism, allergies, weight etc).
    Some swear by their meds and are lifelong on Effexor and too afraid to lower the dose. If people say it works for them…what can you say? Either it works, they think it works or they do notice any difference but believe that their physician knows best. One thing I can state: family physicians are not trained in these drugs and more often than not, do not know what they might do for you.

    A lot take marihuana and or a glass of red….Who is to say…I wonder what is more risky and what might be more helpful. I go for the red…

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Sleep…people need sleep. If you do not sleep…you need to do something. No sleep creates manic episodes, delusional thinking, heart palpitations, weight loss….in short doing crazy things!
    So, if you do not sleep and tried all the healthy alternatives from meditation to massage to hot baths to reading, to hot milk…..you might need something for a short period of time. If those who are Dx’d with Bipolar Disorder slept when in their manic stage, they would not be manic…serious!
    Hugs and don’t kill me if you are in love with your meds….I won’t take them away from you. If you are happy, I am happy.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks Dr. E. When I think of my Mom, I just remember she laid on the couch all day, drinking her endless cups of coffee, smoking her cigs and watching Young and the Restless, As the World Turns, followed by Days of our Lives. So, I didn’t really see her meds giving her much motivation.

      I do know that exercise, perhaps some meditation would be a great way to go to find motivation, and yet I have to find a way to get a kick start on that all. I certainly don’t want to numb the good. And, I do know that numbing goes both ways.

      Yes, sleep is an issue for me. I wake up tired. I never feel like I’ve gotten sound sleep. For a while I wasn’t sleeping but a few hours a night. I started taking something called Knock-Out, it is Melatonin, Valerian and Theanine. It helped, but then it got to the point where I would wake-up at 3 AM and be up until 5 or 6 AM, then want to crash again. And, I felt tired all day. Now, I take nothing. I do sleep most of the night, but I still wake-up feeling so so so tired, which really isn’t helping the motivation to get off my butt. I don’t know. . .

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Dr E. Respectfully asking.. Are you an MD? Am an RN, with a BSN. I would love to see the PDF. You definitely sound like you get the bigger picture.

      Right now and for me, I know, intuitively that something is off chemically in my body, I feel it coursing thru me. And I know that sounds crazy, perhaps it is… But I know that the long term effects of stress/anxiety/trauma result in increased cortisol.. And I really think that’s what is going on.. I cannot get myself to relax.. Even when I think I am.. I do a body scan.. And undoubtably my jaw or shoulders are tense..

      I appreciate your comment!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hi RAC,
        sorry to disappoint you. I have a PhD in clinical/research psychology and a masters in counseling psychology. I focused on the effectiveness of therapy and scrutinized the effect sizes and sample size and sample methods of many articles on meds (it is bad). Therefore I am very skeptical about the claims made by the med makers.
        I suggest to read a lot and to ask a lot of questions. In order to relax…it sounds simplistic but hard physical labour and/or exercising can relax the body and the mind. It also stimulates the endorphins and they numb pain in more than one way. It also provides an overall feeling of wellbeing based on having done something for yourself. It stimulated metabolism.

        I will be more careful in my replies…sometimes I just let myself go…but to my defense, I can back up my claims with research articles.
        You can find my email. I will send you the pdf when I can.

        Liked by 2 people

        1. Oh no disappointment at all, I respect your advise and comment, truly. I have struggled with mental wellness, and hand basket of diagnosis’s and al la cart meds. I have been drug free for well over 3 years, until I started Wellbutrin last week. But just taking a pill right now causes me major anxiety. My mental instability started years ago when I had a variety of meds added, one by one.. Until I took trazadone.. And thought I was going insane, truly. The anxiety was unbearable. Then I crashed and was majorly depressed. After I weaned myself off meds. I did find joy and peace and contentme

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Contentment. But since this affair came to light, I just cannot get out of my own way. I struggle with being easily overwhelmed with the daily tasks that I always easily managed. And now the anxiety. It’s what it is.. Underlying everything for me. I think ptsd, as I am a 12 year veteran. But I really hate to self diagnose. That is the reason I pointed out my credentials, only to point that I’m not a lay person. And I am well aware of the holistic, naturopathic approach to mental health. It works, I know because I was drug free and felt mostly well. I am an empath to my core, so I get emotionally exhausted. I’m also melancholy and sensitive. My feelings get hurt easily.

            I’m off to read thru my your blog. Thank you for your comment! Truly, I appreciate such an educated and thoughtful response.

            I am waiting as I type this response, for a clinical psychologist, with Ph.D. To talk with.. Someone educated in the effects of medications and good old couch talk therapy and healthy habits.

            I look forward to reading the PDF.

            ❤️ rac

            Liked by 1 person

            1. “I just cannot get out of my own way. I struggle with being easily overwhelmed with the daily tasks that I always easily managed. And now the anxiety. It’s what it is.” Oh Rac, I’m right there with you. Thank you Dr. E and Rac for this conversation!!!

              Liked by 2 people

          1. Hi TL
            I have to read up on TalkShoe. I understand privacy issues. When I do groups with clients or the people I supervise, we meet in person and can do Skype Groups. Attendees sign a confidentiality agreement.

            Liked by 1 person

          2. TL, have you seen bloom for women? It’s an online support for betrayal trauma and seems most specific to sex addicts’ spouse’s betrayal. It’s a pay per month site. But first 15 days are free. I signed up to check out the courses and have been pleased with what I’ve found there so far..

            Liked by 2 people

            1. RAC, thank you. I’ll take a look. I know AR has some individual groups too and we do like much of what they offer. But, really what we are looking for is an ongoing support group for couples with break out sessions (women’s group and men’s group) for the spouses of the couples support group. We so desperately want to find such a group that is not dependent upon (though doesn’t have to be exclusive of) following an SA diagnosis and TSF treatment. Finding group support, with that being the case, has been difficult. xx

              Liked by 1 person

  6. I haven’t taken any, and stopped therapy – I didn’t see it helping. Not saying this is the right way to do it, just how I have done it. I started running more (when I could).

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I took wellbutrin early on after discovery with klonopin for anxiety occasionally. The wellbutrin made me violent so my Dr took me of that pretty quick. I take the klonopin very rarely now. It’s just good to know it’s close by. Since the couple weeks on wellbutrin I haven’t taken any ADs. Some people need them I understand that. I don’t like taking any medication so I’ve been going through the ups and downs on my own.
    Good luck to you in whatever you decide to do. (((Hugs)))

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Forever, thanks. Those side effects scare me so much. And, I know that exercise has no such risks. I know what I want to do, I know what I need to do. But, as the moment approaches to put on the exercise clothes and step out that door I always seem to find an excuse. I need to get over this hurdle, because I do know it will help.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Exercise will help! I don’t have the hurdle of deciding to go work out or not since I teach Zumba 4x a week. Yet I do believe it helps keep me even keeled. I have also been having to get massages due to two car accidents and that helps with stress as well! I’m not into medicating myself and try not to take pills unless needed and ADs do work for a lot of people. I also stopped going to a counselor early on, I felt it wasn’t helping either. But that’s just me. Everyone’s journey of healing is different.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Hi TL…I have taken Zoloft for over twenty years since being diagnosed with clinical depression. I immediately begin spiraling downward when I do not take it, so for me, it is a life saver. After d-day, my doctor increased my dosage and I will likely decrease that to normal levels soon. I was given Xanax for anxiety but was warned that it was highly addictive so chose to take it only in an emergency and discontinued after two months. I look at AD’s like I look at my Zocor that I take for high cholesterol. I exercise, I watch my fat and carb intake but my cholesterol is something that my body just produces metabolically and the meds balance it. Well, for the depression, I meditate, I do yoga, therapy, mindfulness etc… but my serotonin levels and cortisol due to my natural body processes and added stress because of my marital issues are out of whack, so my meds help balance that. Just as addiction is a disease, so is PTSD, depression, anxiety disorder etc. We wouldn’t hesitate to take cancer meds, or heart meds, or anything else. So…. Just my view of it. You need to do what sits right with you. Good luck and good for you for reaching out! 😊

    Liked by 3 people

  9. Dearest TL, you’ve had a lot of advice given here, so a lot to think about. Only you can make the decision and it’s a tough one to make. I did not, do not take any medication. I think in part that this is due to being afraid of not being in control of my feelings even if they’re desperate. Fortunately I have not, experienced a ‘mental’ illness but I did have a friend with bi-polar who absolutely needed medication, so the whole business confuses me. I don’t even know if she had a choice – when it got really bad, she was hospitalised.

    Has dealing with MC’s infidelity tipped you over the edge?

    One thing that I have learned since my own D-day is to be kind to myself. There have been times when the minimum it takes to get through a day has been too much for me – but I have let it wash over me. I understand it as normal. I have been betrayed by the man who I trusted with my heart and so called friends facilitated it. The downright disgusting nature of what he got up to with Pig Shit still makes me want to bury my head in my hands because I have remained with him. We are still married. It’s a lot to have to accommodate. But, we are not our thoughts. Thoughts change and moods lift and time just rolls on – nothing, absolutely NOTHING remains the same. Paul Simon sung “Everything put together
    Sooner or later falls apart. There’s nothing to it, nothing to it. And you can cry. You can lie
    For all the good it’ll do you, you can die. But when It’s done, and the police come, and they lay you down for dead, just remember what I said”

    It’s OK to take a rest; to take a break. It’s OK to feel overwhelmed when something traumatic happens in our life – it’s normal to feel depressed. But not forever! It’s recognising that distinction. Do you think you can ride this wave or do you need help.

    I’ll admit to meditation (but that’s a discipline a struggled with for years – long time prior to D-day) and wine. I enjoy an evening glass or two of wine and enjoy the relaxation but then this has to be watched to make sure that it doesn’t become a crutch.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I keep thinking if I made it through the first year without meds, why should I need them now. And truly my fear of them outweighs so much of my temptation to try them. But, then I also see that I am struggling to move beyond myself, to allow myself to feel joy, to feel good.

      I like the Paul Simon lyrics! I know in my heart that if I throw myself back into exercise, it will help my mind. Perhaps I should require a certain amount of exercise before I allow myself to log-in to the computer. Hmmm. . .?

      Liked by 1 person

  10. No mess here, though I considered it for awhile. Not wanting to feel anxious is the reason I have kept up my 6x weekly exercise habit. That said, if I needed to take something to get me through the worst of it, I would. Under strict medical care though.


    1. After d-day, I was exercising 6 days/week. Boot camp, kick boxing, swimming and personal training. My body was fricken awesome. And though the rest of me was falling apart, still in zombie land, my body kicked ass. I miss it. I want it back. The body, not the zombie land existence.

      I cannot even imagine my mental state without that release. I threw myself into it. Now that the desperation is not as pronounced, the motivation to JUST DO IT is not as prevalent either. I don’t want to go back to Zombie land to get myself fit again. I don’t want to even imagine where I would have been had I not thrown myself into exercise. Is there an existence worse than zombie land? If so I surely would have been there. I know that exercise gives me so much. Would it be stupid to consider that a part of me is afraid to feel good? I don’t know what is holding me back. I need to get MOVING. Grr. . .

      Liked by 1 person

  11. TL, we all do this crap differently, so whatever advice you get here you should definitely discuss with your doctor. I’ll just share my experience, so you get one more input. I am normally not one to take pills quickly, but this trauma is obviously not your usual flu. Early on in the process, right after suspicion day and right after discovery day, I was an absolute wreck. Days went by without sleep, and I was falling apart. I did not get up from the couch, I watched my 70 year old mother care for my child, the household, my dad, and be sad to see me, her only daughter suffer. I did not eat. I was quickly losing weight, losing strength, losing me. It was absolutely not manageable at that point, she knew, I knew that I needed to get some sleep, first and foremost. So it was my mother who gave me a few Xanax pills so I can get some sleep. I did not get addicted to it, I only took it for the anxiety and the insomnia, and it helped me through some dark shit that’s for sure. But it did not help with motivation – I had to tackle that on my own. My first therapist asked me if I want drugs, I said no, and that was the discussion about it. Motivation for me came through hard work: I forced myself to get up and do stuff. Only stuff I would normally love to do: meeting friends, baking a batch of cookies, doing some walking, taking a drive. All these activities I had to literally force myself to do – but once I got going it was easier. As in, I agreed to meet my friend at a restaurant, and when it was time to start getting ready I really did not want to go. At all. It felt like a huge burden. But I forced myself to go, did not allow myself to cancel, no matter how big the temptation was. And once I was there with the friend, I felt happy that I did it – first it was good to see the friend, second I was proud I was sitting on the couch like I do 90% of the time. After some time and some focused selfcare, I had more and more willingness to do things – but the key was that I was only doing things I knew I would enjoy. That was my way of being kind to myself. Once you get through the hardest part, your healthy motivation is going to be back – I found myself doing a massive spring cleaning this past weekend (definitely not an activity that’s usually on the “I enjoy doing this anytime” list) with no issues. But again, we are all different – maybe there’s a med out there that will give you the kickstart you need.


    1. Oh MWS, you hit the nail on the head with the motivation. I really don’t think meds can do much to help with that and that truly is where I am lacking right now.

      It is also a matter of momentum. I think I am afraid to try. But, I’m not sure why.

      Liked by 1 person

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