Through this shit storm, time and again the counselors wanted me to get on anti-depressants. Time and again, I would explain that due to my mother’s addictions to prescription drugs, including ADs (yes, along with opiates, but still. . .), that I ABSOLUTELY refuse. I am so bat-shit scared of her addictions becoming my addictions. And, I don’t want to be that person, that Mom, for my kids.
And, yet, am I really any better of a mom than she was? Would ADs help me function more wholly? Would ADs help me to be more present in each moment of each day, until I could once again understand what that actually feels like?
I know that exercise is a natural AD for me, and yet all too often I let it go to the wayside of priorities. I lack motivation. That is what it boils down to at this point in so many ways, I lack motivation. I want to enjoy life, but I cannot imagine what might fill me with personal enjoyment. I have two beautiful children, I finished my Masters, I’ve gone back to work. I have so much outside of myself to live for, but very little within myself to live for. Does that even make sense?
I really don’t want to deal with AD’s, trying to find the right fit, and then chancing my mother’s addictions. I just cannot bring myself to it. But, I do need some help in some way to get over this hurdle. Has anyone not taken meds? What helped you get that motivation?