First things first, I’m a realist

Ok, so our kids love that song, most likely because of the Jimmy Fallon Lip Sync battle with Emma Stone that they saw on YouTube. But, that specific line just fits well here.

When we created this site, we did so with a theme in mind. In the last few days I articulated that theme in a way that I had not really been able to do before.

I know many see the name of our site and think it means something different than it does. I thought the words of recent days were worth posting to give texture to the meaning we did intend.

Reconcile4Life meaning:

If the marriage ends, it is easy to be definitive, IT IS OVER, no more definitive than that. But, it doesn’t work that way with reconciliation, does it? That is the thing with reconciling. Successful reconciliation is a marriage long process, not a line in the sand. While progress can be seen over the years, you cannot really declare success in the middle of the journey. Well, I suppose you could, but I wouldn’t suggest it. Declare progress, recognize progress, of course. Declare success, not until the end of our life together can I make that evaluation.

I keep thinking of President Bush standing on the aircraft carrier declaring success, “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED” after getting Sadaam Hussein. It led many of us to believe that now we could relax, the major battles had been fought and won. Yet, nothing could have been further from the truth. If you choose to go into something like that, success is just not that finite, clear and easy. I mean we may say look at Germany and Japan, these are our success stories after WWII. But, don’t forget we have a huge presence in those countries still. It wasn’t like, win a battle, declare victory, all is good now, time to move on.

And, then out in the reconciliation world, especially out in the forums, I would see things from people declaring “we are happily reconciled,” “we are living our happily ever after” or “I know he has learned his lesson and will never ever do this again.” You don’t know, you cannot know. You can see progress, you can have proof along the way that all is going in a good direction, but start declaring finite “success” and what happens, both parties take their eye off the ball and it is exactly these folks who end up exactly back where they started wondering where their second chance at a fantasy went wrong.

The fantasy is gone for me forever, I want it gone, I don’t want a life based on fantasy. It’s a path, it’s a journey, we need to keep our eye on the path, on the journey. That doesn’t mean I want to be bleeding from gaping wounds along the path. I don’t. I can’t. That would make the journey impossible to continue upon. I suppose this all sounds so depressing to some, but to me it is the point. No more fantasy, no more rose-colored glasses, not gray either, just clear and real and forward.

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5 thoughts on “First things first, I’m a realist

  1. Exactly right. I waver between keeping things as they are (manageably discontent – an easy-because-it’s-known condition to me) and telling W to PLEASE go out, find someone who can support him, and LEAVE us already… I want him to do what he feels compelled to do, even if it’s bad in the short run, as long as he’s honest about it. I don’t want to be lingering on and on, wondering if/when/how he will %^&$ up my life next.

    The harsh reality of divorce is easier to handle than the mindf*ckery of LIKELY what ifs, in every area… not just having sex with others. It is the un-faithful-ness that is a reoccuring theme, sex outside the marriage or not. I can’t look forward to a future filled with such misery.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. IOH,

      Divorce is the surest option to not be cheated on again by our husbands. It is the most definitive resolution to the relationship. Even still, we do not know what the future may hold. I will never be without that doubt again, whether with MC or with someone else, it is part of my psyche now. The only way to be sure would be to not risk myself with anyone, for anyone again. I know I do not want to live like that, I want a loving, intimate relationship as part of my life. I don’t need one, but I want one. And, I do want that to be with MC if it is possible. And, so I go day-by-day as I try figure that out, trying to move forward one way or another, wishing I had a crystal ball and knowing that such a thing does not exist.

      I think given reality that we cannot know the future, we do not have a crystal ball, we can only do our best to take the path we think most likely to lead to personal fulfillment, knowing that life has ups and downs and everything in between along the way. I know that I have a need, a desire to separate out the fear of the unknown from my decision making process to find the best path forward.

      I know a good portion of mitigating such fear must come from me, which is the reason I am getting my Masters degree (done in one week) and the reason I went back to work after being a SAHM for so many years. Also, part of that needed to come from MC. His sitting down with me to figure out how to get the kids and I back home and set-up should I decide that is what I need, the post-nup agreement, financial safety nets, even the polygraphs, etc. . .

      Whatever path forward, I don’t want fear to be the one leading my choices. Still, none of these things completely take away that element of the fear of the unknown, but they do help to mitigate it and they do help to show me that MC wanting my safety is not contingent upon staying in the marriage, which is a paving of the path forward one way or another.

      I have a fear of the future. I have a fear of the next thing to be thrown my way. It is not isolated to things having to do with MC. I need to learn to live life again in spite of this fear. I hope to do it with MC by my side on the journey, but a journey that walks through reality together or each on our own if need be. Regardless, not a journey based on some Disney fantasy and the inevitable disappointments that follow such illusions.

      We cannot know the future, but we can make conscious choices to mitigate fear and provide some mechanisms of safety as we journey forward in whatever direction we feel is best, whatever direction that may be. Sending you my love and support as you keep your eyes on the path, whatever you decide is the best path forward for you. TL xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Tiger Lily I love this post; you’ve articulated where I’m at so well – I share so many of your sentiments. Relationships are work and just like a job you can’t just turn up and expect to get paid – you have to do stuff!

    Romance is a fantasy – we are fed the Walt Disney version and buy it. That’s not to say that a long term relationship doesn’t have deep satisfaction and joy but it also has its dark side and just like life – we have to navigate daily whatever gets thrown out way. Reconciliation is for life – you have an excellent blog title 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. MR, Too true on the whole Disney fantasy crap that we buy into as a society. Our “instant gratification” society, mixed that with the Disney fairytale myth is a dangerous combination. Too many are raised to believe that their partner is there to complete them, fill in their gaps, make them happy. The reality that their partner is not perfect, that their unhappiness didn’t just go away, that their spouse cannot just take it away, must mean that there is something fundamentally wrong with their spouse, instead of the fact that actually there is something fundamentally wrong within themselves.

      And yes, the marriage in reconciliation can have deep satisfaction, friendship, love, joys and sorrows together, forward and ahead. Also, though, it will take two whole parallel people to face that life authentically, as opposed to the two half broken people trying to fit together, expecting the other to fill in the gaps.

      I just think of how for so long MC expected me to fill his broken leaking cup and when I couldn’t, it is now painstakingly clear to us that he was angry at me for that and looked to everything and everyone else to fix that leak and fill that cup. This path forward means he has to fix that leak and look to himself to fill his cup from within, not from external sources. Self-pity is like that, isn’t it? The problem is that as a betrayed I now find myself sometimes tempted by self-pity. And, as tempted as I am to now have that leaking, broken cup and expect others to fix and fill it, I know that path leads to a victim mentality that is difficult to escape and that is a path I do not want to follow. As much as MC’s loving support is an important part of this path we are on, I know I must learn to see myself through my own eyes in a positive way too. But, I don’t always find that so easy.

      Liked by 1 person

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