Yesterday, MR asked me “You love him but is your relationship good enough to stay? Or is it bad enough to leave?”
That was a new way to put it, a new perspective from which to look. My answer is that I feel in limbo on that question. Some days I lean heavily in one direction, some days the other, some I’m just walking the line.
You know MC has done so very much since d-day. Actively taking steps for me, for our family and to address many of his core issues. This incident was a let down to say the least! And, even still, before this incident happened I would say I saw him ALLOWING himself to be vulnerable with opportunities that clearly arose. These last few days I see him pursuing being vulnerable. I don’t know exactly how to explain the difference, but it is there. I think this made it clear that there was still a few bricks left in his wall, bricks of fear and he was letting them slow and filter his sharing of all with me instantly. These last few days those bricks have been gone. He is not even letting fear have the chance to get in the way. So, I’m taking it in. I think it is somehow a difference between passive vulnerability and active vulnerability.
I do love him and I really don’t want to leave him. But, I also need to stop bleeding. There is no crystal ball, no matter what. Last night I told him it is hard for me to dream of any future any more because I know more bad things in my life will happen. I know. I don’t mean because of him, but there is no way that life won’t throw something else my way, his way, our way, everyone’s way at some point, THAT IS LIFE. Regardless of MC, I need to find my way back to living in spite of that fact. I would love my partner and friend there by my side as we face life, but that means full vulnerability from him (and what I am so scared to do, from me). Right now, seeing him actively pursue paving that road is a step in the right direction.