Bleeding out

The kids and I are huge Imagine Dragon fans. I cannot help but think of the song “I’m bleeding out. . .” If you’ve been reading the blog, you know that over the last few days, we’ve been dealing with something of which I am trying to figure out how best to move forward. Here is my thinking today. . .

I do think MC really wants to change, I think he is trying to change, but the thing is that if I don’t feel safe in my present and future, I cannot heal. That’s how it is. We are set to move overseas this summer. All of us were/are so excited about that.

I know MC wants to be healthy, I know he wants to be a man of integrity. The question is, is he capable? If he can be healthy, then I can be with him. If not, then I just can’t be with him.

Then I wonder, am I just delaying the inevitable? Perhaps just taking the kids HOME this summer, getting a place near family, and starting over would just get this show on the road.

Since D-day, MC is so involved with the kids, with me, and home life and family, in a way he never was before. He is an active present participant in our lives and we love that, all of us love that! And, the kids and I going HOME means we really won’t see MC but once/year for a few weeks at a time. That makes me so very sad. So, I have this scale in my head. On one side is the sadness of being away from MC. On the other side is my fear of staying and being hurt. And, I don’t just mean hurt from if he cheated again – that would be such a clear done deal. But, the hurt that comes from the fact that he is still learning, making mistakes, fumbling the ball and each time that happens my wounds that may be in the healing stages, get picked at and begin to bleed. I’m tired of bleeding!

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5 thoughts on “Bleeding out

  1. I understand completely. ❤ For your sake, I hope you have a sign – good or bad – that will make you feel firm in a decision that you'll be able to look back upon without regret… sadness, perhaps, but not regret. ::squeezes:: Take care of you!

    Liked by 3 people

  2. TL, I didn’t comment on your post yesterday because it looked as though you already have way too much going on – I just want to say I hope my comment on MC’s post didn’t aggravate your suffering.

    This is a terribly difficult situation – I feel for you, unfortunately feel your pain too well. Sorry that you hit a roadblock – or a minefield, rather -, and I’ll pray that you find some peace to make a decision that’s best for you and your family. Such a shitty situation MC put you in, but it is just another (major) fork in the road. Stay strong – you are amazing in how you’ve dealt with this so far. Hugs

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks. I’ve been a bit distracted this morning, reading, looking, writing in the blogosphere. G-d, I need to stop. I do so need to focus on my work. But the support here is very much appreciated. Now, I really should get my focus back on those damn deadlines. Thank MWS and IOH, thank you, thank you!

      Liked by 2 people

    1. You know I’ve loved this quote from the very first time I saw it in that old book I found on my Grandpa’s book shelf. I could not help but think of how much it applies here, how much it applies now. I do believe your intentions are real. I do believe your intentions are good. But, it takes more than intentions.

      The tragic evils of our life are so commonly unintentional. We did not start out for that poor, cheap goal. That aim was not in our minds at all. Of all the men who land in Sing Sing, who ever made Sing Sing his ideal? Not the ultimate intention but the means and the methods used lead to our Sing Sings. That’s why the road to hell is always paved with good intentions and that is why I am not celebrating high ideals, lofty aims, fine purposes, grand resolutions, but am saying instead that one of the most dangerous things in the world is to accept them and think you believe in them, and then neglect the day-by-day means that lead to them.

      Ah, my soul, look to the road you are walking on! He who picks up one end of a stick picks up the other. He who chooses the beginning of a road chooses the place it leads to. It is the means that determine the ends. – Harry Emerson Fosdick

      Liked by 2 people

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