And, I don’t mean by Pink Floyd or anything paid for by Mexico.
I keep a wall between me and vulnerability. I am not ready yet to let down that wall. I know that it keeps me away from experiencing the full colors of life, fully giving and receiving love, fully experiencing joy. While the wall cannot protect me from all pain, it does protect me from experiencing any new pain to the fullest extent that vulnerability would allow.
Over the last weeks, I will often tell myself as I lay down to sleep, tomorrow, just for one day, I am going to climb over that wall. Just for one day I am going to freely laugh and love, just for one day I am going to allow joy without reminding myself that pain is the equal and opposite reaction. Maybe, just maybe, for one day I will forgive and see what happens. It is just one day, how hard can that be?
And, then, the morning comes. And, it is still too hard. I do hope to get there. I do think the one-day-at-a-time method will be the mostly likely way to test those waters. I’m just not quite ready.
Morning addition: In the morning light I do think for me to truly be able to start being vulnerable I need to have more confidence in MC being actively vulnerable, as opposed to passively vulnerable.
On the other hand, as I was just lamenting to him the other day (see his swimming pool/ocean analogy), I need my healing not to be tethered or dependent upon his.
Image found here.