The shield of doubt

I am scared. I am scared to believe in others, I’m scared to believe in my own instincts, I’m scared to believe in the future, I’m scared to live in the present. I’m scared. I know it, I see it, I feel it and I have trouble letting it go.

I am working hard to give myself the tools to not be scared of my future, whatever it holds, whomever it includes. But, I still don’t trust my own instincts. I am beginning to realize that such lack of trust in my own instincts is purposeful on some level.

Here’s what I know. All too often, the betrayed who declare with certainty, “I have forgiven him for everything” or “We are living our happily ever after” or “I know 100% that he will never do this again” and/or “we are fully R’d” or any variety of such thing are the very same spouses who find themselves in the same boat a few years down the road.

I know also that this realization has created a shield of doubt for me, in that I cannot help but think the moment I stop doubting, the moment I stop questioning will be the same moment that I am setting myself up to be hurt again.

I’ve questioned, would leaving my marriage allow me to let go of this fear? And, the truth is that the only way to never have this fear again is to be alone for the rest of my life, to not have an intimate relationship with another human. I don’t want that. Relationships are always a risk. I do love my husband and I do see him doing all he can to limit those risks. I guess I just keep working on me, to know I will be ok no matter what happens, and then take the rest day-by-day. I don’t know. I wish I had a crystal ball. I wish I had the answers. That is the one thing of which I have no doubt, I do not have all the answers. Ugh!

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “The shield of doubt

  1. TigerLily,
    You write it so beautifully. I will direct my clients to your writings as this is what so many people struggle with.
    Letting your shield go…
    Loving and allowing yourself to love, means giving yourself and it means being vulnerable. Some people will never be able to love (to give themselves fully and to give to another) and although they might not hurt as much, they also miss out on the most beautiful experience life offers. It is the joy (intrinsic happiness) that poets write about, singers express and therapists try to analyse.
    You are capable to love and to give and you will feel empty without it.
    No crystal ball needed, I think you won’t trust that damn ball anyway :)!
    Elisabeth

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Dr. E, thank you so much. Your post made me smile, you’re right I wouldn’t trust a crystal ball either. 😉 And, yes, I do see that until I allow myself to lower the shield, allow myself to love and to give, a place of emptiness will exist. That really describes it well. Thank you again!!!

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s