I am scared. I am scared to believe in others, I’m scared to believe in my own instincts, I’m scared to believe in the future, I’m scared to live in the present. I’m scared. I know it, I see it, I feel it and I have trouble letting it go.
I am working hard to give myself the tools to not be scared of my future, whatever it holds, whomever it includes. But, I still don’t trust my own instincts. I am beginning to realize that such lack of trust in my own instincts is purposeful on some level.
Here’s what I know. All too often, the betrayed who declare with certainty, “I have forgiven him for everything” or “We are living our happily ever after” or “I know 100% that he will never do this again” and/or “we are fully R’d” or any variety of such thing are the very same spouses who find themselves in the same boat a few years down the road.
I know also that this realization has created a shield of doubt for me, in that I cannot help but think the moment I stop doubting, the moment I stop questioning will be the same moment that I am setting myself up to be hurt again.
I’ve questioned, would leaving my marriage allow me to let go of this fear? And, the truth is that the only way to never have this fear again is to be alone for the rest of my life, to not have an intimate relationship with another human. I don’t want that. Relationships are always a risk. I do love my husband and I do see him doing all he can to limit those risks. I guess I just keep working on me, to know I will be ok no matter what happens, and then take the rest day-by-day. I don’t know. I wish I had a crystal ball. I wish I had the answers. That is the one thing of which I have no doubt, I do not have all the answers. Ugh!