Over the last weeks we’ve had some highs and some lows. I had a sense of the lows being related, but could not put my finger exactly on how or why.
You’ve read MC’s posts about listening, about the past inauthenticity in his image and habits, and my posts about desiring spontaneity.
Up until very recently, I believed part of my desire for spontaneity from and with MC was about his willingness to risk it all for me in the way he did with others. When, I really think about it, that is not at all what I want. The reality is that the risks he took, were also risks to our family. And, I don’t want that at all.
With B’s help, we realized some things. I think MC will speak more about his realizations, but I need to mention a brief description in order for readers to understand my realizations.
MC’s life, including our marriage, was spent with a dark cloud over head. A dark cloud that he did NOT want removed. This dark cloud allowed him to live in fear, in anger, in resentment and in self-pity. Instead of being willing and wanting to work through his fears, he let them rule his life in the “normal” world. His nefarious, evil life was based on a complete disregard of fears and rules. Whereas in his normal life the mantra was “always assume the worst will happen,” in his “fantasy life” the mantra was “nothing bad will ever happen, I am immune from the worst happening.” All or nothing, night and day, black and white, never the twain shall meet.
In our marriage, I craved some freedom from his rules, his regiments, his fears, his worst-case scenarios and I took it upon myself to try to give that freedom to us. He always resisted and, in fact, it seems resented me wanting our life together to be free of his dark cloud once in a while. I am sad that for all of those years, he was able and willing to let go of his fears and “live in the moment,” just not with me. I wanted that so much. And, we could have done that together in a healthy and loving way without all of the stupid risks he took, so I am mourning that as well. It is not the risks that I want, it is the ability to enjoy the moment, live in the moment that I so missed, so wanted and so needed and still do.
I have asked MC many times, was it fun deceiving me, playing like the little kid stealing something from the cookie jar? Do you know what that cookie jar was? I now realize, it wasn’t just my happiness, though that was part of it. It was MC sharing joy and happiness with me, it was MC wanting to share joy and happiness with me, it was MC wanting to spend joyous spontaneous moments with me, it was allowing happiness, optimism and joy to rule our moments together instead of the pessimism, gloominess, negativity, and fear.
I was unsettled with MC’s refusal to acknowledge the possibility of a local office supply store. I was unsettled with his insistence that there was no local option, the piece our child needed will need to come from Amazon, and so our child’s science project will not be done in time, etc. . .
In another recent example, we plan to leave his career in a few years. It is time to go home. I do understand, however, that home may not be the easiest market for his skill set, so have acquiesced to expanding the job search zone to major metro areas within a day’s drive from home. Over the last month, whenever discussing leaving his current career, he talks of us moving to the furthest from home metro area within the “zone,” never even mentioning home as a possibility.
These recent events did not sit well with me. It turns out it was his fear overtaking him, the dark cloud, assuming the worst-case will be what happens, negative thinking. I was searching for what was unsettling me so. B helped us both realize that it was the dark cloud thinking.
He is working on his dark cloud. But, seeing its remains every now and again scares me to death. By the way, that doesn’t mean MC will not have fears. It does mean he seeks healthy ways to face and address his fear and not just allow it to become some hopeless dark cloud that he holds onto like a security blanket.
And, of course, I am still working through my own dark cloud that came into my world on d-day.