Another brain worm

It seems as the holidays get closer the brain worms come out. I don’t even know why. Tomorrow I need to focus on being thankful, but for the last few days the brains worms have been feasting.

A wish, a desire, something, I’m not sure. All through our marriage, Mindless has been a creature of habit, routine, and to-do lists to an obsessive degree. I was the “free-spirit” between the two of us. I was the one to instigate any and all activity that was spontaneous. I thought the show “Darma and Greg” was a good representation of the differences between us. I accepted that Mindless was absolutely INCAPABLE of spontaneity; it was just not how he was wired. And, so, I took it upon myself to ensure that it existed in our life and in our marriage.

When we started living overseas, our second job was in a small, beautiful country with stunning coastlines. We had no children and a two-seater convertible. I told him to pack a small bag because that weekend we were going to drive in the beautiful weather with the top down, through the valley and to the coast and enjoy a beautiful drive. We would stay wherever we wanted, when we were ready to stop for the night, NO RESERVATIONS, spur of the moment. He resisted, but eventually agreed.

Our first night we stayed in this small village, in a very simple pension. There was a lovely old woman who made sure we were well fed. The next night we stopped on the coast and found a simple hotel on the water, a step-up from the night before, but nothing fancy. The final night we found our way to one of the most beautiful resorts either of us had ever before seen. We stayed the night, they upgraded us to a suite for some unknown reason. It was gorgeous, it was unexpected and it was ours for the night.

During our time in that country, he was not cheating on me. Thank G-d for small favors. I think of that weekend and I relish it still. I made it happen for us, but he did let go, he enjoyed it too.

Still, it breaks my heart when I think of all of those years that I thought he was not capable of creating spontaneous moments when, in fact, he was. It breaks my heart when I think of all of those years that I thought he had no desire for spontaneous moments, when in fact he did have such desires, just not with me. It breaks my heart when I think of all of those years that I thought he was unable to let go of his habits, his routines, his to-do lists, when in fact he was able and willing to do so, just not with me. It is one of those brain worms and I have a hard-time letting that worm die.

Perhaps with kids, it is just too hard to be spontaneous. I mean, how can he be spontaneous when watching of children must be pre-arranged? Still, it burns me up inside that he was able to initiate and create spontaneous moments with others, while I was taking care of our children. Still, it burns me up inside that he was able to initiate and create spontaneous moments with others, just never with me. Spontaneity – a wish, a desire, something, I’m not sure. All I know is I cannot help but ask, “when is it my turn?”
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