After my Dad died, I had some exceptionally vivid dreams. He seemed like he was really there with me, talking with me. The last dream I had of him was so vivid and has stayed with me all of these years.
We had moved a lot, evicted from most of our homes. In this dream, I was at my Dad’s apartment. He turned to me and said “as long as you are able to come here, I will always be able to talk with you.” Suddenly, the landlord knocked demanding the rent. The apartment turned into a hobo like structure, held up by four sticks and covered by a patchwork quilt. The landlord grabbed the patchwork quilt off of the sticks and the apartment and my dad completely disappeared. I stood out on an empty sidewalk dumbfounded, while the landlord stood there laughing. I walked away in tears.
I walked along the sidewalk to a boardwalk and a bay. It was a strange boardwalk. Instead of going out into the ocean, it made a squarish letter “C.” There were glass walls separating the boardwalk from the ocean. I was able to see through walls into the ocean where many playful marine animals were frolicking about. But, these marine animals were cartoons, not the real thing. I woke-up.
I never really understood the last part of that dream. But, the first part was quite easy for me to understand. Dad was gone forever and there was absolutely nothing I could do to ever get him back.
The next time I felt similar feelings was after d-day, with the realization that the life I thought I had, was gone forever and I could never get it back. There is just a sadness about it that exists in me always, just like the sadness of losing my dad exists in me always.
For the first few years after losing my dad, I remember wishing that I could just take a vacation from the world for a while, watch from above as it continued to spin on its axis without me for a while. It took me several years to want to join the world again, when I decided within myself that I was ready.
I felt the same desire to take a break from the world after d-day. A part of me is ready to join the world again, but there is still a part of me that is not quite there yet. I need to get there. I need to get there.