Pet Peeves

There seems to be this grand divide among those of us who attempt to reconcile and those who don’t. In fact, it reminds me of the same type of divide between stay-at-home-moms and working moms.

If we are confident in our decision for ourselves, then I do believe such acrimony would not exist. But, that’s just it, isn’t it? None of us knows what the future holds and that is scary. And, questioning ourselves is part of the process of choosing the best path forward.

Perhaps it is scary when someone chooses a different path. I do believe that criticizing another’s choice is actually nothing more than us questioning our own choices. No matter the choice made, we each need to know that we can and will be ok within ourselves, no matter what comes our way in this life.  And, perhaps focusing such evaluations on ourselves, as opposed to on another, could actually help us to reach that personal goal.

Here’s the thing, the goal of being ok within ourselves, does not happen just because one seeks divorce. How many times have I seen those in the divorce camp encouraging someone to leave to find someone new, because they deserve a healthy loving partner. I understand the sentiment, but I don’t really think that is healthy either. It still seems to be encouraging seeking happiness through another. If divorce is chosen, shouldn’t it  be the goal to be ok within ourselves, regardless of any partner that may or may not exist? If reconciliation is chosen, shouldn’t it be the goal to be ok within ourselves, regardless of our partner?

The way I see it, the end-goal is not different, it is simply the path chosen that is different. This applies to the decision to divorce or reconcile, but equally applies to diagnosis and treatment options as well. Like the stay-at-home-mom or the working-mom, we all want the best path forward for ourselves and our family. I don’t see why choosing a different path to get there should hinder our ability to understand, learn from and support each other.

We do not have to reinvent the wheel, learning from others that have faced these choices before us. But, at the same time, attempting to destroy another’s newly built wheel because it looks a bit different from our own, says more about our lack of confidence in our own wheel than it says about anything or anyone else.

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8 thoughts on “Pet Peeves

  1. I agree fully with you here. Criticising someone else’s choices says more about your choices than theirs. I also agree that post adultery the focus should be on making yourself resilient and confident to face the future, with or without someone else. I think this is where relationships have the most dysfunction. Someone else will never be able to fill in any of the gaps in your life. You have to fill these gaps with your own self-esteem. If it’s weak it needs to be strengthened.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. MR, exactly. I think you are right, relationships with the most dysfunction are those that are looking to the other to fill those gaps and blaming the other for not being able to do so.

      In fact, when I think about it, I think that is the underlying theme to many cheaters who are seeking ego kibbles; they are looking to others to fill those gaps that can only be filled from within.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ll never understand the folks who just have to be in a relationship. I love my wife, and can’t, after 24 years together, imagine her not being part of my life. But I’d never met her, or been with anyone else, my life would still be fine and fulfilling and I’d have still achieved goals and had a career, etc. Why do people fear being without a relationship? If they’re relying on another human to fulfill them, they’re in for long and likely unfulfilling existence.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sonofabeach,

      In my estimation, you are coming at this from a healthy view point. Looking for fulfillment through the thoughts, words, actions or deeds of another is poison. Unfortunately, I think we are often raised with the idea that we will find a partner that “completes us” or that together we are two halves of a whole. I think growing up, that was certainly the perspective that was prevalent around me. And, I do think I bought into it way too much, to my own detriment. Now we finally understand that we need to be two whole people coming together, not two half-people expecting the other to fill in the missing pieces.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s as if people have zero clue that they can live alone, they don’t HAVE to be tied to another, and they CAN live a great life of their own volition. It’s great to have a partner to share life with, but not essential to living the life you want. It’s icing on the cake, not the batter.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Not that I have been blogging all that long but I do recall almost immediately receiving a lot of judgmental comments from random women who felt I was a fool for staying. I was berated with comments like “once a cheater always a cheater.” The way I see it is this, I might be making a mistake but it’s my mistake to make. I welcome unsolicited advice as long as it is supportive in tone and without judgment. I agree with you that our end goal is the same regardless the path we choose …. we all just want to be happy and free of the pain the infidelity has caused us. xoxo

    Liked by 2 people

    1. “I welcome unsolicited advice as long as it is supportive in tone and without judgment. . .our end goal is the same regardless the path we choose …. we all just want to be happy and free of the pain the infidelity has caused us.”

      Woundedraven, I agree wholeheartedly!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. The tendency of people to verbally attack others who choose a different path reminds me of an uncomfortable dynamic relating to religion that we sometimes see. Some people are able to feel good about their faith without comparing it to other religions. Others, however, seem to be compelled to critique other people’s religions. It leaves me wondering why. Who cares whether someone else believes things you don’t believe? Let them think what they want on issues of choice like that.

    As for people completing each other, I remember that unhelpful view of love I had before D-day. I believed TL was supposed to make me happy. She could not. No one could. And, it was not her job. On the contrary, as a man who loved her, it was my job to seek the best for her regardless of what she did or didn’t do for me. And, it was my job, and mine alone, to make me happy. It took nearly losing TL on and after D-day for me to be open to learning that lesson. And, it took Rick Reynolds’ explanation of true love to help me learn it.

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