Why is porn with your partner different from porn alone?

It has now been nearly three-and-half years since I masturbated or used porn, at all. I quit, cold turkey. D-day was such a shock to me that it gave me the much-needed motivation to make big changes to my life. Quitting porn and masturbation was one of those big changes. Frankly, I’m proud of it.

The extremely infrequent exception is a few occasions when TL and I read porn together, as part of a loving activity shared by two equal partners. Occasionally, we also play a romantic board game or two that we bought. I think occasionally using porn together is OK for me. I think using porn or masturbating alone are not OK for me. I also think this may be different for different people.

Why do I feel OK about using it together but not OK about using it alone? I see two pitfalls to doing it alone. First, it is not only the act of masturbating or using porn that troubled me. It was also the fact that it was hidden. I retreated into a different world. It detracted from my connection to TL and to reality in general.

Second, if I use it with TL, I feel I can stop myself by discussing with TL whether and when we both feel like it. If I use it alone, I fear I will have much more trouble stopping myself. There will be little or no accountability.

So, what does this teach me? It teaches me that I should continue avoiding porn and masturbation alone. Is it OK for me to read something pornographic with my wife as part of a fun evening as a couple? I think so. If TL or someone told me not to do that, that would be OK too. Unlike doing it alone, reading porn with my wife is not a compulsive behavior for me. It just isn’t. It also does not cause me to think about it compulsively before or after.

We discussed this with B. She made a distinction. Viewing hard porn, where the fantasy and expectations are put in front of your eyes, is not healthy or appropriate. However, reading together and participating in the games together allows us to build, discuss and explore together. This is healthy in helping us learn to do this more freely together. That is a big part of the difference.

I’d welcome your opinions about this.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Why is porn with your partner different from porn alone?

  1. Just so readers know, the board games are called the “Kama Sutra Board Game” and “Monogamy.” We tried each one once so far. The Monogamy Board Game is set-up like Trivial Pursuit, but it seemed like it needed a lot of dedicated alone time to play and with kids that just has not been realistic. We really like the “Kama Sutra Board Game” in helping us learn to explore and be more at ease with each other. It is sensual and loving and you can play for as much or as little time as you have.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I think you hit the nail on the head with the “hidden” factor. Anything you keep from your partner is not a good thing. Porn in itself isn’t necessarily bad. Keeping it from, or replacing your partner with it, probably is.

    Liked by 2 people

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s