You know, the last few days have been rough ones for me emotionally. We have so much up in the air right now in our lives. I was always so careful in our past. Prior to d-day I never allowed us to carry consumer debt of any kind. Now, we are under it and it is killing me inside. I need to finish this degree, I need to know where the fuck we are going next, and then I MUST find a job! All of this, plus the other things we’ve recently discussed in the blog, let’s just say I am a wreck. I had a few tears and a lot of talking with MC. He’s deeply exploring and going to write about that in upcoming days.
Yesterday, I found myself wishing my dad were here. For the first time in a few years, while kids were at school, I spent a bit of time crying over missing and still needing my dad. You know, there are some in my family who are big believers in the paranormal. I’ve always tried to tell myself it is complete hogwash, irrational, illogical, etc. Only, since our youngest first started talking, there were weird conversations and incidents that would be described that made even me wonder, that made even MC (even less believing than me in such things) wonder. Our little one is smart, tenacious, witty, questioning and sometimes the things that come out of that child’s mouth, well. . .
Last night at dinner, our little one starts asking about my dad. This was completely out of the blue; the topic of Grandpa had not come up in a very long time. What was he like? Why did he get sick? Was he nice? Wishing Grandpa could spend time with us. Usually when I talk of my dad, I do so with a feeling of bittersweet nostalgia. He died so very many years ago. He was only a year older than I am right now when he died. I told our youngest that I know Grandpa would love to be a part of their lives and the tears started flowing from my eyes, I just couldn’t help it. My kids have never seen me cry over my dad. The kids and MC all gathered around me in a big loving, group hug.
If these things could be true, if such ability to sense was really possible, then maybe my dad was here with us last night and my little one sensed his presence. Maybe? Or, maybe just the thought of that is something I wouldn’t mind believing to be true right now. Maybe, sometimes, I just really still need my dad.