Both MC and I were members of Surviving Infidelity, but banned because our views did not align with the site administrator’s views. We believe the cheater does not get to use the excuse of “triggers” or shame to avoid talking to or dealing with their betrayed’s hurt feelings. We also believe that not all serial cheaters are sex addicts, that the sex addiction label and twelve-step are not the only diagnosis and treatment that can and should be used for serial cheaters, and certainly it is not the right fit for us personally. In addition, we do not believe the terms “reconciled” or “happily ever after” are healthy or appropriate when dealing with reconciliation; it is just setting oneself up for resting on their laurels, so to speak. After being banned for such views, we created Reconcile4Life.
We recently found another forum called Infidelity Health Group (IHG). We had such high hopes that it would be a good fit, appearing to share some of the views above. We had what we thought was a respectful conversation with Wayfarer, in the comments section, about love and ethics. With a disagreement about whether or not love should be transactional, we do not believe it should be. I do think that how we think that works was not completely understood by Wayfarer and IHG, but it doesn’t need to be by them, it is their site and forum after all. Ultimately, we were asked to not comment further as our views on love were muddying the waters for their readership.
Still, I wanted to clear up their misconceptions about what we were saying.
First, when we do loving and kind things for others, we do them because we want to do them. Perhaps, we simply want to help, or bring a touch of joy, kindness, and/or laughter to someone’s day. Perhaps we just want to show someone we think lovingly about them in some way. We do not do these things with an expectation of anything in return.
Second, we should expect that we treat each other ethically, respectfully, and with kindness. We should also set boundaries for ourselves that do not allow others to treat us poorly.
But, these are two SEPARATE things. One does not beget the other. I should do the first because I choose to do it out of love. All too often, we perform one expecting the other. Both are good, healthy and appropriate things, but expecting one to bring about the other is a fool’s errand.
Wayfarer explained that our views would muddy the waters of the purpose of their site. We understand, but must admit a bit of disappointment. We had hoped that the IHG site and forum might be more accepting of allowing us to learn new ideas, while at the same time allowing us to share our thoughts, to learn and grow from and with each other.
We were looking to find a sense of community with on-going conversations that are most conducive to a forum environment, conversations that would instigate us thinking, and instigate others thinking, about new thoughts and new ideas that may help each of us on this journey. We just cannot seem to find that, out in the world of infidelity forums, for both partners as individuals and as a couple. We seem to have just enough of a mix of things different from both types of forums to not be accepted into either for exact opposite reasons.
We enjoy mutually respectful conversations so we can build on ideas together. We would love to start that kind of conversation here, with our readers. The blog is picking-up in comments and readership. We are beginning to see more conversations and we really do appreciate that so very much. So, if you have some thoughts, ideas, questions you would like to share, explore, discuss, and/or ponder together, let’s do it.
I hope if you’ve read the blog, you can see disagreement is ok. Agreement is ok. Finding common ground together is ok. Agreeing to disagree is ok. All we ask is for mutually respectful conversation and thus far our readers have been fantastic on this front. Let’s have a place for this type of discussion that seems so lacking out in the world of infidelity forums.