MC: Why did I cheat?

I just read a post called “Adultery – Do not seek rationalisation” by MarriageRecoveryBlog. It’s well worth reading.

There can be a rational answer to the question.  But, it will be a heartbreaking, disappointing answer that says the cheater is psychologically unfit and needs to grow up.  The answer, in my case, is I cheated because I was selfish, self-centered, never satisfied, lacking compassion, lacking empathy, entitled, and nursing self-pity.  I suspect most cheaters will have similar reasons for cheating.

If they suggest, in any way, that they cheated because of something the victim did or did not do, that’s unacceptable.  Love is not transactional, love does not demand perfection from the object of desire, and above all love cares deeply about the spouse’s well-being.  If such love exists, there can be no way to respond to perceived needs by cheating, by hurting their spouse.

“Why” is a big question.  Just be prepared for a big answer:  your cheating spouse valued himself more than he valued you.  Any other answer from the cheating spouse would be a lie, victim-blaming, or manipulation.

Can that change, for the better?  Yes, it can, but only with long-term re-prioritization and practicing empathy, compassion, selflessness, and real love.

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3 thoughts on “MC: Why did I cheat?

  1. Thank you MC. I value your insight and honesty. You are right – all answers stem from the selfishness of the betrayer and all answers are unacceptable. But it doesn’t make sense to me. Following the why is the HOW? How does anyone betray their best friend? Compartmentalisation and no integrity. From the receiving end its like being married to Dr Jekyl & Mr Hyde. The rewards of adultery just don’t seem enough to justify such personal dysfunction and devastation. I think it will always appear to me to be an irrational choice. However, remorse is something I understand and you have shown both me and my H what this can look like. Love to you & TL & thanks for this post

    Liked by 1 person

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