Waiting to live

This week I’ve been feeling like I am living in limbo, specifically I feel like I am waiting to live. I think there are a variety of reasons, some related to all that has happened, and some related to just our lifestyle due to MC’s job.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, HURRY. Wait, wait, wait, wait, HURRY. This is truly what our lifestyle entails.

We will move overseas again next summer, but we do not yet know to where. So, we wait.

I finish my Masters this spring, and then will job hunt, but I don’t yet know where we will be living to even explore what might be possible for my job hunt. So, I wait.

These are normal things I know many other expats deal with too. But, then I am adding in a sense of “watching and waiting” when it comes to MC and my relationship too. Three years now and there most certainly has been progress in a positive direction. But, I cannot quite get over this feeling of watching and waiting. Waiting for what? I don’t know. For him to mess it up, maybe? I cannot quite put my finger on it fully, but I just feel like I am waiting to live. I feel like I am getting by (surviving), not so much living. I actually don’t really know how to define the difference between “surviving” and “living.” I do feel like there is one though. Really, I just know that I don’t want to wait anymore, but I don’t really know how to start either.

Perhaps getting my butt out of the house and off the damn computer, starting an exercise program and spending less time hiding out in my cave (house) would help. I’m just struggling to find the motivation to do it.

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7 thoughts on “Waiting to live

    1. Sob, I am in a book club, and am child taxi driver (ha). I know exercise is medicine for me and yet I resist. . .While I’ve made friends here, I think we have not made as close of friends this time around. I think I’m a little rootless and rudderless here, and with less than one year left just not putting in the effort to make those roots…

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      1. I can understand that. It would be doubly hard to deal with all this while living somewhere unfamiliar, not “home”. I’m not sure what, if any, advice I’d tell a friend in your spot. I guess I’d just encourage them to keep on keepin’ on, ya know? Keep working towards a goal, and take the good with the bad? And I figure they’d know exactly when enough is enough, if it ever came to that. But try and create something new and potentially better from the ashes? I don’t know.

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  1. Oh that waiting and watching your husband. I’m there. Been there for thre f**king years! I think all the other waiting that you’re experiencing would be absorbed by the knowing that this is where you’re at at the moment. But adultery and knowing whether the foundations that underpin everything else will sustain you – that’s something else. All part of the turf of recovery. Keep taking it one day at a time. Hugs xxx

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      1. TL, maybe we should talk about the “foundations that sustain” our relationship. I think I know what they are, for me. I’m not sure I totally understand what you mean. For me, I think the foundations of our relationship are: I am very attracted to you; I am proud of you, especially for your courage, strength, intelligence, and ability to achieve anything you really want enough to work hard; I am attracted to you intellectually; you keep me challenged and interested intellectually; I feel we easily understand each other intellectually, in a way other people would not; you are my family; I understand the pain you have survived and you understand mine, in a way other people would not; I love your sense of humor; and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Is that what you mean?

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        1. Not sure whether to converse about this here, if there is a benefit in doing so? Maybe? Let me just say that before d-day, I looked to you (MC) as my roots. No matter where we went in the world, you were my “home.” Upon d-day, that feeling was gone. After d-day, going “home” to be near family for that year gave me a sense of roots at a time I felt I had none. I guess I’m kind of searching, and waiting, to find the feeling of “home” again. I want to feel that with you again, just not sure quite how to get there. Now, let’s get the kids to bed, have a drink and talk about it.

          Damn, I really do need to get us separate logins on WordPress, this could get confusing!

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