“Forgiveness is the gift you give yourself.” How many times have I heard that? “Forgiveness is the Christian thing to do!” Well, then it is a damn good thing I’m not a Christian.
What will it take for me to forgive MC? Now, that is really the question on my mind and I don’t have the answer.
He seems to understand the pain he has caused, the costs of his tomfuckery to me. Still, no forgiveness.
He is with me every step of the way through this pain, even with my repeat of questions nearing the thousands, probably tens of thousands. Still, no forgiveness.
He would love my forgiveness, realizes that he has much for which to be forgiven, and doesn’t expect that it will ever happen, loving me and being there through the shit storm he created regardless. Still, no forgiveness.
I know in my head and in my heart (finally) that the past can never be better, it can never be different. Still no forgiveness.
He is working to fix his fundamental flaws, to become healthy, authentic and safe. Still, no forgiveness.
So, what now? Time? I have no answer to this question. Maybe recognizing all of the above in my head and my heart is the closest I can get. I don’t know?
Maybe it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Maybe, it is a decision, a choice every day to forgive. And, each and every day, I will have to accept for the day only, “today, I choose to forgive you.”
Maybe, I am still working on forgiving myself for allowing myself to live with fear of his ego for so long? And, until I get there, forgiving another for this shit is not realistic?
Maybe, I am just grasping at straws. Maybe forgiveness includes other things I have not yet discovered. Maybe forgiveness is all of these things. Maybe, forgiveness is none of these things. Maybe, it doesn’t really fucking matter. I don’t know. What do you think?