TL: “My own shame”

I wrote this a while ago, but have been afraid to post it, afraid of MC’s reaction. Though, I really did not understand or recognize it as the basis of my fear. I think our recent discussion about Train Wreck brought it to the forefront. After seeing MC’s latest post, I shared this with him. He said it is the same thing we’ve talked about a few times before, but seeing it in writing is a bit of a trigger. I admitted hearing him say that scared me to death. We talked.

He talked to me as his friend, not in the obsessive, pouty, angry and/or distant manner of the past, but truly as a friend. It brought us closer instead of pushing us away from each other in fear. He also encouraged me to not be afraid, to share these thoughts. So here it goes.

A few sessions ago I spoke with B about the movie too. I’m sure it is hard to understand why this is such a big deal to MC and to me. It was the crux of his self-pity. B wanted to talk to me about my pre-marital sexual experiences, how I felt about them, how I was impacted by MC’s obsessive nature about my past and his own.

Though I had some regret and sadness over some of my pre-MC past, I didn’t really have any overwhelming shame about it. I realized that my shame over my past experiences really started and grew with each day I was with MC, after he began to get down on me over my past before him. I had sexual relations with one partner more than MC had been with pre marriage. MC had been sexually active for much longer than me, had sexual experiences that I had never had and certainly had more experience with sex in general. But, I did have more “hook-ups” than MC during our college years (after my dad died, I went from being a virgin to having about an 18-month time-span of. . .let me just call it what it was. . .promiscuity). Luckily I ended that time of my life physically unscathed. I ended that time of my life knowing that it was not who I wanted to be and knowing it was not how I wanted to live my life.

I was always upfront with MC about this. I really thought he was my friend and understood that it came from an unhealthy, self-medicating kind of place, something I regretted, something I had faced and worked through. I wanted him to know because I wanted an honest relationship, no secrets between us. After we married, I was confronted with MC’s obsessive insecurities over my past and his own. It was then that I started to beat myself up over the past, perhaps in some way I hoped it would appease MC.

The reality is finally again I don’t feel shame over my past. Yes, it was based on some immature choices that ultimately were not healthy for me, and I am glad I learned the lessons I needed to learn as a young person, on that front anyway. But, it was never a betrayal of MC, he wasn’t even in my life during that time. I feel good now being able to look back at that time and not be consumed in shame over it. Now I just need to get over my fear of his self-pity. The talk the other night was reassuring, but admittedly the fear still exists within me.

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3 thoughts on “TL: “My own shame”

  1. Just keep talking, honestly, with each other. It’s amazing how beneficial it is. And as far your “past”, we all have one and if you were honest with him about it I see no reason for you to be ashamed. Keep talking to each other. It’s the best thing you can do as a couple, in my opinion. I know it’s done wonders for my marriage.

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    1. Sometimes I wonder if I had known that he would react in this way, if I would have been so upfront. But, I believed in honesty, I believed he was my friend, I believed he cared for me, I believed it was safe to share all of me with him. Boy, did I find out differently once we married.

      You know, one of the hardest things about all of this was and is learning to forgive myself for allowing myself to be shamed, for allowing myself to live in fear of MC’s ego, and for allowing myself to hide even my strengths from the world because of that fear. I am learning to forgive myself.

      And, I am also learning to understand that he didn’t just compare himself to me, but to those around him too. I am learning to understand that no matter what my past, these sick obsessions of his existed and his horrible choices to deal with those obsessions were his and his alone.

      I do still have fear of his sick obsessions, of his self-pity. I don’t want to and as we talk more and more they do feel less threatening. But, I would be lying if I said the fear was gone. As our latest posts have shown me, apparently a bit of the fear still resides within me. Not fear to be me anymore, just still a fear of how he will deal with his self-pity when it rears its ugly head.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I understand, that fear of him doing it again, the fear of him hurting you again. But you can’t control him or his thoughts. All you can do is talk, be honest, tell him your fears, and ask him to comfort them. I read his last post too. He’s insightful, it appears, about all of his demons. He mentioned you and the trigger. He’s aware of it. Just keep talking to each other. Things seem to be less scary in the light of day that is honesty.

        Liked by 1 person

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