I wrote this a while ago, but have been afraid to post it, afraid of MC’s reaction. Though, I really did not understand or recognize it as the basis of my fear. I think our recent discussion about Train Wreck brought it to the forefront. After seeing MC’s latest post, I shared this with him. He said it is the same thing we’ve talked about a few times before, but seeing it in writing is a bit of a trigger. I admitted hearing him say that scared me to death. We talked.
He talked to me as his friend, not in the obsessive, pouty, angry and/or distant manner of the past, but truly as a friend. It brought us closer instead of pushing us away from each other in fear. He also encouraged me to not be afraid, to share these thoughts. So here it goes.
A few sessions ago I spoke with B about the movie too. I’m sure it is hard to understand why this is such a big deal to MC and to me. It was the crux of his self-pity. B wanted to talk to me about my pre-marital sexual experiences, how I felt about them, how I was impacted by MC’s obsessive nature about my past and his own.
Though I had some regret and sadness over some of my pre-MC past, I didn’t really have any overwhelming shame about it. I realized that my shame over my past experiences really started and grew with each day I was with MC, after he began to get down on me over my past before him. I had sexual relations with one partner more than MC had been with pre marriage. MC had been sexually active for much longer than me, had sexual experiences that I had never had and certainly had more experience with sex in general. But, I did have more “hook-ups” than MC during our college years (after my dad died, I went from being a virgin to having about an 18-month time-span of. . .let me just call it what it was. . .promiscuity). Luckily I ended that time of my life physically unscathed. I ended that time of my life knowing that it was not who I wanted to be and knowing it was not how I wanted to live my life.
I was always upfront with MC about this. I really thought he was my friend and understood that it came from an unhealthy, self-medicating kind of place, something I regretted, something I had faced and worked through. I wanted him to know because I wanted an honest relationship, no secrets between us. After we married, I was confronted with MC’s obsessive insecurities over my past and his own. It was then that I started to beat myself up over the past, perhaps in some way I hoped it would appease MC.
The reality is finally again I don’t feel shame over my past. Yes, it was based on some immature choices that ultimately were not healthy for me, and I am glad I learned the lessons I needed to learn as a young person, on that front anyway. But, it was never a betrayal of MC, he wasn’t even in my life during that time. I feel good now being able to look back at that time and not be consumed in shame over it. Now I just need to get over my fear of his self-pity. The talk the other night was reassuring, but admittedly the fear still exists within me.