Sometimes I think this damn computer is my own escape, except it seems that it too often turns into pain shopping. I am wondering if part of what gave me some peace while we were on vacation is that I spent far less time on screen time and far more time just doing enjoyable endeavors with MC. Far, far more than I do when MC is at work and we are back in our day-to-day routine.
I started back to school yesterday, so now the majority of my screen time is for a productive endeavor (mostly anyway. . .). It so helps my mind and spirit to feel as if I am accomplishing something. I too often lately find the dole drums of day-to-day life so lacking. I think I’ve entered my own kind of midlife crisis and long for something, I just don’t exactly know what.
My father died when he was 46 years old and my mother when she was 65, though in many ways she left us in mind and spirit many many years before. I am 45 now and I cannot help but think about the finality of life, of how I too could be dead at 46 years old from some fast acting cancer that hits from out-of-the-blue. We just never know.
I look at all the sacrifices I made for MC’s ambition, career, for his dreams and ask myself, “What in the hell do I have to show for it?” While he risked it all to play his sick games of ego boosting tom-fuckery, I was at home raising our children, running our household, and moving all over hell and back for his dreams. What do I have to show for it? Well, for one thing, I have our two beautiful children. And, believe me, I understand how lucky and fortunate I am to have these beautiful children as a part of my life.
But, who am I besides a mom and a foolish, naive wife? Who am I? Who am I? And, so the discovery of MC’s tom-fuckery sent me into a tail spin, my own midlife crisis. I want to live, I want to have new, exciting experiences. I also want to send my kids to college, buy a house back in our home state and have enough to do more than survive in my, hopefully our, future. Still, I want a little something just for me.
Maybe this Masters degree will help me feel more like an individual who can have her own dreams and desires. But, it certainly isn’t wildly fun and exciting. Do I ever get a turn? I don’t mean cheating, by the way. But, something just for me. I don’t know. I really don’t know. Maybe, this is just my own form of self-pity that does nothing positive or helpful?
It is funny, maybe related, maybe not, but I cannot help think of this recent conversation with our first child (FC). When FC was at camp, there was a workgroup discussion on determinism that found meaningful and worth sharing with me. FC explained , “If any of us were able to go back in time, without any learning or knowledge of what was to come, we would all still make the exact same decisions.” I was taken aback by this thinking. I thought, “Nah, that just cannot be true.” But, then I realized, why wouldn’t it be, if we had no new information or perspective, why would we make a different decision. We wouldn’t. I always wonder about how “knowing everything I know now, would I make different choices?” And, ultimately anything that would have prevented me from having these very special individuals in my life, my beautiful children, no, no way in hell would I do anything to jeopardize the possibility of their existence. But, I never even thought about looking at those choices from the perspective of going back, but not knowing anything new. It is a good point. It really did stop me in my tracks for a moment.