I am at a loss for what to write right now. I must admit that I still have some awful days. I am starting to wonder if there is a cyclical pattern. There seems to be about a week each 4 – 5 weeks that my emotions are so intense that I feel completely out-of-control, where the pain is so intense that I cannot handle it and just want to find a way to escape from it all, everything, everyone, and life overall. I had a partial hysterectomy in 2011 and so cannot really tell when my cycles occur, but even before d-day and the hysterectomy I do know that I was more emotional at very specific times. I know that exercise does help reduce the severity of the emotions, but at the same time lack of motivation really takes hold during these emotional downturns. My house becomes a cave and I hide, getting out of bed, getting anything done becomes like carrying the heaviest weight on my shoulders. All I can think is my children, my poor children, what I am doing, I need to be a better Mom, what the hell is going on with me. But, I do come out of it and function more than not.
Here is an example of how whacked out I get. I asked Mindless to help me keep track to see if this is cyclical. So, I saw his recent list of dates and had to work so very very hard to not go ballistic on his ass about the list. The list I asked him to keep. I was about to say what about a list of my good days? What, to you, determines that it was a fucking bad day? So, if I have a a down moment does this make the whole damn day a loss to you? I asked him to keep this fucking list. I stopped myself this time. But, cannot help but wonder, what the fuck is wrong with me right now? I know I haven’t seen B for quite a while with our long summer break, kids home, yada, yada, yada. I must get back to seeing B, she helps me more than I realized. I miss our vacation together, I miss being back “home” with our family. I need to find a way to help myself through this and get my shit together.