TL: “A cyclical pattern.”

I am at a loss for what to write right now. I must admit that I still have some awful days. I am starting to wonder if there is a cyclical pattern. There seems to be about a week each 4 Р5 weeks that my emotions are so intense that I feel completely out-of-control, where the pain is so intense that I cannot handle it and just want to find a way to escape from it all, everything, everyone, and life overall. I had a partial hysterectomy in 2011 and so cannot really tell when my cycles occur, but even before d-day and the hysterectomy I do know that I was more emotional at very specific times. I know that exercise does help reduce the severity of the emotions, but at the same time lack of motivation really takes hold during these emotional downturns. My house becomes a cave and I hide, getting out of bed, getting anything done becomes like carrying the heaviest weight on my shoulders. All I can think is my children, my poor children, what I am doing, I need to be a better Mom, what the hell is going on with me. But, I do come out of it and function more than not.

Here is an example of how whacked out I get. I asked Mindless to help me keep track to see if this is cyclical. So, I saw his recent list of dates and had to work so very very hard to not go ballistic on his ass about the list. The list I asked him to keep. I was about to say what about a list of my good days? What, to you, determines that it was a fucking bad day? So, if I have a a down moment does this make the whole damn day a loss to you? I asked him to keep this fucking list. I stopped myself this time. But, cannot help but wonder, what the fuck is wrong with me right now? I know I haven’t seen B for quite a while with our long summer break, kids home, yada, yada, yada. I must get back to seeing B, she helps me more than I realized. I miss our vacation together, I miss being back “home” with our family. I need to find a way to help myself through this and get my shit together.

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2 thoughts on “TL: “A cyclical pattern.”

  1. It is most definitely a cycle. I have feel the same way. We are almost to 9 months post d-day for my husband’s affair and I can go generally 3-4 weeks feeling like I’m finally moving to acceptance, only to have my efforts thwarted by a string of bad days…the process is the same as grieving – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance – and you’ll find you don’t just move from one to the next…there’s a yo-yo affect….I bounce between acceptance, anger, and depression (not clinical depression, just a general sadness about the loss of the marriage I thought I had). One small thing – like me asking for a hug and being rejected – can throw me into the anger or depression stage….it really sucks. I’m told it won’t last forever, though!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Definitely the grieving cycle applies. I also suspect a hormonal cycle is at play. I’ve been through the grieving cycle, flirting with acceptance for quite some time. Unfortunately, and based on timing, I do suspect it is related to the cycle of hormones. It seems the anger phase is reignited not just in full force, but to such a point the pain overwhelms my ability to function. It is such a stark change when it happens and it would seem rather cyclical in its timing. I don’t know, maybe I just need to have the angry bitch phase now and again.

      Liked by 1 person

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