July is the month that the shit really started to hit the fan. This was the month when I sensed something was very wrong and when I figured out about MC’s last affair. It is also the month of our beautiful children’s birthdays. I hate that the joy of their celebrations is marred by finally turning my ignorance to angst. One day, I hope to reclaim July as a month of celebration. For now, I am not yet there.
Hard moments about July include:
On our oldest child’s birthday, as previously discussed, MC was at a spa resort with AP3 and missed calling our child.
July 8th always reminds me of this e-mail exchange with AP3. This was sent upon MC telling her he was leaving town for sure (as if there was a decision to be made), flying to see me and our children. This was on our youngest child’s birthday. This was also just before MC knew that AP3 had found a way to buy a plane ticket back to the US on his same flights (only the final leg being different):
Subject: I have to fly tomorrow morning
It’s only fair to let you know this now.
Can we still see each other tonight? Maybe after 8pm?
Subject: Re: I have to fly tomorrow morning
Ok, if that is your decision.
Just remember July 8th, our Song and the Corinthians.
Subject: RE: I have to fly tomorrow morning
I will always remember you and always feel the same way about you.
These messages make me feel sick inside for so many reasons.
No matter how many spa resorts MC has arranged to take me to since D-day, the fact that he stole away to do so with her at all, let alone first (even though we had been married 18.5 years at the time) will always hurt me so deeply.
I found out about this affair on his first full day in town back with us, it was the day of our youngest child’s birthday party.
I hate that the month of July is now marred by such horrific memories and feelings. I do want to reclaim July, but I am not quite sure how to get there. MC offers to be home with me, not go into work on each specific day, but that doesn’t change anything and I’d rather have those vacation days for real vacations.
I am letting go of imagining what it would be like to change the past, since my head and heart have mostly caught up to each other in this regard. I know the past can never be different. I know it in my head and I know it in my heart. That doesn’t make the pain fully go away though.