July: ignorance to angst to, hopefully one day, reclamation.

July is the month that the shit really started to hit the fan. This was the month when I sensed something was very wrong and when I figured out about MC’s last affair. It is also the month of our beautiful children’s birthdays. I hate that the joy of their celebrations is marred by finally turning my ignorance to angst. One day, I hope to reclaim July as a month of celebration. For now, I am not yet there.

Hard moments about July include:

On our oldest child’s birthday, as previously discussed, MC was at a spa resort with AP3 and missed calling our child.

July 8th always reminds me of this e-mail exchange with AP3. This was sent upon MC telling her he was leaving town for sure (as if there was a decision to be made), flying to see me and our children. This was on our youngest child’s birthday. This was also just before MC knew that AP3 had found a way to buy a plane ticket back to the US on his same flights (only the final leg being different):

From: MC
To: AP3
Subject: I have to fly tomorrow morning

It’s only fair to let you know this now.

Can we still see each other tonight?  Maybe after 8pm?

MC

From: AP3
To:MC
Subject: Re: I have to fly tomorrow morning

Ok, if that is your decision.

Just remember July 8th, our Song and the Corinthians.

AP3

From: MC
To: AP3
Subject: RE: I have to fly tomorrow morning

I will always remember you and always feel the same way about you.

MC

These messages make me feel sick inside for so many reasons.

No matter how many spa resorts MC has arranged to take me to since D-day, the fact that he stole away to do so with her at all, let alone first (even though we had been married 18.5 years at the time) will always hurt me so deeply.

I found out about this affair on his first full day in town back with us, it was the day of our youngest child’s birthday party.

I hate that the month of July is now marred by such horrific memories and feelings. I do want to reclaim July, but I am not quite sure how to get there. MC offers to be home with me, not go into work on each specific day, but that doesn’t change anything and I’d rather have those vacation days for real vacations.

I am letting go of imagining what it would be like to change the past, since my head and heart have mostly caught up to each other in this regard. I know the past can never be different. I know it in my head and I know it in my heart. That doesn’t make the pain fully go away though.

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5 thoughts on “July: ignorance to angst to, hopefully one day, reclamation.

  1. I can’t add much to the discussion of painful July memories. I think some of my first posts in this blog told that story from my vantage point. But, I do feel compelled to share how I feel when reading this post from TL.

    It made me feel sick. It brought tears to my eyes and knots to my stomach. I can’t believe I missed and ruined my kids’ birthdays on account of that awful affair. I can’t believe I had let myself stray so far from TL. I can’t believe I was so selfish and self-centered. But, I know it’s all true.

    I’m so sorry. Those words look tiny, as I re-read them, compared to the feeling of remorse I’m trying to describe. There may be no words in our language to describe the depth of shame and regret I feel.

    I hate what I did. And, I’m so lucky to have a chance to learn and grow from it, with TL. I just about destroyed everything that was worth anything to me.

    Shortly after I wrote the foregoing reaction to TL’s post about our troubled July 2012, we talked about how she felt on D-day. I said I imagined that she felt angry at the betrayal and assault on her dignity that I caused through my lies and cheating, hurt by the unfairness, robbed of the precious relationship and memories she thought she had, afraid of what else she might not know about the past and about what might happen in the future, and shocked by the revelation that someone she thought cared for her had acted so cruelly against her.

    TL put words to the feeling I couldn’t describe. She used an analogy. There is one sexual act that TL finds difficult to engage in. So imagine, she said, that I had found out she freely initiated and participated in that act with another man during our marriage. Imagine, she expounded, I discovered that she freely gave to others this one thing I really wanted with her that she always appeared unable to do with me. That’s how she felt, TL said, about the realization that I had planned a spa weekend with AP3. TL had settled with the idea that I simply had no interest in such things and therefore never planned them for or with her. So, she was dismayed and heartbroken to learn that I was capable of planning such things for another woman.

    TL’s analogy hit the nail on the head exactly. She felt I took something fun, free, loving, and precious that was rightfully hers, I held it out of her reach, and I ultimately and irreversibly gave it to someone else. Was it irreversible? It seems it was. Since D-day, I’ve taken TL on at least four spa trips, each more lavish, loving, and beautiful than anything I did with AP3. But, they will never overcome the fact that I did it with AP3 first. I know. I don’t know what to do about it. It’s deeply sad. And, I caused it.

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    1. Mc,

      I don’t know if I can help TL by saying these as I am a child of my father who cheated on my mother although it is almost 29 years of his death anniversary which will be in a week later but I feel he deserved death *no obligation to say that and in fact I am waiting for a day to smash his urn of ashes once my faithful mother who never remarry passes on*

      MC, I don’t think TL can recover fully as she has been helping you all along before DD. simply put, you have taken her for granted. And yes I do agree that she felt hurt that you put thoughts and efforts in planning sex trip with AP3.

      My suggestion is that you should plan entire family trip to an entirely new place perhaps Lapland on your own and let TL and your almost-neglected children reclaim ownership.

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      1. Thanks for empathizing with our situation. We are working on reclaiming July, with new memories. It’s not easy, but I see some glimmers of hope. What, if anything, did your father do to express remorse and attempt to reconcile?

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  2. We didn’t know about his affair until his death. According to my mother, the affair would be a short one less than a year. How would you react when a woman turned up at the funeral and asked for partial share of funeral donations?

    My mother was very stoic and she only broke down at home after the funeral was over.

    To date, she never remarry and without fail, she turned up at his grave and clean his urn twice a year. She even told me that if she passed away, she wished to be placed next to him. I think I won’t entertain her request.

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    1. Betty, I am so sorry about the trauma both you and your Mom have experienced from this discovery. I understand your despair and I can imagine it is even harder to find a pathway toward peace with this all given your father is not alive to answer for his betrayal, to make amends, to heal what was broken within him and to help you and your mother heal.

      Have you and/or your mom done any counseling together or individually? It must be very difficult to see your mom not really move forward with her life. It sounds like she has not really allowed herself to feel the pain, face the pain and eventually work toward healing the pain. I know you cannot force her to do so, but I am sure it is painful to see her stagnate. How are you doing on this all?

      When the time comes and you have to make that decision about honoring her request or not, all I can think of is that part of making these arrangements for our loved one is to help give us a sense of peace and closure. Whatever will do that for you, her loving spirit, no longer encumbered by the pain of the world, would understand and want that for you. I hope she and you can find a path toward peace and healing before that time comes. TL xx

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