You just read about how I failed to act quickly on the vasectomy. I’ve written a post about a similar failure regarding individual counseling. I’m grateful to be in individual counseling now, but I took too long to get there. You’ll see that post soon. But first, I want to say something about remorse, remorse for my years of cheating, lying, and hurting TL.
First, I’m far from perfect, as a man and as a husband. But, I’m working so hard to learn from each of my mistakes, to deepen my empathy and emotional maturity, and to be a better person and a better husband for TL. Yes, even in my attempts to make things better after D-day, I’ve had failures. There were times I hesitated.
I’m doing the homework. I studied hard, for months, for my religious conversion. I found our first two counselors and the attorney. I booked my own polygraph exams. I studied hard with Rick Reynolds. Every single day I work on my personality flaws and on our relationship. I’ve worked harder on this than on anything else in my life. I do things lovingly, willingly, and for the right reasons.
I hesitated on the vasectomy and individual counseling due to my own fear, confusion, and ineptitude. I failed by waiting for reminders from TL before jumping right on those things. I did do those things of my own free will and was happy to do them, but I hesitated.
I failed to identify an individual counseling path for myself in a timely manner. But, since starting, I book and consistently attend the individual counseling sessions. I haven’t missed one. Nor have I wasted a moment in a session. I am on-task, deeply honest, deeply vulnerable, and both emotional and analytical — to the best of my abilities — in each session with B. And, when we move again, you bet I’ll get a new individual counselor, right away.
My heart is in the right place, my work is arduous and sincere, and I can’t even begin to describe how sorry I am for my years of crimes against TL, but I did hesitate on the individual counseling and the vasectomy.
Ultimately, I did those things and I’m happier that I did. As evil as I was before D-day, my intentions toward TL, reconciliation, and improving my own mental health are pure. I know my emotional development is far from finished. As much as I know that I am truly remorseful, TL needs me to not hesitate to know it too.