TL: “Was I just fooling myself?”

When we arrived in our new local, we found our new home to be quite decent with a lot of land for our dog and kids. I was happy with our home, our neighborhood and the schools. That was a good start. As MC started his new position, the kids, dog and I settled into home life. After unpacking, I found myself sad, just sad. I missed my family terribly. I had no idea how much I missed them until I had been back living near them with the kids for an entire year. I missed our friends, old and new. I missed my hometown too. I was losing the capacity and desire to make new friends.

Most of the classes I needed were dependent upon a prerequisite only offered during the summer term. I could not take that class with our previous two summer moves. There was only one class that did not need the prerequisite and so I took that class in the fall term. Upon completion, I joined a book club and met some nice women, but nobody clicked in the same way as they did so quickly in our previous two homes. I was feeling rootless and rudderless. I became lonely and frozen.

We needed to find a new counselor. Our insurance was exceptionally limiting in providers in our new area. I expected MC to take the lead on this. He tried, but the provider ended up no longer accepting our insurance. It fell to the wayside. Desperate for help, I found us a new counselor. The area in which we now lived was not very cosmopolitan and qualified available providers on our plan were exceptionally limited, there was one left on our plan, only one!

We talked with our new Counselor about individual counseling as well as marriage counseling. We asked if she could do both. She was willing, with the proviso that it was possible that we would need to find another counselor to help MC if any conflict in doing it this way appeared. At first, it was me going alone, then the both of us together.

I was getting anxious for MC to attend some individual counseling. I had given so much leeway on this at first because while overseas we had one American trained, english speaking local counselor available to us and we always saw her together. His year away, there were no local counselors available to him. He would join Phil and I on Skype when the timing worked out. And, he spent the year working on his religious studies. Otherwise, I spoke with Phil alone. I wanted our new home to be more comprehensive in our treatment with each of us receiving individual treatment as well as marriage counseling. MC stated he was on board with this idea, in fact that he agreed it was the best course forward.  It took him longer than I expected to start his individual counseling.

In addition, he had promised he would get a vasectomy upon returning home to the US, something that was definitely best done in the US as opposed to previous less developed overseas locations. I did recognize that the overseas component of our lives had added difficulties to acting on this promise. After a few months, however, in our new location in the US, I was getting eager to see that his actions would indeed match his words without me instigating, arranging or directing for that to occur.

Before d-day he lived by three mantras:

1) Pretend to listen, ignore it and it will likely be forgotten about,
2) If necessary to act, put forth the least amount of time, thought and energy just to “check the box.”
3) It’s always better to ask for forgiveness than permission.

Part of his healing, in my mind, involved him NEVER living according to these mantras again. And, so, when I worry, suspect or see evidence that these are still tendencies by which he lives or toward which he is inclined naturally, it is a HUGE trigger for me and I begin to question everything.

Since arriving at our new local, I had stopped exercising. I just could not get the motivation to start that back up again. With missing family, friends and home terribly, with the smoking lie, and with him not immediately acting upon getting IC and a vasectomy when finally possible to do so, I found myself spiraling down into depression and worrying more than I had the entire year he was away. Was I just fooling myself?

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