TL: “I was a walking zombie.”

Everything from those first couple of months for me was a blur. I was a walking zombie. Mindless stepped in and stepped up. I remember not sleeping well, if at all. I remember Counselor Troi telling me I was suffering from symptoms of PTSD and wanting me on antidepressants and sleeping pills. I refused. I was unable to focus and was distracted, half-present in my life. I had several near misses while driving. I tried to keep up my PTO work, but it was suffering.  I threw myself into exercise. I just let Mindless lead the way at home.

Mindless was calling me, e-mailing me and texting me constantly. I would answer with one word replies, if I answered at all. The loving, kind, supportive wife of before was dead, well she was a walking-zombie. When he was home, he was by my side, never turning away in frustration like he had before final d-day. He came up with ideas for safety measures. I wasn’t going to do it, if he wanted to show me he was serious about us, he was going to have to take the damn lead to do it. He decided he would call me from his office phone before leaving, so it would show-up on my caller id and I would know that he came straight home. He stopped carrying more than $10 cash at a time. He turned down work-related travel unless I could go with him. He planned family nights for us with our kids input, he planned date nights and vacations. Beyond calling in sick after ultimate d-day, about a month later, he surprised me by calling in sick just to spend the day with me. He skipped workouts sometimes to just hold me in the morning. He started spending more quality time with me and with our kids. He would meet me for lunch at least once/week. He continued coming home in time for dinner every night, something he had instituted after first d-day. He decided that we needed to count our blessings each night at dinner. Mine was always about the kids for quite some time. He started complimenting and recognizing me and our kids, listening and really talking with each of us, sharing stories of “us” with others, showing he was proud to be with me and a part of our family. He started showing small, subtle displays of affection toward me, including in front of others. It wasn’t sexual or objectified, but subtle, loving and caring. So many things, but those are the ones that pop into my head as I write this here. He took the initiative on all of these things, I did not have to ask.

I knew in my heart that I finally had the important details, the who and the when and he was really working on his whys. But, I didn’t trust my heart, nor myself anymore. Regardless, that wasn’t enough. I wanted every moment of my life, his life, our life recreated in full view. Most of our alone time was spent with me asking for all the details, every one of them, every painful, hurtful thing out there, I wanted them all exposed. I did not want anyone knowing something about my marriage, about my life that I did not know myself. We would talk for hours every night. He wanted me to wake him if I couldn’t sleep. But, that was most of time and I didn’t see the point of having him up all night too. And, in fact, I sometimes just wanted to be alone in my thoughts. Sometimes though, if I had a nagging thought that I just couldn’t get out of my head, I would wake him. He would answer my question and hold me. This went on for a very very very long time.

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4 thoughts on “TL: “I was a walking zombie.”

    1. NH, thank you for your comment. I hope this post was helpful.

      We betrayed spouses are in trauma and it is a rough road to move forward. Having the person who caused the trauma be there to help you through seems like a paradox, doesn’t it? I want and need to be a happy and healthy person for myself and for our children. The question becomes would I be happier and healthier healing without him there or with him? His actions certainly help me to answer that question, but do not completely determine that answer. xx

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      1. Yeah it’s so true I tell M you are the meanest person to me I have ever met in my life well so far! Why are you here? What do you want?
        But the answers are the same and it’s difficult dealing with multiple DDays because I definitely understand the questioning everything? Just because M’s actions are over the top sweet now what does that mean am I supposed to take this at face value? And why can’t I? Why shouldn’t I? Am I just being a bitch?

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  1. Being able to take things at face value is not easy for a very long time. I edge closer to that as I edge closer to trusting my own instincts and my ability to be ok no matter what happens going forward.

    What has your husband done or is he doing to show that he puts your needs, your safety, your healing above his ego and, more importantly, his self-protection? Has he done anything to help you know that if you decide to divorce, you will be ok, the kids will be ok, even though it means he would lose you?

    Mindless kept saying he wants for me to happy and healthy, even if I leave him. He will do anything to give me that. I was such a bitch, clearly with good reason. I would reply “words, words, words. . .it’s all just very pretty words.” The post-nup was his way of showing me that his words were real, and matched his actions. So, hell no, I wasn’t taking his words at face-value. But seeing the actions backing up the words. . .well, it is much easier to take actions at face value. KWIM?

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