If you read our story, I think you may understand why for many years I thought our sexual relationship was repressive, actually oppressive. So, I won’t go into those details again here. Suffice it to say that MC dealing with his sick obsessions about my sexual history, about his sexual history and about his misogynistic and hypocritical attitudes about women in general, has been a very healing thing for our relationship. Still, that doesn’t take away years of conditioning on my part.
As I am working through all that and, hopefully, freeing myself from those fears, I am sharing my fantasies with MC and he has been so supportive, in a way that did not exist before d-day. My problem is that when I get to the fantasy being acted out in reality, I just cannot do it and I’m not sure why. Is it that I know the reality of it will be uncomfortable, messy, unhygienic, whatever word you can come up with to describe the less enticing parts that are part of reality, that somehow don’t play or exist within the fantasies? Is it because I know some of these acts were done with the housekeeper and prostitutes and I am afraid I will feel like I am just filling that role? I really am not sure. All I know is that when I come to put my fantasy into reality with MC, I get cold feet.
He has shared a few fantasies with me as well. He doesn’t pressure me in any way. I am so glad to finally hear his fantasies, as he used to refuse to share those with me, acting as if he didn’t have them and it was wrong for me to have them. So, we’ve come a long way together. We share everything now. I know if I want to try, we can, and if I need to stop, we will. But, damn, I find I need to stop before I’ve even really started down the fantasy path.
After D-day, we experienced a growth in our intimate life and in our emotional life, and came to find out just how much they actually support each other and intertwine. This included an increase in sex. Many will tell us this “hysterical bonding” is nothing more than the betrayed marking their territory. I never saw it that way. All I know is that I had been starved for intimacy for a very long time. I was starved for a mutual sexual relationship with a partner who was confident, assertive, loving and intimate. When Mindless finally brought that to the table, I binged. And, our sex life has been so much more fulfilling than ever before. I would like to take it to the next level, to include those fantasies in our sexual life together. I am just not sure how to get there. All I know is that I do want to get there. I am not saying that every time has to be a fantasy, just now and then I would like to get over myself enough to enjoy this kind of thing with MC. How do you do it? It is like this burning desire within me, and yet this other part of me that says, “I can’t do that!” Do you know what I mean?