MC: “Not attractive, just available”

TL and our child had to be away for about three months for reasons beyond our control.  A few weeks into that period I began an affair with our housekeeper.  Let’s call her AP2.  Why did I do it?  I think it was just because I could.  I thought there would be no consequences.  The woman was not attractive.  She was simply available.

She started staying later and making me dinner, I did not ask her to do this. She would sit, stare and smile at me as I ate. One night she complained of shoulder pain.  When she repeated it the next night, I took advantage of the opening.  I offered to massage her shoulder.  It led immediately to sex.  Unlike AP1, AP2 was also married.  Claiming “safety” issues to TL, AP2 began staying the night several nights a week.  On two or three occasions when she was staying with her husband, I found prostitutes instead.

When TL and our child returned, I tried to pretend nothing had happened.  TL and I resumed what I considered our happy life together.  We conceived our second child.  On the exterior, everything was quite good between TL and I.

My dark, double life continued.  AP2 would babysit when TL and I went out. I would drive her home and pull-over en route for sex or oral sex.  There were a few nights when AP2 said she would just sleep on our couch, saying it was too late to drive her home.  While TL slept, I would sneak into the living room, get a quick orgasm from the maid, and then sneak back into bed with my wife.

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21 thoughts on “MC: “Not attractive, just available”

    1. It is screwed-up. When I think about it, it was really a bit like autism (not in the clinical sense, but the literary sense), being so consumed by myself and my perceived needs that I didn’t have real relationships. I’m working on growing beyond that. It’s a long-term effort. Thanks for commenting. It helps to hear how others see our situation.

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  1. Wow.. reminds me of what my husband did. He would leave our bed in the morning and go straight to my what I thought best friends house.

    So icky..
    You write with such strength and honor. My husband tells me these things about himself that he doesn’t ever want to go back there and I can’t keep him there.

    I find it amazing TL’s strength and words as well.

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    1. Thank you! It is so icky, and with someone you know and trust just adds more layers to the pain. I totally get that. Though there are so many terrible things that happened, most of my nightmares centered on her.

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      1. I often like to think about, what if things were the other way round. I’ve seen and chatted with ex-girlfriends/lovers while I’ve been with my current partner. I’ve been open about it and nothing has happened, and I don’t want it to. During one of my confessions about the ridiculous thoughts I have, she asked how I would have gone if she’d been catching up with ex’s. I openly admitted I’d be a basket case. But I don’t want her to feel the need to hide innocent things from me either, I don’t want to be that guy.

        So reading through some of your story, I’m taken to wonder how MC would cope if things were reversed. Or if there was even a tiny trangression on your part. Maybe it doesn’t bear thinking about…

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        1. Yes, Steve, I’ve had exactly the same experience you describe: hypocritically being freaked out by even the thought of her thinking of a former lover, while simultaneously being selfishly self-indulgent with other women myself. I don’t want to be a hypocrite, but I clearly was one. Perhaps reminding myself of that frequently is helpful.

          You know, I worried not only about her talking to a former lover, but also — perhaps even more so — thinking about her time with former lovers. I was afraid of her hypothetical memories, thoughts, and desires. I was afraid some part of her — even a tiny subconscious part — fondly recalled better sex, bigger penises, better orgasms, and better looking men.

          I am a relatively small and clumsy guy. I think I just need to fully accept that and to always remember that there is much more to relationships and to life than just the physical aspects of sex and physical attractiveness.

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          1. You know Steve, I have been a faithful and devoted wife since day one. Since finding out all MC has done, I have told him that I promise him 100% upfront honesty, but I will no longer promise him 100% fidelity.

            The fact is, Steve, that all of his worries about the better physical aspects of sex and attractiveness have always seemed a bit like the self-image issues of a woman with anorexia to me. Her image of being overweight is more in her mind than in reality. She always sees herself as overweight, even when she is putting her life in jeopardy because she is far too underweight.

            Yes, MC is short. I am shorter. He is built like a runner. He is exceptionally fit and exceptionally attractive. But, like the anorexic, he will never see himself that way. What he lacked in our sexual relationship is not anything physical at all, what he always lacked was a simple quite confidence that allows for a free and loving sexual relationship.

            The free and loving sexual relationship is the one thing I longed for throughout our marriage that he denied to me and to himself. I’ve now been so conditioned to believe that his self-doubt is first and foremost in his mind that it puts a wall between our intimacy even still. I long for a loving and free sexual relationship.

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                1. And, here is something I wonder. Sometimes when MC talks about “self-doubt,” I wonder if it isn’t so much the anorexic with distorted self-image as much as it is a covert narcissist using false humility to elicit compliments/ego-stroking. And, then, I find myself asking, “how do I tell the difference between false-humility versus self-doubt from a distorted self-image? and “what is the healthiest way to respond to these ‘self-doubts’ in either case?”

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                    1. I cannot help but wonder how much of a safe partner you can be as long as this “self-doubt,” whether based on a distorted self-image or false humility, is still a prevalent part of your thoughts.

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                    2. Much, if not all, of the self-doubt I’m discussing with Steve here is in the past, not the present. I really have been working hard on acceptance, perspective, priorities, gratitude, and being a friend as opposed to just wanting things.

                      I know you’re worried. I’m trying to eliminate the self-doubt, and to remove the source of your worries. I think I’m succeeding.

                      Nonetheless, I am deeply grateful for the chance to discuss this with another man who has had similar thoughts.

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                    3. I think it is wonderful that you and Steve can discuss this issue and, perhaps, even help each other. I’m just noticing that you still do discuss your physical self-image always in the negative. The fact that you have come to accept your negative distorted self-image is in no way reassuring. The fact that this self-image is so woefully distorted is what leads me to wonder if, in fact, it is simply false humility aimed at eliciting ego-stroking compliments and reassurances. Either way, I do feel it important for those dealing with this issue to not accept their distorted thinking as reality, whether it is thoughts about a loved one’s past or thoughts about your own physical condition, attractiveness, etc.

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