“God gave me a treasure.”

I just read a couple of my wife’s recent posts, “The Jungle Nightmare” and “Tell Me Five More Things.”  I began with the latter.  Reading her description of how she discovered my affair with the housekeeper and how I ultimately told her about all my other adultery that night caused my heart to sink.  As I read, I felt I was reliving that moment, that horrible night.  My chest tightened, my eyes teared up, and I felt ashamed. I felt fear, sadness, and guilt.  I felt like hiding.

Then I read TL’s memories of how she walked around our kids’ school in a near suicidal daze.  I remember seeing her that day.  It was as if it were yesterday.  I remember feeling shocked and detached.  TL was gone.  I did not know about the part where she went to the basement of the school to cry.  Reading that was another heart-breaker for me.  I had taken the most beautiful gifts God had given me, and I had pissed on them, broken them, and left them in the trash. I owe TL more apologies than I can ever express in one lifetime.  I just realized, I actually owe God an apology too.  He gave me so much, and I appreciated so little.

Then I read her dream story. I knew that dream well.  I remember when she first described it to me.  Reading it today, it still shocks me.  It really does send a chill through my body.  It has such archetypal imagery of loss, betrayal, and evil.


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