While I certainly do not believe in fairy tales and “happily ever after.” I do not want a life of more bad than good, nor even one of mediocrity.
Discovering that the first 18.5 years of my marriage was filled with lies and betrayal was very difficult for me to fathom; it was soul crushing. I spent many hours, many days curled up in a fetal position, rocking and crying. That has largely stopped. But, now I find myself not feeling much of anything. I think I am all cried out (for the most part) on the one hand, and afraid to feel much of anything else on the other hand.
I know I need to return to the gym. I have never taken ADs. My mother died of addiction to painkillers and ADs and I just cannot go down that road. Talk about fear, I saw her fall into a pit of despair and try to manipulate and pull others down with her, including me. I kept my distance. I don’t want to end-up like that. On the other hand, my kids deserve a present, motivated, healthy Mother.
The gym helps my mind immensely. Unfortunately, I need to motivate myself to go. Motivation is probably my biggest lacking attribute right now.
I don’t enjoy being stuck in mediocrity. I know there are steps I could take to change it, to allow myself to feel. But, those steps require me to be vulnerable again, to feel again, to live again. While I do want all of those things so very much, I just have not been able to do it. It is time, it is time, it is time. . .It is time to give myself permission to do more than just survive. It is time to give myself permission to enjoy my life.
Just because I can say the words, unfortunately doesn’t make it so. I have the GPS programmed with how to get unstuck, I just have to turn the key on and start driving. Hmmm. . . .