Stuck in mediocrity

While I certainly do not believe in fairy tales and “happily ever after.” I do not want a life of more bad than good, nor even one of mediocrity.

Discovering that the first 18.5 years of my marriage was filled with lies and betrayal was very difficult for me to fathom; it was soul crushing. I spent many hours, many days curled up in a fetal position, rocking and crying. That has largely stopped. But, now I find myself not feeling much of anything. I think I am all cried out (for the most part) on the one hand, and afraid to feel much of anything else on the other hand.

I know I need to return to the gym. I have never taken ADs. My mother died of addiction to painkillers and ADs and I just cannot go down that road. Talk about fear, I saw her fall into a pit of despair and try to manipulate and pull others down with her, including me. I kept my distance. I don’t want to end-up like that. On the other hand, my kids deserve a present, motivated, healthy Mother.

The gym helps my mind immensely. Unfortunately, I need to motivate myself to go. Motivation is probably my biggest lacking attribute right now.

I don’t enjoy being stuck in mediocrity. I know there are steps I could take to change it, to allow myself to feel. But, those steps require me to be vulnerable again, to feel again, to live again. While I do want all of those things so very much, I just have not been able to do it. It is time, it is time, it is time. . .It is time to give myself permission to do more than just survive. It is time to give myself permission to enjoy my life.

Just because I can say the words, unfortunately doesn’t make it so. I have the GPS programmed with how to get unstuck, I just have to turn the key on and start driving. Hmmm. . . .

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3 thoughts on “Stuck in mediocrity

  1. I just found your blog & started at the beginning. And wow! THIS post says how I feel perfectly right now! “I think I am all cried out (for the most part) on the one hand, and afraid to feel much of anything else on the other hand.”.
    It’s been a year and a half since D-day…and this is where I stand today. I keep wondering if it will get better. I keep thinking I need to get “unstuck” from this feeling of “blah”…but do I want to? Yes & no. Yes, because it I know it’s what I NEED to do…no because I like not feeling it anymore.

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    1. 15gen, these feelings are hard to work through, for certain. And, I cannot say that one day they just completely disappear. At least, if they do, I’m not there yet. But, I can say that with time I am able to allow myself to feel joy. At first in a small moment, then in several small moments, as time is moving on and MC stays consistent those moments are both more frequent and longer.

      I still fight it. I have moments where I am truly enjoying myself and my mind starts analyzing every angle, looking for ways to build walls, so afraid to enjoy myself for fear of finding out, it too is an illusion. So afraid that taking a break would lull me into rug sweeping. BTW, it never did.

      For me, when I look at my pre d-day life, I see a girl wearing rose-colored glasses. Both that girl and those glasses are gone. But, I replaced those glasses with grey-colored, it felt safer, but also keeps me in darkness. At some point, we have to take them off and trust that we can see reality without the rose or grey. But, you know what, you don’t have to do it all at once. It is not all or nothing. You are allowed to take a break from the pain. As time goes on, with consistency from your husband and learning to have faith in yourself, I believe those breaks will grow in frequency and duration.

      I don’t know if that makes sense or is helpful in anyway. I just know that when I was able to tell myself, at first very briefly, “I don’t have to think about this right now, it’s not going anywhere, but for this moment I am taking break from it and enjoying myself” it opened a door to seeing a few colors of the world than I had not been allowing myself to see.

      Liked by 1 person

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