Reminders of my evil self

TigerLily asked me, as she has before, how and why I intentionally chose not to call her and our child on our child’s birthday during the height of my last affair. This was among the most shameful moments of my life. I was working and carrying on an affair in the country where we lived. My wife and children were away in our home country for a few weeks. The weekend of my child’s birthday, I took my AP out-of-town, to a resort, a couple of hours drive from home, not even considering responsibilities at my workplace, and the ability to Skype our child.

The Sunday of our child’s birthday I lay in bed with my AP, skipping my workout, something I would never skip if I were with my wife. I ignored my wife’s phone calls, dozens of times throughout the day. I didn’t want my AP to see me give any attention to my wife or child, for fear the AP would not give me sex. The AP, in fact, did not give me sex, being too focused on her own selfish manipulation of me and her own mental health problems.

Like a drug addict snorting cocaine off the dirty bathroom floor, I kept telling myself the AP would soon give me sex, then I’d quickly drive her home and then go call my kid. Just five more minutes, I told myself. Then it was, just another half hour. Then it was, just another hour. Soon I had pissed away the whole day, not having the brains, the balls, the willpower, or the love and compassion in me to walk out and go call my kid.

That’s how I did it. That’s why I did it. I wish to God I could undo it. I don’t expect forgiveness for this.

I think I’ve become a pretty good husband and father now, recovering from my addictive need for validation by APs and my addiction to self pity. But, I was once the worst husband and father I can imagine. I’ll never be able to undo that. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.

I’ve done so many terrible things I don’t know where to begin. I’m wondering if I might be able to learn something new and insightful about myself by writing about it here and getting your input.

Here’s another. One AP was our maid. TigerLily asks me if I would have firmly and quickly fired the maid and exposed my affair for the sake of investigation if the maid had done anything to physically harm my wife. My wife asks what if the maid had poisoned her or something. Would I have desired to protect my wife? Would I have had the courage, presence of mind, and selflessness to protect my wife?

I say, yes, I would have protected my wife. I was a cheater and a liar, selfish and self-centered to the core. But, I was not a murderer. And, though I was a coward, I was not so cowardly as to stand by while someone murders another person, particularly my wife. As cruel, thoughtless, heartless, entitled, and angry as I was, I was not pure evil. I had two parts of me, co-existing simultaneously. I was bad and good, at the same time. Sadly, I focused on self-pity and let the bad part of me respond to that. But, I was not 100 percent bad.

My wife says, prove it. Prove that I would have protected her from murder at the hands of my AP. I can’t. I believe I would have done the right thing in that hypothetical scenario. But, I can’t prove it, not even to myself.

In fact, logic suggests I would have done the wrong thing. I had been doing so much of the wrong thing back then. I was obsessed with meeting my needs and protecting myself, other people be damned. So, no, I can’t prove that I would have done the right thing.

I pray to God that I would have done the right thing. I thank God that I never had to confront such a scenario, that I never had to confront that side of myself to such an extreme, in real life.

It looks like the dark side of me could have done even more awful things if it had not been checked by reality. What can I do about that now? I know I’m committed to putting my wife before myself and to protecting her now. I will do anything possible to protect her now. But, God, I was not always on such a virtuous path. God, I was evil. I’m so sorry I was evil. I don’t want to be evil.

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