I am different now and there is no going back. My husband is fixing his shit. I am still left with discovering that all of that shit was actually spread over my past thoughts, feelings and memories, which don’t look so pretty now. I will never have blind trust in anyone again.
When I look back at my husband it is easy for me to see the difference between who he was and who he is trying to be. Frankly, he was clearly a selfish bastard. I just had convinced myself that his selfishness was a mixture of male cluelessness and ambition and his desire to make something wonderful for OUR future.
He now will say he understands what love is in a way he never understood before. He now is happy, truly happy for the first time in his life. I feel it, I see it, it is so good for him, our children, our family and our marriage. And, though, that is so wonderful on so many levels, it is hard to not realize the costs it took to me and our family for him to get there. Not only that, but I have had to deal with the deepest trauma and depression I have ever experienced in my entire life because of it. It changes us. It is not fair. It is not just. IT SUCKS!
We talk about it a lot. He spent so many years feeling sorry for himself, obsessing on stupid shit, comparing himself to others, focused on his ego. In a way, part of dealing with the depression and trauma that this has brought into my heart has been obsessing on real shit, comparing myself to others, focusing on my ego, which took a huge hit. And, I think we need time to go ahead and do that.
Now, I am just focused on learning to let go of ego and focus on building self-esteem, on accepting that the past can never be different, on finding happiness regardless of my marriage, on building ways to trust myself and my instincts. I am learning to trust my instincts because I am different now. I can see selfishness for what it is, now that my rose colored, blind-faith glasses are in the garbage. And, yes, I do have a polygraph to make sure. I need that right now as I learn to trust myself better. Of course, I cannot polygraph the world. But, as I have changed, I do feel that I am seeing reality better than ever before. It is still a work in progress.
I don’t trust in a set future, in some narrative of what can or should be. I am learning to trust in me, that no matter happens, I will be ok. I am actually starting to like this new me. She’s a realist, who says what she thinks, hopefully, in a loving and authentic way.