Measures of safety

We talk a lot about the unfaithful building safety for their betrayed spouse. Here is what that looked like to us.

However you get there, full disclosure is so important.

1. Polygraph, with follow-ups on the table if ever desired. Our counselor was able to recommend an examiner based on his experience and knowledge of the examiner, who he met while working as a volunteer helping youth within the criminal justice system. The polygraph examiner had years of experience working with the police on cases involving sexual offenders.

Questions were few and tailored to be objective. No subjective emotional type questions allowed. MindlessCraft (MC) wrote a timeline before the polygraph of every physical and/or intimate relationship he has had since the start of our marriage. He then shared it with TigerLily (TL). He had already told TL all on the timeline before it was ever written, but the examiner needed it all written out.

Then, the questions for the polygraph were simply based on the timeline. The questions were worded appropriately by the examiner to accurately, specifically and objectively get at the idea. . .”is he still hiding, omitting or lying to TL about any information regarding his relationships with others since the beginning of the marriage.” Only the examiner and MC were allowed to be in the test. However, before the test, the examiner went over the questions with both MC and TL.  The test took about three hours. MC sometimes has extended travel for work, because of this, and the level of his betrayals, he has taken three polygraphs and passed each time. We do not want a marriage based on polygraph, but for now TL needs this as a back-up measure of safety. With time, consistency, and evidence that MC is a healthy person and safe partner, we will need it less and less.

2. Post-nuptial agreement with infidelity clause drawn-up. MC hired an attorney to draw-up the document. The idea was to give TL as much as possible, without it going to the level of likely being deemed unconscionable by some future judge. MC initiated it and by so doing helps to show this was done on his initiative, of his own free will, free from coercion. Also, we were told that in contract law, any questions of interpretation will be decided in favor of the person who did NOT initiate and present the contract (check with an attorney on all of this though). TL then hired an attorney to review the contract, suggest a few amendments and then we all signed it.

3. Vasectomy. TL already could not have more children, but this measure was MC’s way of trying to show TL that our children are and will always be MC’s top priority. His time, energy and resources will never be diverted from them, no matter what happens with us.

4. Access to all. Open and free access to all devices, accounts, passwords, etc. . .TL prefers the polygraph because it puts the onus of proving MC is being honest on him, instead of the onus of proving he is lying on TL. Still, free access is there at all times.

Attempting to reconcile is a risky proposition. So, it is incumbent upon the unfaithful spouse, if s/he truly wants reconciliation for the sake of a healthy marriage, to take on as much of that risk as possible and get it off the shoulders of their betrayed in any way they can.

What measures of safety have you found useful? Please share what you have found to be helpful and healing.


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