A few months ago, I brought up the topic of divorce to Mindless. Not as a way to instill fear, but as a way to address fear in me. You see, I wanted to make sure that the reason I am trying to R with him is not out of fear.
There were a few occasions of happiness during our marriage, but the truth is that these were isolated occasions, nowhere near the majority in our marriage. Just enough to give me hope of what “could be” as opposed to the reality of what it was. For me, this lack of happiness, stemmed from feeling like nothing I could ever do was enough. I kept trying to make him happy and couldn’t. I put too much into him and not enough into me. For him, during his entire life (not just our marriage) it stemmed from him feeling like nothing would ever be enough, he always wanted more, not only was the glass half-empty, but it was leaking. That is a hugely simplistic explanation of our conversation, but the basic theme.
I realized at one point in our marriage, our child (2nd child had not yet been born) and I were evacuated back to the US while Mindless stayed overseas for several months. We were in a little apartment, with hardly any belongings, near what family I have left in this world, but otherwise alone. And, you know what, I was happy then. Our child was happy then. And, it made me realize that fear of losing our lifestyle, our things, our way-of-life, fear of being lonely and alone are for nothing. When all of that was the case, I was actually happy. So, it is not really a reason to stay and try for R.
Then, I realized a big part of my feeling of living in limbo is waiting for the day he can retire so we can return “home” to that little bit of family; not so much the actual state of our marriage at this point. Though, perhaps, the pain from our situation is making me homesick in a way that is stronger than I would otherwise be. And, I need to separate out the feeling of homesickness from everything else. As much as fear is not a reason to R, homesickness is not a reason to D.
He is doing so much to help us heal, to heal himself and to provide me the safety I need to heal, to encourage and support me, us and our kids. And, I wondered if I was staying, if I was trying, because of fear of giving up all we have together. I am not so afraid anymore, which is giving me a different freedom to try – not sure if that makes sense? If he fucks it up, it’s ok, we’ll be ok (the kids and I). If he keeps on this path and I decide, you know what, I just cannot let go of this pain with him in my day-to-day life that is ok too, we will all be ok. If he is truly on the path of healing, he will continue on that path with or without me.
I need to learn how to be happy. I hope that will include Mindless and, as long as he is on this healing path, I really want to try. But, if it cannot work for whatever reason, it will be ok. It will be ok.
He’s provided concrete foundations for the children and my safety, but I’ve been so afraid, paralyzed by fear, holding up a shield to protect myself for the last 2.5 years. Letting go of the fear of divorce, realizing that even in the worst case scenario that the kids and I will be ok, allows me to not have that shield up 24/7, which has been too damn exhausting. I am more free to truly work on me, and then on us, and not let fear of divorce rule the way forward.