Toxic Masculinity

I recently read an article discussing toxic masculinity in the context of fatherless South African young men. I was struck by how similar the issues raised are to MindlessCraft’s issues. Except for one difference, Mindless grew-up with a father.

As I read, another thought occurred to me. In Mindless’s case, and so many others I’ve seen on blogs and forums, the case wasn’t so much of a missing father (though, perhaps, an overly quiet one) as it was of a controlling mother; a mother who refused to empower her child to make mistakes, learn from mistakes, and to have a voice of their own. A mother who wanted their son never to grow up, never to be a confident man capable of making his own life choices, a mother who wanted never to let go. Pretty much the opposite of this video by Kristina Kuzmic. I love this video, especially the lines, “you see, the more I treat a child like a competent human being, the more he or she will act like a competent human being. Isn’t it crazy how that works?” And, “we don’t get to decide our children’s strengths and talents, so why don’t you let your child be and go get yourself a puppet.”

This blog post has been sitting as an unfinished draft for some time, in the intervening days since I wrote this, the Gillette ad came out. I must say, I love the Gillette ad. As I read some of the backlash comments, I was stupified by the prevalence of such toxic masculinity that still exists in our society, our American society.

And, it occurs to me once again, how I think the real issue at play is “control.” Men who hold onto notions of toxic masculinity, men who are reacting negatively to the Gillette advertisement are doing so, perhaps, because they sense that many in American society are tired of male dominance being the expectation, these men are losing complete unquestioned control. We are moving to a place where many in our society actually expect RESPECT to be the guiding principle in how we treat others, regardless of gender, race, religion, or sexual orientation. I am astounded that the simple idea of “mutual respect” is receiving such backlash!

And, it brings me back to thinking of MindlessCraft’s issues, which are his to describe and his to heal. However, placing them in a broader, societal context, I cannot help but think that there is a misunderstanding between “aggressiveness” and “assertiveness.” In my opinion, aggressiveness, including passive aggressiveness, seeks to manipulate or control the agency of another. Whereas, assertiveness is merely the recognition and honest expression of self while honoring others also have the right and responsibility to express themselves.

How many of our men refused to be assertive in their daily visible personal lives and resented that fact? How many of our men saw their hidden sexual lives as something they alone controlled? I look at the latter as an aggressive act borne of fear and resentment, while also a fundamental mischaracterization of what it means to be a man. Being a man isn’t about being aggressive and taking what you “deserve.” Being a man is about being an adult, which means being authentic, assertive and respectful of others’ need, right and responsibility to do the same.

I will not give Mindless control over me, I will not give Mindless my agency. On the other hand, damn it, I don’t want him giving over his control and agency to me. Instead, I want an assertive partner. One who has agency and recognizes that each of us has agency in our decisions. One who understands the difference between assertive and aggressive, including passive aggressive. I don’t want to be a human puppet, and I don’t want a human puppet for a partner. I want a partner who discusses all openly and honestly, but also understands that I will be doing the same.

Being a man isn’t about sexual conquests, it is about being an adult. Being an adult isn’t about control, it is about living with courage. Living with courage isn’t about getting rid of fear before being open and honest, living with courage is about being open and honest in spite of the fear.

Since before d-day, I see so many differences on this front with Mindless. It is definitely a work in progress. But, of all of the work he is doing to become a healthy man of integrity, this is probably the one that gives me the most hope and the strongest sense of safety.

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Book review: No More Mr. Nice Guy

Robert A. Glover’s No More Mr. Nice Guy says if a man focuses on pleasing others instead of meeting his own needs he becomes unhappy, unattractive, and unsuccessful. Moreover, he often becomes bitter and resentful, feeling the victim, covertly harboring anger and self-pity. In many cases, this can lead a man to lies, a hidden double life, affairs, prostitution, compulsive use of porn and masturbation, and not living up to his full potential. Typical childhood roots of the problem, says Glover, include the well-worn themes of abuse and neglect, as well as parents who are controlling or religiously (and culturally, in my opinion) repressive, or who meet their own needs through their children. The solution, per the book, is for these nice guys to start knowing what they want out of life, love, and sex; take initiative and be assertive; and ditch self-defeating habits.

This all rings true. My mother gratified her own ego by bragging about me, even when I believed her boasts about me were exaggerated, irrelevant, or otherwise over-the-top. It made me hate hearing someone go on about how smart or handsome I supposedly was. My community and my parents were culturally repressive. My mother was controlling, to the point of choosing my friends and my clothes well into my late teens and disparaging any piece of modern or popular culture that might have touched themes too mature for Mr. Rogers. I recall not wanting my family to see who I was at school, for example, and not wanting my teachers and peers to see who I was at home. I recall always looking over my shoulder, wondering what others thought of me. Regarding sex, I think I learned to view it as something I had to sneak or steal, something received only through luck, and not something I could just shamelessly and openly seek. More than six years after D-day in our marriage, I find some of Glover’s suggestions helpful. I feel better about life as I strive daily for courage and integrity, being the same person at work as I am at home, and caring less what others think of me. With sex, I am learning—in fits and starts – to approach my wife with brave disregard for the immediate outcome, not allowing an occasional “not in the mood” to scare me away or depress me.

Glover’s book, however, is not a perfect fit for me. Since it cannot be all things to all people, it does not address a case like mine in which I have already hurt my wife through extreme lies and adultery. The book’s long lists of suggestions for nice guys to tend to themselves first seems tone deaf in the aftermath of infidelity. The book therefore seems laden with good advice that I should have taken before it became too late. Now that it is too late, there are only a few relevant lessons from the book: develop courage and integrity, stop worrying what others think of you, and openly and honestly deal with your needs and desires before they turn into resentment and frustration.

The Wood Song

Before d-day, The Wood Song was one of my favorites. It really summed up my life view, how I had taught myself to view all the pain from my younger life.

I wish I could still feel the same about it. Now, I just cannot find the strength to see it this way anymore.

I still love this song, but must admit to a certain sadness when hearing it. It reminds me of the strength I once had within me to accept the pain of the past and not let it negatively interfere with my present or future, to understand that all of the past, good, bad and in between, was part of what made the strong person I thought myself to be. I miss that strength. I miss the strength I once was able to harness, but cannot seem to find again.

The Wood Song, by the Indigo Girls, written by Emily Ann Saliers

The thin horizon of a plan is almost clear
My friends and I have had a tough time
Bruising our brains hard up against change
All the old dogs and the magician<

Now I see we’re in the boat in two by twos
Only the heart that we have for a tool we could use
And the very close quarters are hard to get used to
Love weighs the hull down with its weight

But the wood is tired and the wood is old
And we’ll make it fine if the weather holds
But if the weather holds we’ll have missed the point
That’s where I need to go

No way construction of this tricky plan
Was built by other than a greater hand
With a love that passes all out understanding
Watching closely over the journey

Yeah but what it takes to cross the great divide
Seems more than all the courage I can muster up inside
Although we get to have some answers when we reach the other side
The prize is always worth the rocky ride

But the wood is tired and the wood is old
And we’ll make it fine if the weather holds
But if the weather holds we’ll have missed the point
That’s where I need to go

Sometimes I ask to sneak a closer look
Skip to the final chapter of the book
And then maybe steer us clear from some of the pain it took
To get us where we are this far yeah
But the question drowns in it’s futility
And even I have got to laugh at me
No one gets to miss the storm of what will be
Just holding on for the ride

The wood is tired and the wood is old
We’ll make it fine if the weather holds
But if the weather holds we’ll have missed the point
That’s where I need to go

My Letter to Mindless

Spouse of an SA asked me why the topic of “retroactive jealousy” scared me so much. And, I put a lot of thought into that question. I fear that it still exists within him and I wrote this letter to Mindless focusing on that fear to see if it might help me flesh out these feelings, so here it goes. . .

Mindless,

I need you to stop wanting to change your pre-marital past. I need you to stop wanting your pre-marital past to be different. I need you to stop caring about your pre-marital sexual experiences. And, most of all, I need you to recognize and embrace that your pre-marital sexual past was NOT “less than” my past before you. Until you do those things, I cannot believe you are my friend, I will not believe you are my friend. 

I should’ve been enough for you. Our life together should have been enough for you. Our life together should have been more than enough for you to realize your blessings, be grateful for your blessings and  to overcome all your past  pre-marital sexual “disappointments.” For hell’s sake, what do such “disappointments” of the past have to do with who you are in the present and future if you are happy with what you have in the present and the future? And, frankly, your “disappointments” of the past are whack, are distorted completely from reality. You do not have a small penis, you are handsome, you are fit, you are smart (though your common sense is clearly questionable). And, if we are going down the path of wishing our pre-marital pasts were different, I could just as easily wish I had your pre-marital past. I could just as easily wish that I had a steady boyfriend all through college, that I had boyfriends in high school (not just one for a couple months), that I was invited to and attended parties in high school. I didn’t have any of those things. Regardless, that never made me do to you what you did to me. How can you stomach that you still consider your pre-married life to be “less than” mine after everything, after EVERYTHING? 

Let’s talk about my pre-married life for a minute. I was so alone and so lonely after my dad died. There was absolutely nobody in the world who would’ve noticed if I had just disappeared forever. Every one of my friends had boyfriends on and off, more on than off, and I had nobody. I was the fall back for someone to hang with if nothing better was available. I was the one to call if in need of help because everyone expected I would jump and be there for them because I always was there for them. 

And, then I met M on a visit to my grandfather and M gave me attention and I thought he really was into me. And, on our first date, we made out at a park. I was 21 years old when we met. He proceeded to write me letters over the next several months until I went back to visit my grandfather again. M was my first. He continued to write to me after that trip. When I saw him again I thought it was really going somewhere. Only, it never was and he was using me. It cheapened what I had done with him, what I thought I had with him and I reacted by telling myself it was all meaningless anyway. So, yes, I spent the next 18 months convincing myself it was all meaningless anyway, or trying to, and secretly hoping on some level that maybe by not being such a prude (as I had been called in the past) that boys might be more interested in me and want to be my boyfriend, if they could only see I’m not some cute, little girl that only belonged in the “friend” zone. 

And, then I realized that is not who I am or who I want to be. I need to be happy with myself, even if that is being alone forever. And, that is when you came into my life. You were handsome and smart, and I could talk to you like I had only ever been able to talk to my dad. And, I dreamt of our future together, our kids together, our life together, we had so much in common and could really build a future together, I could see it all, I could love you, I could be safe with you, I saw you loving me and cherishing me back, that it would never again be so damn one-sided as it had always been in my life.  But, you bait-and-switched on me. And, then that lonely, painful part of my past was used as a weapon against me. That lonely, painful part of my past was held up as some holy grail that you felt you deserved to have. You never recognized the pain of that time for me. You have never admitted to the pain of that time FOR ME. You dismissed my pain to pursue your self-pity. You must stop dismissing that pain. It wasn’t some holy fucking grail. It was lonely, I was lonely. Stop holding that time up to me as if it was some holy fucking grail. It NEVER was and NEVER will be. I was ready, willing and able to leave both of our pre-marital pasts behind us because it didn’t matter and we now had each other. Why damn it, why couldn’t you do the same?

It’s on me this time, I think?

MindlessCraft tells me everything. This is what I want. He could tell me about a woman trying to flirt with him, and it wouldn’t bother me, in fact, it would make me feel safer that he shared this information with me, shared how it made him feel (even if only for a second in time), shared how he would have handled it pre-d-day and shared how he handled it now. The point is that he can tell me almost anything as long as it is honest, volunteered immediately, and proactively showing deep thought and discussion regarding the distinct differences between pre and post-d-day reactions and responses. I find this all very helpful.

He often tells me what he is reading or delving into in regards to “the work” on his own or with his counselor, and that too has been more helpful than not. There is one topic, however, that I just do not know how to handle, it is a discussion of his “sick obsessions,” “retroactive jealousy,” “Chasing Amy Syndrome,” whatever the hell you want to call it about my pre-Mindless history. All of these are colloquial terms for the same issue.

Though he harassed me for the first few years of our marriage about my pre-marital, pre-MindlessCraft life, he finally found a program of intense physical fitness as his outlet and mental health salve. Or, at least, that is what he led me to believe. Only, as you know, this was not the truth. He withheld himself from me, seethed in anger inside, and acted out (what I still feel in some ways was with “vengeance” in mind) in the most horrific of ways.

He recently started digging deeper into this “retroactive jealousy.” It certainly was not in a “woe is me” kind of way, nor was there any self-pity being used as his guiding light into hell, dragging me along with him. And, I know, as sure as I know anything, that I don’t ever again want this topic buried, hidden, nor pushed aside. I, also, must admit that just the mention of the topic sends me into a panic mode. It is the ONE topic that makes me feel very unsafe, to know that there is still a small part of him that struggles with those thoughts and feelings. And, I don’t know what to do about this. He will talk with his counselor more about it, and perhaps that is where this one conversation must remain. But, on the other hand, I don’t ever again want anything hidden from me. I don’t know what to do on this. Is there any way I could ever feel safe with discussions of this topic with Mindless? How can I ask for full honesty, nothing hidden, and shy away from this topic? It’s on me this time, I think?

Neither humility nor pride

I devote some time to “the work” of trying to become a safe person for TL each day. Most days, lately, that means reading or listening to advice from Rick Reynolds’ Affair Recovery archives. Other days, it means reading from a self-improvement book Rick or others may have recommended. On days when I have neither books nor internet access, I use the time to think, reflect, and write.   

Today, I wonder, as I often do, what were significant problems that made me not a safe person for TL in the past? Safe, in this context, means I won’t lie, cheat, or judge TL. I think a lot about how I used to be jealous, possessive, and controlling. A few internet searches bring up a raft of literature suggesting all those bad behaviors often stem from low self-esteem. Yes, I had low self-esteem, not being proud of myself, particularly when I thought about my physical body, my experiences or self-perceived lack thereof, inadequate feeling of accomplishment, inadequate feeling of self-sufficiency and independence, and general discomfort with other people. So, becoming more proud, and less ashamed, of myself should help, right? Nurturing some self-confidence ought to help, I suppose.

I wonder, also, how to square such a conclusion with another lesson I learned that seems contradictory. The other lesson is that I think I can become safer as I develop more humility. As life, including consequences of my own decisions, hits me with humbling experiences, I am increasingly reminded to count my blessings. Humbling experiences abound: uncertainty about jobs and income, near-death moments while driving, sick kids, schedule conflicts, competing financial demands, and on and on. I think the best way for me to handle those humbling experiences is to remember gratitude.

So, is that a paradox: to become a safer husband I should become both more proud of myself or self-confident, as well as more humble, remembering I am small in the shadow of God?

No Honor

Partisan politics aside, the dishonorable judge Brett, nominated by the less-honorable president racist-clown, made me think. Politically, I’ve been on both sides of the aisle, and can empathize with both sides (only up to the point of racism) to this day. Regardless, the more I learn about judge Brett, the more I envision the kind of guy he was in high school, or even in elementary school.   

I realize now that growing up in the pasty-white portion of America, as I did, we learned mixed messages about dudes like Brett. By the time we studied liberal arts in college and moved to cosmopolitan areas, we were taught—but did not necessarily learn—that Bretts are barbarians, left over from an outdated era when it was okay to think a woman deserved abuse on account of not staying virginal and near the hearth.

In my case, I didn’t truly learn—meaning to internalize the belief rather than just parrot the politically correct – until I just about destroyed my wife and my family through my sexual insecurity-driven lying and cheating.

Digging further back, however, before liberal arts college, I recall a pasty white hometown where the honor student jock with country-club parents – the Brett – was admirable, regardless of what he did. The measure of the man was success, not honor. The measure of the woman was the appearance of chastity, not personal accomplishment nor character.

My lying and cheating were inexcusable and unforgivable. Still, I am credulously awestruck to recall that guys like Brett – worse still, guys like younger me, who envied Bretts – are very common. You’ll find them all throughout pasty-white, Jesus-quoting, country radio-listening America. Moreover, you’ll also find them hidden somewhat deep inside the personal psyches of plenty of men in politically-correct, MS-NBC-watching, briefcase-carrying America too.

We look pretty civilized. Many of us struggle to live up to that description.

No Secrets, No Walls

So, I am a firm believer in all windows and no walls between spouses. I believe this is a foundational principle for recovery. And, on this, I find it just so difficult to see, hear about, read about situations where this is clearly not happening, not even expected, perhaps not even wanted by a betrayed spouse of a serial cheater (or whatever label given to describe the serial cheating spouse).

For me, a baseline of a detailed timeline of MC’s truths was essential, truths that I would never in a million years have thought he was capable of doing, truths that I would never in a million years have known about. And, having that then backed up by a polygraph was a start to showing me that we were now at ground zero, his bricks had all been torn down.  When dealing with a serial cheater, there can never really be a “He tells me he could never do a, b or c. I know him, I know he would never take the risk that far, he says so himself.” I cannot help but feel angst at seeing the rose-colored glasses I once used to wear still exist on a betrayed. It is like watching a trainwreck coming and knowing there is nothing you can do about it. I just find it too hard.

So, I’ve noticed that we’ve had a lot of hits on our posts relating to Esther Perel. As you know, I am not a fan. First, as I’ve mentioned so many times before, I find too many who don’t understand where she is leading the conversation. I don’t disagree with her theories about why affairs happen. Peggy Vaughan and Rick Reynolds have very similar ideas about this, though very different ideas about what to do about it. I am not bothered that she encourages American society to reexamine the place of monogamy in our society. I do, however, think she should be much more clear about that at the onset.  It is not that she wants us to feel freer within our marriages “to explore alternative relationships” that I find so disturbing, it is the fact that she thinks there is a place for secrecy within a marriage.

“In America, lying can never be an act of caring. We find it hard to accept that lying would be protective, this is an unexamined idea. In some countries, not telling, or a certain opaqueness, is an act of respect.”

“For Americans, infidelity is wrong. In France, it hurts. There is a moral element more present in Anglo-Saxon culture than in Latin culture where infidelity is experienced not only as a betrayal, but as the expression of an existential dilemma between love and desire,”

“In the United States, transparency is the key to redemption, while in Europe, we have more respect for the unsaid.”

Perel is advocating that sometimes secrets are good for a marriage and that is a shade of rose that just doesn’t sit well with me. I believe secrets are poison. I believe secrets are counterproductive to the healing journey. When we put up a wall between ourselves and our spouse, we are not allowing them to know us, to love us for who we really are. And, if we cannot truly know each other, how can we truly love each other? Secrets are bricks that build-up into walls. For this marriage to work, all the bricks had to be torn away, and new ones can never again be put between us.

A lot of therapists have similar ideas about what leads to affairs, it’s the conclusions that differ so drastically. Instead of justifying secrets as some weird form of respect, Peggy Vaughn sees secrets as the fuel of temptation:

When I discovered my husband’s affairs, I had a hard time coping with the idea that our marriage was not monogamous in the way I had assumed it would be. While I gave up my belief in the Monogamy Myth, I didn’t give up my hope for monogamy. I still believe in monogamy and think it’s attainable. But achieving monogamy calls for making some drastic changes in our thinking. The irony of the Monogamy Myth is that it keeps us from dealing with the issues that need to be addressed in order to make monogamy a more attainable goal.

The best hope for monogamy lies in rejecting the idea that a couple can assume monogamy without discussing the issue, or that they can assure monogamy by making threats as to what they would do if it happened. Either of these paths creates a cycle of dishonesty. In either case, people don’t feel free to admit being attracted to someone else. If they don’t admit these attractions, then they won’t admit being tempted. And if they don’t admit being tempted, then they certainly won’t admit it if and when they finally act on the attraction. The effect on the relationship is to cause it to be filled with jealousy and suspicion, as well as making it less likely that it will be monogamous.

The hope for monogamy lies in making a conscious choice that specifically involves a commitment to honesty. In making this choice, both partners realize that attractions to others are likely, indeed inevitable, no matter how much they love each other. So they engage in ongoing honest communication about the reality of the temptations and how to avoid the consequences of acting on those temptations. The effect on the relationship is to create a sense of closeness and a knowledge of each other that replaces suspicion with trust, making it more likely that it will be monogamous.

I am open to a lot of different ideas about how to go forward in recovery, but one of the unwavering principles I take forth with me on this journey is that secrets are bricks that build up into walls. No secrets, no walls, even about the hard things, especially about the hard things.

Trigger, realization, not sure?

So, MC and I were playing billiards when the song, Desperado came on the radio. I’ve heard that song many times. In fact, it brought back a memory. So, in that way, it was a trigger. You see when we lived in one of the many developing countries that we’ve lived, our oldest son, about three years old at the time, and I had to leave due to dangerous situations going on around us. MC stayed behind. The housekeeper also stayed. Yes, THAT housekeeper.

I remember how our oldest son and I waited back home in the U.S. for things to calm down so we could return overseas to be with MC. I remember how our son would ask to listen to Desperado over and over again when we would drive in the car and how we would sing to it as we listened. I remember how I did it because I too loved that song and loved that he loved daddy’s song. And, I remember the reason we both loved it is because it made us feel closer to MC.

So, here we are playing billiards and Desperado comes on the air. I know the lyrics, but this time I just really took them in. And, it just really hit me why MC liked the song so much, and a sad realization just washed over me. That song still touches me, but somehow in a very different way now.

I don’t even know what to think or feel right now. It just is. I’m not drowning in sorrow or anything, it just touched something in me.

Desperado
Eagles
Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
You been out ridin' fences for so long now
Oh, you're a hard one
But I know that you got your reasons
These things that are pleasin' you
Can hurt you somehow


Don't you draw the Queen of Diamonds, boy
She'll beat you if she's able
You know the Queen of Hearts is always your best bet
Now, it seems to me some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you can't get


Desperado, oh, you ain't gettin' no younger
Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin' you home
And freedom, oh freedom, well that's just some people talkin'
Your prison is walking through this world all alone


Don't your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine
It's hard to tell the night time from the day
You're losin' all your highs and lows
Ain't it funny how the feeling goes away?


Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, open the gate
It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you (let somebody love you)
You better let somebody love you
Before it's too late

 

How do you dream beyond tomorrow?

So, MindlessCraft and I were talking about how we live in this day-by-day world. He understands my need to take it day-by-day. He understands that I don’t feel safe dreaming of OUR future. He tells me it is very sad that he has caused this to be the way it is. He understands that his not knowing what tomorrow will bring regarding my thoughts of our marriage is a consequence of me not ever again feeling 100% confident that he will continue to be a safe partner for the remainder of our lives.

Can we live this way, day-by-day, without any guarantee of what tomorrow will bring? Is there any way that our marriage can be a safe place, where we can dream of a future together without fear? What would I need to feel that way?

I can never again have blind faith in anything or anyone. I will never be the naive, trusting girl that I was before d-day. Knowing that there are no guarantees for any of us, how do you start again dreaming beyond tomorrow? Whether he is in my life or not, I’m focusing on living today, trying today, and building upon that day-by-day. I wish it were different too. After all that has happened, I just don’t have it in me to trust anything beyond the tangible directly in front me.

I do remember one of our counselors emphasizing the need for near-term plans, mid-term plans, and long-range plans. We do talk about these things in terms of our financial security and jobs, and in terms of helping our boys plan next steps for their education. We plan for logistics. We plan for events in the near future. But, we don’t dream beyond tomorrow. Should we, can we, and if so, how?

Good night, Westley

I wanted to clear up any confusion that may exist. Yes, I have given MindlessCraft the gift of reconciliation. Make no mistake, this is a gift, not a right, not an expectation. After what he did, I owed him nothing, and he expected nothing. In fact, he presumed I was going to throw his sorry ass out the door and never look back.

Why I am telling you this? Because I want to be sure our example is not used as a statement that one should or must try to reconcile. I also hope that our example shows just how much is involved in that attempt. Part of what influences my decision to stay, to try,  is seeing Mindlesscraft’s dedication to helping me heal, fixing his shit and providing safety for our boys and me, whether or not I chose to reconcile or divorce. I see Mindless doing the work, and today I am still here, each day now for the last six years. And, MindlessCraft has no guarantees that tomorrow or the next day I might not decide that the healthiest path forward for me is without him, and yet he continues doing the work regardless. And, that speaks to me.

“Good night, Westley. Good work. Sleep well. I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.”

That is not to say this is a linear process. It is not! I compare it to the stock market. There are valleys and peaks along the way, but over the long haul, there is clearly an upward trajectory.  This upward trajectory is not a guarantee for me, for Mindless, for you, for anyone. Goodness knows, there are some big ass swamp rats on this journey. And, you have every right to decide whether or not that is a journey worth facing.

As betrayed spouses, we have been stabbed in the back, hurt, lied to, crushed into a billion little pieces by the very person who was supposed to be by our side. We do not owe our cheating spouse a chance. They broke everything. And, if you want to walk away, then know that you have my complete love and support in that decision. If you’re going to give reconciliation a try with a spouse whose actions are based on fixing their shit and providing you safety regardless of your decision to stay or go, then I will give you love and support in that decisions as well. If you want to try today and leave tomorrow, I totally love and support you in that decision. The destruction of the relationship is not on your shoulders, the cheater did that all by themselves. However, your future is on your shoulders.

 

Antiversary

Today, it was six years ago today that I found out the depth and breadth of MC’s betrayal. I hadn’t even thought of it, hadn’t realized it until MC mentioned it. Thoughts of that day flooded into my mind, and then out again. I’ve been down that rabbit hole many times over the years, there’s nothing left to see in there, meh.

This is not to say I don’t still have thoughts and triggers, and even an occasional rabbit hole that I feel compelled to explore again. But, not this one, not this one…

On Crucial Conversations

I read Crucial Conversations, by Patterson, et. al. Rick Reynolds suggested it. The main point was conversations can be successful when we learn to put aside ego and to seek knowledge in conversations rather than seek to win arguments. Do we value verbally battering someone until they concede? Do we value remaining silent to show frustration or avoid the effort of discussion? Or, do we value achieving a result and preserving a relationship?   

Putting aside ego and focusing on results is straightforward enough. It also occurs to me that having such conversations rather than avoiding them takes courage as well as some degree of genuine positive feeling about the other person. How can you overlook offenses or difficult comments from the other person and focus on results if you really think the other person is too different from you or too unimportant to you to matter? In other words, I think it is easier to stay focused on results if you generally like people and assume they mean well than if you generally fear and suspect other people.

As for me, I think I was fearful and suspicious of people for most of my early life. I remember feeling people thought ill of me behind my back or that they really didn’t like me. In retrospect, perhaps I was just projecting my feelings onto them. I do feel noticeably more at ease with people in general than when I was younger. Perhaps that comes with age. Perhaps that comes with the humility and focus I learned through our D-day experience. Perhaps it’s a little of both.

Samson Syndrome Discussion Questions for Personal Reflection, Part Three

Which of the seven enemies of discernment trouble you, or have troubled you? They are pride, liquor, anger, lust, greed, hatred, and impatience. How will you mitigate them? I think almost all of them have troubled me, at some point or another. Let me see if I can be more specific.   

Perhaps my trouble with pride is the same arrogance and overestimating myself that I described before. Perhaps it often kept me from learning from others, or even from learning from my own mistakes. I think one way I mitigate pride is regularly recalling things that make me feel humble: my mistakes, other people’s strengths and successes, how easy it would be to die or lose a loved one in an unforeseen accident, daily challenges and obstacles in life that are bigger than I expected, and how many people there are in space and time who each have little worlds revolving around them. I think another way to mitigate pride is to actively care about my faith community and my kids’ youth groups. Bravely trying worthy endeavors, and often humbly failing, are also useful antidotes to pride.

Liquor was a problem for me in my twenties. I think I mitigated that through my own, unplanned aversion therapy. I just got sick of feeling sick: of hangovers, headaches, dehydration, and fatigue. I got sick of wasted time and fattening calories. I really sort of outgrew my immature alcohol abuse. Intoxication turns me off as much, or more than, it tempts me now.

I recall acute angry outbursts, such as one day when I blew up at a gas station clerk because of some minor service that was unavailable. Or, maybe it was because of a long wait time or something. I don’t remember. I do remember my angry outburst was unproductive and embarrassing. I recall longer-term, festering anger such as my anger about feeling sexually undesirable. That was also unproductive. Age has helped me mitigate the acute angry outbursts. I believe I actually learned, after considerable experience, that losing control of my emotions is losing sight of the objective, which actually hurts me and makes it less likely I will achieve my objectives.

It is less clear how to mitigate the long-term, festering anger. I think it helps to actively develop humility and gratitude. I think it helps to remember to not take things personally.

Lust was obviously a problem for me, evidenced by a life of adultery, porn, and masturbation. I have extinguished those behaviors. Does that mitigate the lust? I do try to regularly remind myself of the value of integrity. I think integrity helps me stop myself before I follow lustful thoughts and let them snowball. When I see a woman or an image of a woman, I remind myself to think of my wife and my integrity.

Is greed really a specific problem for me? No, I don’t recall that being a problem.

What about hatred? There have been times when I was so angry with a certain person or other that I thought I hated them. What is the difference between deep anger and hatred? Joseph Burgo’s February 14, 2013 article, “What is the difference between anger and hatred?” says:

“We can distinguish between anger and hatred in two ways: intensity and duration. It helps to think of them as occurring along a spectrum. Anger might be triggered when a loved one does something that frustrates us. It tends to come and go and doesn’t crowd out all our other feelings for that person. We can often voice it in ways that aren’t hurtful. Hatred lasts longer and is more pervasive. It tends to overwhelm us and obscure everything else we might feel. It makes us want to take action, to hurt or destroy whatever inspires the hatred.
”

Hatred makes us want to take action. I don’t think I have ever reached that point with anyone. But, I have experienced deep anger.

And, finally, there is impatience. I have no doubt that I have succumbed to impatience. On some level, impatience stalks me still. I am impatient about finishing tasks or achieving objectives. I often must remind myself to practice patience.

Breaking the loop

This weekend, I bought some ribeyes for the grill. MC started the grill as usual and cooked the steaks. Not wanting to pierce the meat with a thermometer, I have suggested on many occasions that he use the touch test. He refused to do it, insisting that he could tell in his own way (monitoring time). And, yes, sometimes his way works and we have a beautifully cooked steak. But, so often it doesn’t and the steak ends-up over or under cooked. I’ve asked for him to do, or allow me to do, the touch test, but he always resisted this suggestion. Well, it happened again, and the steaks were rare, when medium is our goal. When the steak was done, rested and on my plate, I did the touch test and could tell it was rare. He cut into his and saw, to his surprise, the steak was rare. He put them back on for a few minutes. No big deal. The steak itself is not the real issue here. The issue is that he gets stuck in these loops: first A, then B, then C. These loops cannot be changed or interupted. Even when he finds, time and again, that there is a better way, he cannot break the loop. There are so many examples, but rehashing those is not the point.  The real point is that such loops have permeated many areas of his life. His ability to recognize and break the loop has been very difficult for him. But, this time, he saw it, he really saw it. And, we had a very good conversation about it and I feel it actually brought us closer.

After dinner we played a new (for us) game with our kids. It’s called Ticket-to-Ride. It was a lot of fun and I can see it will be a new family favorite. Then, today, we all went to a local beach, each with our books. We spent the day swimming, reading, and having a lovely (though not very healthy) lunch.

MC is playing Dungeons and Dragons with our kids now. They enjoy doing this activity so much together. As I watch them together, I see them sharing a common interest and enjoyment and it is wonderful to see. This has just been one of those weekends that feels close, that feels good, you know what I mean?

Plan Zed

My best friend in high school and I are no longer friends. She was angry at me for not being who she wanted me to be. She envisioned me as a CEO or professor at a prestigious university and was angry and disappointed in me that I did not become one of those things. And, while, I agree that I professionally could have done so much more with my life, I still feel that she had no right to be angry with me over the choices I made for my own life, that really have nothing to do with her. She couldn’t love me for who I am and that is not a healthy friendship.

I’ve been thinking about this more and realize that MC and my best friend from high school share so much in common in how they approach life. Something is gnawing at me that I am trying to explain to MC, but he just doesn’t seem to get it.

He spent many years quietly seething with anger at me for my not being a virgin upon marriage, or at least for not having significantly less sexual partners than he had prior to marriage. He secretly and illicitly kept searching for the “perfect woman” all the while having me for comfort, friendship and an emotional safety net. I was simply Plan Zed.

He now will tell me that he realizes that no “perfect” woman exists. But, surely there are women out there with far less pre-marital sexual experience, with far fewer partners than he had as a single person. Telling himself that such a woman does not exist, is not really helpful and, in fact, does little to conquer the feeling that I would still be Plan Zed if such a woman ever walked into his life.

He has replied that I am misunderstanding his words and intentions on the above. He explained that every day he chooses love, that he is no longer making comparisons and that he understands that love means to choose to love your partner anyway, in spite of their imperfections.

But, I cannot help but feel, “So, this is the best he can do, be disappointed in my past, but choose to love me anyway.”

Are these two things the same:

1) I am disappointed in your past choices, but I choose to love you anyway.
2) I was wrong to judge your past choices that have nothing to do with me. I love who you are without reservation, without wishing to change a thing about the choices you made that were yours alone to make.

Seeing your partner is not perfect and choosing to love them anyway is applicable and appropriate for those choices that have to do with your life together. But, that is not what MC is doing, or not all that he is doing. It feels too much like what my high school friend did.

Am I expecting too much?

Samson Syndrome Discussion Questions for Personal Reflection, Part Two

I’ll continue with my responses to relevant study questions in Atteberry’s book. What good advice had you rejected, and what happened? Growing up, my father often told me to count my blessings. I didn’t give it much thought until recently. I was not grateful for my secondary or even college education. I failed to study, work hard, and learn. I was not grateful for my wife. I failed to support and care for her as a friend, and I ended up destroying our relationship.   

The second major piece of advice I failed to take was the advice to go to law school instead of going straight into the workforce. Now I’m forced to reinvent myself at age 50 because I don’t have a profession to earn a living now that my job is coming to an end. The third piece of advice I should have taken was a counsel I ignored on two separate occasions: to serve at headquarters rather than taking a third and then a fourth consecutive assignment abroad. The third assignment abroad put me in dangerously close proximity to marriage-destroying temptations. The fourth assignment continued that risky trend. It also put me in a position of responsibility with limited preparation and no support. It did not set me up for a fifth assignment with adequate support and mentoring.

What makes you stubborn? I’ve never thought about this. Am I stubborn? I’m sure my wife would say so. Let me count the ways. It might be easiest to explore this in reverse chronological order. I was stubbornly pessimistic when my wife was telling me to stop being so negative about the future. Why? Fear. I’m truly afraid of the future. I use pessimism to mitigate disappointment, and to remind myself to be vigilant.

Sometimes I have been stubborn when I thought I knew something, even when I did not. For example, I could’ve sworn there was no office supply store in a particular neighborhood once. My wife insisted otherwise. She was right, and I was wrong. I don’t know why I was stubborn about that. I sincerely believed I was right, until proved wrong. Perhaps sometimes I am overconfident about my knowledge. I think I spent much of life assuming I knew more than other people. I habitually underestimated others. I wonder whether perhaps my mother spent too much time telling me I was special, and I spent too much time believing that. Perhaps I then formed the bad habit of overestimating myself and underestimating others.

Perhaps I stubbornly stick to routines too automatically, and perhaps am relatively inflexible. I hate to change my sleeping, eating and exercise patterns. I’m very set in my ways. The routines comfort me. When I must stray from them, I start to doubt myself more than usual.

How did I suddenly change my desire for illicit sex?

And, what’s to stop me from suddenly changing my mind again and figuring that I do want illicit sex? We discuss these questions often. I really have little or no idea how to answer them. Here are my best efforts. For 42 years, I consciously desired illicit sex. I thought it would make me feel I was getting experiences I had unfairly missed earlier in life, that it would be a fair way to give myself physical pleasure as long as no one knew, and that the experiences would make me feel more confident as an adult, to counter the nagging feeling that I was a naïve, inadequate, undesirable child.

My betrayal and selfishness was exposed on D-Day, an experience I found to be shocking and frightening. I faced the serious possibility of losing my marriage, as well as everything else I thought I had in life. All those things I had foolishly failed to appreciate for 42 years were suddenly very real and current to me. I don’t know why. But, it is simply a fact of life that the possibility of losing everything suddenly shocked me into appreciating everything.

It was a life-changing moment of my own making. I suppose it was sudden. What was not sudden was the years of work I then undertook to rebuild my marriage and family, and to build mental health. I won’t go down a laundry list now. I’ve written it all before, in these pages.

So, why would I not just suddenly decide – maybe tomorrow, or maybe 15 years from tomorrow—that I’d really rather have the illicit sex than the marriage, family, and mental health? This is an even tougher question. I simply know in my heart that I do not wish to make such a negative decision. Can I prove that to you? No. Can I explain it to you? Perhaps not. Can I prove it or explain it to myself? I don’t know.

I know I prefer my life and myself today over the double-life I led and the unhappy self I was six years ago. Six years ago I was unhappy about me, exhausted, ungrateful, and self-defeating. Today I am happier about me, more rested and healthier, grateful for what I have, and thoughtful about my decisions. I prefer now to then.

I don’t want to return to then. It’s not worth a fuck, a blow job, a new female body, or a new sexual experience. I don’t want to throw away my current contentment for a one-off, stupid fuck. I don’t. I can’t prove that to you nor to myself. I simply know it.

How do I know it? You tell me. I really don’t know the answer to that question.

Samson Syndrome Discussion Questions for Personal Reflection, Part One

Atteberry’s book offers questions for further study. I’ll pick out those that seem relevant to me, paraphrase them, and answer them. In some cases, I will take a few extra liberties with paraphrasing the following questions to thoroughly de-Christianize them so they can also apply to progressive or non-Christian people. 

What are your personal boundaries, why, and how well do they work? I do not masturbate, and have not done so for nearly six years. Masturbation was a dangerous link to porn and adulterous fantasies. This boundary helps keep my mental focus from drifting into self-defeating areas. I do not use porn, and have not done so for six years. The reasons are the same as for not masturbating, as are the successful outcomes. To avoid temptation toward porn, I also have to remember to limit my time alone on the Internet, and to limit myself to sites free from salacious advertising.

I try to avoid women, except for the most limited, necessary, professional interactions, all of which should occur in plain sight of other people. I try to avoid sitting or standing near women. The reason is to limit possibilities that being near a woman will lead to conversation that could make someone question my attitude toward marital fidelity. I must remind myself, at least daily, to report to my wife any interaction with a woman that might make someone question my attitude as a husband, even if I consider the interaction to be innocent. This boundary is to prevent sliding down a slippery slope. I must remember to call my wife every time I begin my evening commute home, so we both know I am not tempted to stop on route for an adulterous liaison. I must remember to report to my wife every penny I spend, the same day I spend it, so we both know I am not tempted to spend it on an adulterous activity.

Are there any fences you have neglected, and how can you repair them? I don’t believe I am neglecting any fences now. Many, or all, of the fences or personal boundaries I have built have been responses to previous self-defeating, selfish, or unloving behavior of mine.

Have you ever sought greener grass on the other side of the fence, and found it disappointing? Every act of adultery I committed was an example of me seeking greener grass. Every one was disappointing. I cheated on my wife with women who were stupider, more selfish, less sensual, more flat-chested, more irritating, crazier, less educated, less wise, less spiritual, less logical, and less accomplished. And, of course, they had less integrity.

When is sexual desire excessive? This is a good question. I don’t know the answer. Maybe it’s different for different individuals or for different couples. Clearly, it’s excessive if it leads to adultery or making one’s partner feel sexual desire has crowded out other aspects of the relationship. In my case it’s excessive if it leads to covert use of porn or masturbation or adulterous thoughts.

How can parents of young children equip their kids with the knowledge to make healthy and realistic choices about sex? Here’s another good question about which I am not certain. It might be gender-specific too. Is there anything my parents could have done to deter me from a path toward excessive focus on sex? My first thought is of the fact that as a teenager and twenty-something I judged my worth, happiness, and success on my sexual experience and lack thereof. Perhaps my parents and I could have done more to give me alternative measures of worth, happiness, and success—measures such as youth group leadership, sport, extracurricular activities, academic endeavors, and religion. In my case, I wonder whether things such as scouting, a mild dose of structured religious activity, parental enthusiasm about my extracurricular activities, a gentle suggestion in the face of my ambivalence about joining a team, mild encouragement toward any sport, and meaningful consequences for neglecting my academic work may have helped me put all those things and sex in their more healthy perspective rather than allowing all those endeavors to become overshadowed in my mind by thoughts of sex.

Looking back, I recall putting disproportionate time and energy into pursuit of sex and alcohol and correspondingly insufficient investment in other pursuits. Could it have helped had my parents encouraged, or at least not discouraged, interest in girls and dating? Could it have helped had they not treated alcohol and coffee as taboo? I wonder whether depicting those things as forbidden fruits made me focus more on them than I otherwise would have.

On St. Augustine

Intrigued by a reader’s comment, I dug up a Wikipedia article on the early Christian philosopher. Yes, do break beyond the Bible and read from philosophers, be they Christians, Rabbis like Maimonides, Muslims like Ibn Kaldun, ancient Greeks, or others. Here’s an overview of St. Augustine on sexuality:

“For Augustine, the evil of sexual immorality was not in the sexual act itself, but rather in the emotions that typically accompany it. In On Christian Doctrine Augustine contrasts love, which is enjoyment on account of God, and lust, which is not on account of God.[152]Augustine claims that, following the Fall, sexual passion has become necessary for copulation (as required to stimulate male erection), sexual passion is an evil result of the Fall, and therefore, evil must inevitably accompany sexual intercourse (On marriage and concupiscence 1.19). Therefore, following the Fall, even marital sex carried out merely to procreate the species inevitably perpetuates evil (On marriage and concupiscence 1.27; A Treatise against Two Letters of the Pelagians 2.27). For Augustine, proper love exercises a denial of selfish pleasure and the subjugation of corporeal desire to God. The only way to avoid evil caused by sexual intercourse is to take the “better” way (Confessions 8.2) and abstain from marriage (On marriage and concupiscence 1.31). Sex within marriage is not, however, for Augustine a sin, although necessarily producing the evil of sexual passion. Based on the same logic, Augustine also declared the pious virgins raped during the sack of Rome to be innocent because they did not intend to sin nor enjoy the act.[153][154]

Before the Fall, Augustine believed that sex was a passionless affair, “just like many a laborious work accomplished by the compliant operation of our other limbs, without any lascivious heat”; the penis would have been engorged for sexual intercourse “simply by the direction of the will, not excited by the ardour of concupiscence” (On marriage and concupiscence 2.29; cf. City of God 14.23). After the Fall, by contrast, the penis cannot be controlled by mere will, subject instead to both unwanted impotence and involuntary erections: “Sometimes the urge arises unwanted; sometimes, on the other hand, it forsakes the eager lover, and desire grows cold in the body while burning in the mind… It arouses the mind, but it does not follow through what it has begun and arouse the body also” (City of God 14.16).

Augustine believed that Adam and Eve had both already chosen in their hearts to disobey God’s command not to eat of the Tree of Knowledge before Eve took the fruit, ate it, and gave it to Adam.[155][156] Accordingly, Augustine did not believe that Adam was any less guilty of sin.[155][157] “

In addition to being Jewish and believing in God, I also believe in science. As such, the Fall could not have happened literally as described in Genesis. That must be a myth. Instead, the Fall must have been the gradual development of intelligence and emotions as our distant ancestors evolved into Homo sapiens. Does an animal will its penis erect? Or, does it get an erection due to an instinct that makes blood flow there when it sees a female at the right time? Do I will myself to have an erection? Or, does the sight, smell, and touch of a woman under specific conditions trigger an instinct that makes blood flow to my penis? When that happens, am I excited? When that happens to an animal, is the animal excited?

So, I don’t know what I think about St. Augustine’s views. I do, at least, find it a helpful reminder that lust is not love. When I committed adultery, I was too stupid and ignorant to realize the difference. That is what makes me certain that TL is the first and only woman I have ever loved.

Samson Syndrome

I have been reading The Samson Syndrome, by Mark Atteberry. It’s the most relevant and helpful book for unfaithful husbands I have ever read. I recommend it to cheaters so they can use it as a guide for preventing future infidelity and for understanding the true nature and origins of their past infidelity. I recommend it for betrayed wives because it may shed light on questions about their husbands such as: “How could you be so stupid?” “Why would you take such obviously stupid risks?” “How did you not learn those lessons long ago?”

The book is sometimes distracting for non-Christians because it is so intertwined with a Christian world view. As a Jew, I had to mentally replace the noun “Christian” with the word “mensch” every time I encountered it, and use the word “spiritual” in place of the adjective “Christian.”  Otherwise, the book would have been useless to me. I also had to mentally tune-out – not difficult – each reference to the Christian New Testament.

After mentally de-Christianizing the book, I found it very useful. It talks about failings that are common for men: lust, repeating mistakes, dumb risks, ego, ignoring advice, difficulty with intimacy, breaking rules, ignoring boundaries, overestimating one’s own cleverness, employing anger, taking things for granted, and losing sight of the big picture.

Atteberry very briefly says that some people may be addicted to sex. But, overwhelmingly, he talks about how infidelity and other sins flow mostly from men’s own bad choices, choices that too often flow from one or more of the twelve failings described in the book. For each of the twelve failings, Atteberry describes how they dogged Samson, gives examples of how they often challenge ordinary guys all the time, and gives a few suggestions on how to avoid following these failings into bad or disastrous decisions.

Next, I might take a closer look at some of the study questions in the back of Atteberry’s book, and then move on to other books. I will perhaps be even more selective about what I read in the future, now that I know it is possible to find books that go beyond sex addict dogma for infidelity.

Jesus pushers

I am so sick and tired of Jesus pushers. Jesus is not the only way. I am not doomed to failure and hell if I don’t accept Jesus. I am not dooming my children to failure and hell for teaching them that Jesus was just a man, perhaps a Rabbi, and nothing more.

And, the more you press it with me, the more I despise being around you. So, why do you bother? What is the fucking point of trying to convert someone who clearly has no interest in converting?

And, as I recently said, this whole “Jesus is the only way” crap reminds me so much of why I am so damn uncomfortable with SA and 12-step. Because far too many within that community insist it is the best way, it is the only way, and anyone who seeks something different is in denial and doomed to fail. It just reminds me too much of replacement theologists who try to convert us to Christianity. Except instead of SA and 12-step, it is Jesus – Jesus is the best way, the only way and you are in denial and doomed to hell if you don’t convert. It is just too similar of a message and I find it fucking creepy and its own form of arrogance.

Love a rock, worship a rock, believe in a rock for all I care, just stop throwing your damn rock at others.

Ok, sorry, just needed to get that off my chest!

 

Acceptance

I read a post from Elle over at Betrayed Wive’s Club regarding acceptance. My first reaction was to believe that I have reached acceptance in my mind, but not my heart. But, then, I really put some deeper thought into that question and realized something. I have accepted the past in heart and mind. I will never like it, as Elle explained so beautifully, we never can and never will “like it.”  I have, however, accepted it happened, it cannot be changed, and finally, I no longer waste my time with the “would’ve, should’ve, could’ve and if onlys” of the past. Acceptance of the past is not my problem.

My problem is acceptance of the present and future. I accept MC wants to be a better man, husband, father and friend. I accept MC is learning to count his blessings in a way he never did prior to d-day. I accept MC is digging and learning about the sources of his self-pity and entitlement complex and learning to rewire his thought processes away from such negativity and toward gratefulness and humility. But, I am afraid to accept that I am in a safer place now. I am afraid to accept that I will be better able to see those red flags if they ever do occur again. I am afraid to accept the risk of bringing down the wall I have built to protect myself.

I am framing this in terms of acceptance, but perhaps what I am really speaking of is fear. Fear of being fooled again by anyone. Fear of being knocked down again by anything or anyone. And, I know I cannot continue to live my life in fear. I feel it eating away at me, but I do not know how to overcome it. For the life of me, I don’t know how to overcome it.

Perhaps, it is about acceptance after all. Acceptance of fear, of the risk that life has no guarantees, that I will be hurt again by someone and/or something. Perhaps it is not about overcoming these fears, but rather not allowing myself to be paralyzed by them. Perhaps, I need to stop trying to overcome them and make them disappear, but instead learn to accept these fears as a part of me and my life and learn to  live, laugh and love in spite of them. I really don’t know.

Larry the Lobster

When I was young, I was traumatized by a memory of a skit on SNL regarding Larry the Lobster. I was sure I remembered the memory of the skit correctly. I recently looked it up and had it all wrong. It was Eddie Murphy, not Andy Kaufman. The viewers voted to save Larry’s life, not kill him. I had a memory of Larry boiling on live tv. It didn’t happen. I had a memory of a montage regarding Larry’s family. I find no indication that such montage existed. In the end, Larry’s life did end. During the following week’s show, Eddie  Murphy presented an already boiled lobster, supposedly Larry, for he and the Weekend Update cast to eat. But, only after and in response to an exceptionally racist letter regarding the skit.

So, why does this matter at all? Because the realization that even my own memories are untrustworthy has blindsided me. I don’t know why it should be such a surprise, this was a memory from over 35 years ago. Of course, our memories from that long ago might not be wholly accurate. Somehow, the realization that I have no trustworthy source of memories has me feeling uneasy. My parents are dead. My brother has blocked out most of our childhood. My memories apparently aren’t as clear as I believed them to be. My entire married life and memories were lies. I don’t know where I’m going with this. I’ve been really sick with a bad cold this week and in a medicine haze, so maybe that is influencing my mindset in some really outlandish way.

Expectations

I’m reading Fighting for Your Marriage, by Markman, Stanley, and Blumberg. It has a lot of good advice about communication, such as using the speaker-listener technique. It also has a thought-provoking—for me – discussion about expectations. A set of exercises asks me to think about several specific topics, listed below, to identify my expectations, be sure we have discussed them as a couple, and evaluate how realistic they are. While I’m at it, I’m sure I can identify some that are different now compared to the early part of our marriage. When evaluating how realistic each expectation seems, I will – per the instructions—rate them parenthetically on a scale of one to 10, with one meaning very unrealistic and 10 meaning very realistic. 

Longevity of relationship. I expect this marriage to last forever. That is realistic. (9)

Sexual fidelity. I expect complete fidelity from both of us, meaning no extramarital physical contact or non-physical flirting. This should have been realistic. (9) However, given my own hurtful history of infidelity, I have discussed with TL that I can no longer justifiably expect fidelity from her. Yes, I did expect complete mutual fidelity from day one. However, I then made a series of repeated conscious corrupt decisions to betray not only her expectations of me, but also my own expectations of myself.

Love. I expect complete and never-ending love from both of us. However, given my own hurtful history of infidelity, I have discussed with TL that I can no longer justifiably expect love from her. Yes, I did expect complete mutual love from day one. This should have been realistic. (9) However, I then made a series of repeated conscious corrupt decisions to betray not only her expectations of me, but also my own expectations of myself. Also, I began our marriage with what I now consider to be an inaccurate definition of “love.” Now I understand love as a conscious decision to love the other person and seek the best for them. Before, I thought love was an innate aspect or set of aspects of the other person that makes me happy or satisfies my needs or desires.

Sexual relationship. Frequency, practices, and taboos. I don’t know what to expect on this topic now, for two reasons. First, I came into the marriage with unstated, unlimited, and unrealistic expectations on frequency and nature of sex. I expected sex on demand, daily or more often, with little or no foreplay, and including oral sex. That was unrealistic. (2) It did not match TL’s expectations. Second, following my long history of repeated corrupt decisions to be unfaithful, I’m not sure what I should realistically expect.

Romance. I have, and had, no expectation of romance. Regardless of my past and present behavior, I know TL expects romance, and expects me to figure out what that means at any given time.

Children. We, as far as I can tell, are both happy with our two children. We did begin our marriage with different expectations about children, but we gradually resolved those differences to our mutual satisfaction, in my view.

Work, career, and income. I expect that I will be allowed to find a way to work – even just a little bit – until the day I die. It gives me personal satisfaction. I think that is a realistic expectation. (8) I would like TL to work – even just a little bit – as long as she is willing and able. It appears to me that she is mentally healthier when she works. That also seems a realistic expectation. (8) I do not have particular expectations about whose career should get priority or who should earn more.

Emotional dependency. I expect us each to be responsible for our own emotional health, but each to desire to help support the other emotionally when possible. I believe that is a realistic expectation. (8) I believe I began the marriage with the unrealistic expectation that TL – or even marriage itself—would resolve my emotional problems for me. (1)

Approach to life, loyalty, communication and problems., power, and control. I expect us to be a team, totally loyal to each other, and making significant decisions together. I expect open, honest, and early communication, as needed. I expect us to share power and control of everything equally. That is realistic. (9) Yes, I did expect that from day one. However, I then made a series of repeated conscious corrupt decisions to betray not only her expectations of me, but also my own expectations of myself.

Household tasks. I expect TL to load the dishwasher. I expect to unload the dishwasher. I expect to take out the garbage and replace empty toilet paper dispensers. I otherwise expect us each to do what we can when we can to keep the house, dishes, and clothes clean and tidy, and keep on top of various errands and responsibilities related to the household, including pets, cars, children, and other things. That is realistic. (9)

Religious beliefs and observances. We have similar, compatible, realistic expectations about this that have evolved over time with mutually-satisfying discussion. (9)

Time together. I think I began our marriage with the unrealistic and unstated expectation that we would spend every possible moment together. (3) I was possessive, jealous, and threatened at the thought of her spending time with friends, others, or even herself. I didn’t have healthy practices for organizing my own time. Gradually, I over-corrected, spending less and less time with TL and more and more time on adultery and other selfish pursuits. I think that was my childish way of pouting about my incorrect belief that TL owed me more sex and flattery. Now, in contrast, I do try to spend every possible moment with TL. But, I am no longer jealous or threatened when TL chooses to spend time without me. I think now I have a more realistic, but perhaps unstated, expectation that we can each have a little time each day to work on personal tasks. (7)

Sharing feelings. I expect us to want to share our feelings with each other, and to be safe and supportive of each other in that regard. Notwithstanding my regrettable long years of intentional deceit and emotional distance, I think this is a realistic expectation. (7)

Friendship. I expect us to be true friends, forever. Notwithstanding my regrettable long years of not being a friend to TL, I think this is a realistic expectation. (8)

Little things. I can’t think of any expectations in this category.

Forgiveness. I expect us to forgive each other. This may not be a realistic expectation. (5) I did not forgive TL for not being perfect in the first part of our marriage. Though she had done nothing that should require forgiveness, I was unforgiving. Also, it may not be possible for TL to forgive me for my years of adultery, deceit, and betrayal.

Other relationships. As an unfaithful spouse, some or all of what I say on this topic may sound unbelievable or hypocritical. I began the marriage expecting we would both leave all previous relationships in the past. That was probably realistic and reasonable. (7) I also had the unrealistic, one-sided, unreasonable expectation that she would never again communicate with a previous lover, even openly and platonically, and that she would magically make all my feelings of inferiority to her previous lovers disappear. (1) I had the unrealistic, one-sided, and unreasonable expectation that she would end relationships with girlfriends simply because I felt threatened by any reminders of her social life before me. (1) Now, after learning my lesson the hard way, I have rid myself of those unrealistic, unfair, and unreasonable expectations.

As a crappy husband with a history of serial cheating, I had a bad record of being uncaring, not recognizing TL, breaking my commitment, lacking integrity, and not accepting TL. Regardless, and especially now, I do expect we will both care for each other, recognize each other, honor our commitments, accept each other, and behave with integrity. I think that is realistic. (9)

Chicken or egg?

 

I’ve started and stopped many times on writing a new blog post. I think I have something to say, only to find I really don’t, or at least not anything that is relevant or interesting. So, perhaps that is not a bad thing. I don’t know. So, sorry, it seems I only write when processing something I am unable to process on my own.

We recently went on vacation. It was nice. We were in a new city, with big beautiful everything, lots of new experiences for us as a family. During this all, we had an incident where youngest son was lost for a brief time. We were on our way to one of these experiences, our tickets reserved ahead for a set time. It was located in a large crowded place. The boys needed to use the bathroom. So, I waited at the entrance of our next experience, while MC took the boys to search for a bathroom. Our youngest finished before MC and our oldest son. MC told him to walk back to me by himself. The bathroom was not in visual distance of me. Our son got lost. When MC and our oldest returned to me our youngest was not present. I was scared to death. Our 10 year old son was lost in a crowded place, in a city where he knew nothing and nobody. We found him. All was ok. He asked people for help and they gave it to him. But, I couldn’t help but feel like there is a lack of judgement within MC. He has this instinct to put time and schedules above all else, even the safety of our children. And, in the end, it took MORE time searching for our lost son than if he had remained in MC’s presence the entire time, instead of being sent ahead.

Here’s the thing, I have a habit of asking myself, “What is the worst that could happen?” This little question has encouraged me to not worry so much about some things and to determine it is not worth the risk about other things. Clearly, before d-day, MC never asked himself this question. And, sadly, even after d-day, he still struggles to ask himself this question. Is he capable of knowing what is safe and what is unsafe?

For MC’s whole life, even today, his mom constantly asks “is it safe?” about everything, even minuscule things that are clearly safe, but also those things that are not clearly safe. Is he unable to ask this question of himself because of her constant badgering about “is it safe?” OR does she constantly badger about this because she knows he has no concept of what is safe and what is not. I really don’t know anymore.

Capurnican psychology

I think I noticed something about people. As infants, we think we are the center of the universe. When do we learn that we are distinct from other people or other creatures? I’m not sure. But, at first, when we see ourselves as distinct, we typically initially judge ourselves to be more important than everyone else and everything else. At least, I believe that was my initial view when I was a young child. Are there people who some degree of neglect or abuse convinces they are not the most important thing in the universe? I don’t know.   

In my case, my parents gave me plenty of attention, reinforcing my initial belief that I was the most important thing. For people like me in this regard, some may continue to believe, for the rest of their lives, that the universe revolves around them. That is a subconscious belief, I think, impervious to rational, conscious learning about physics, biology, society, politics, workplaces, schools, families, morality, and God.

Others may eventually experience a lesson, or series of lessons, that humbles them, making them finally question their belief that they are the center of the universe. For some, maybe they experience that in military boot camp, addiction recovery, or sudden and catastrophic loss of financial or emotional support. For me, I experienced it through destroying my marriage, almost losing it, and knowing that it was all my own fault.

Now when I look at people at work or in the grocery store, I am constantly reminded that if I die or move away, if I am happy or sad, if I succeed or fail, their lives will go on, largely unaffected. If there are people stronger or weaker than me, smarter or stupider, more or less attractive, more or less experienced, bigger or smaller, better or worse at giving sexual arousal or sexual pleasure, who cares? They’ll get a new co-worker or see another stranger in the grocery store. One hundred years from now, a few people will infrequently recall that I existed. A million years from now, if there are any people here, they will likely not think often about my society. And, there will come a time when my species and my planet will cease to exist.

In that context, what should some stranger, neighbor, colleague, or even my spouse have to do to ensure that I am happy and that I do not mourn some real or imagined injustice? Nothing. Not a damned thing. The only person who really has to worry about my happiness and my sense of justice is me. And, I can even choose not to worry about those things. I don’t have to be happy. Life doesn’t have to treat me fairly. I can choose what I want to do, think, and even feel, and just get on with it. I’m not the center of the universe. That frees me from worrying about what people think of me. It also frees them, unless they choose otherwise, from thinking about me.

Negative perceptions

Here’s how I thought about my wife before D-day. If she loved me she would give me sex. (We did have sex. I just did not appreciate it, and would always want more.) If she was attracted to me she would give me sex. If she loved me she would be attracted to me. I was emotionally needy, needing assurance that I was attractive and lovable.   

If I am happy with my body, mind, and moral self, perhaps it doesn’t matter whether I am attractive or loved. I don’t need any substitutes for being happy with my body, mind, and moral self. What do you think?

What went wrong with me?

Let’s figuratively take out a blank sheet of paper and a fresh pencil and write down some simple thoughts. I’ve spent six years now trying to figure out what to think, write, read, say, and do about the fact that I was a serial adulterer and liar. Though I’ve made some progress, I want to check my bearings by starting over, at the beginning. What went wrong with me? Why was I a bad father to my sons, a bad husband to my wife, a bad boyfriend to my college girlfriend, a bad son to my parents, and a bad custodian of myself?

My first thought on this is that, unlike today, I was not happy with my body, my mind, and my moral self. For my first two decades, I bemoaned my physical inadequacy without taking responsibility nor action, without accepting what I could not change and acting on what I could change. For all my education and supposed intelligence, for my first four decades I took my mind for granted. I didn’t appreciate how much personal satisfaction and self-confidence I could experience from enjoying mental and academic pursuits for their own sake. For my first four decades and more, I didn’t even think about having a moral self. I didn’t even think to ask myself whether I might be able to generate some confidence and peace by choosing some values such as responsibility, compassion, integrity, and courage.

What were the ill effects of failing to invest daily in my body, mind, and moral self? I was a coward. I was petty. I was jealous. I struggled against people for no coherent reason. I tilted at windmills with no thought as to why. I focused on self-destructive objectives such as sex, alcohol, tobacco, experimenting with drugs (briefly, prior to marriage), and porn for their own sake. Not feeling confidence about my body, mind, and moral self, I hoped to feel it by pursuing sex and substances. Now I see that sex and substances are fats and condiments while body, mind, and moral self are the meat and potatoes of life. Sex and substances are lawn gnomes and wind chimes while body, mind, and moral self are the foundation, pillars, and roof.

Now what? Now, I think, I just need to give daily attention to nurturing my moral self, the same way I give my body and mind daily care and use.

Seeking others’ pity to be happy

Here’s a passage from the book Making Peace with Your Parents that made me think. 

Quote:

“For anyone who grew up with a martyr parent, it is essential to recognize that guilt is self-punishment you don’t deserve. In truth, Julie had neither caused nor could remedy her mother’s emotional distress. To illustrate how guilt operates and to help Julie stop blaming herself for her mother’s self-critical and self-destructive habits, I stood up in the middle of one of our sessions and walked to the window. “Now, if I jumped out this window head-first and splattered myself on the pavement below, killing or crippling myself, would it be your fault?” Julie laughed and said, “Of course not.”

“But what if I left behind a note that described how Julie looked at me the wrong way, that Julie only thinks about herself, or that Julie wasn’t living up to my expectations of progress in psychotherapy? Then would it be your fault?”

Julie hesitated for a moment before she replied, “No, it would still be ridiculous. I’m not the one who made you jump.”

End quote.

Why did the foregoing passage give me pause? I think the idea of trying to make others feel responsible for my happiness is familiar. I’ve done that; tried to make my wife, girlfriend, peers, family, and even strangers feel as sorry for me as I felt for myself. I thought, or hoped, that upon seeing my misery – self-created or otherwise—they would be moved to give me liberties, flattery, sexual attention, or service. When did I start doing that? I seem to recall sitting alone in my room as a child or adolescent, hoping my parents would feel sorry for me and that they would then remove some unseen barrier that kept me from socializing with peers.

As an aside, perhaps, I can now look back on my lonely youth with a new perspective. The new perspective comes from being a parent of a teenager myself. As a teenager, was it really just that my parents kept me from going out and socializing? Perhaps there was more to it. Perhaps I didn’t socialize much with some peers because we didn’t have enough common interests. On the other hand, there was the question of how and where would I socialize with peers. I didn’t want to talk to them on the phone because I feared my parents were eavesdropping, prying, and commenting on everything. I didn’t want to invite peers to my house for similar reasons. Were my parents socially isolating me, or was I doing it to myself?

And, where might I have learned that habit of trying to make others pity me so I could turn their pity to my advantage? I think my mother modeled that type of thinking, with her lifelong, constant refrains of, “Why doesn’t anyone do something for my family?” Perhaps I then continued the unhealthy strategy well beyond my elementary school years because I saw it as easier than taking responsibility for my own happiness.

List of resentments

I am now reading a book called Making Peace with Your Parents: The Key to Enriching Your Life and All Your Relationships. One of its first exercises says to make a list of all your resentments toward your parents. Here’s mine. 

1. I resent that you did not let me do things for myself, even simple things like getting lights and doors.

2. I resent that you sent me to the church, but that you did not participate. Incidentally, I recall now that you did not drive me there. Grandpa drove me there.

3. I resent that you did not let me listen to radio stations or watch television shows my peers experienced.

4. I resent that you did not allow me to choose my clothes as an adolescent.

5. I resent that we did not interact with other people very much. I think it contributed to me feeling scared and awkward around people.

6. I resent that you did not give me chores or responsibilities. I think it made me take things for granted and be ungrateful.

7. I resent you, mother, for basically teasing me about being a teenager, making me feel it was some reason to feel ashamed or estranged.

8. Mother, I resent you for frequently criticizing every girl I ever dated, making me feel I had to hide my relationships.

9. Mother, I resent you constantly criticizing my wife and doing things to make her seem separate from me.

10. Mother, I resent your frequent, intense, desperate harassment to make me accept my father chaperoning my wife and me across the country.

As I attempted to make this list, I found that some of my regrets were not resentments directed at my parents. Rather, I resented my fate, my own inaction, and myself. The following list covers approximately the first two decades of my life. I have written previously about other regrets from the second part of my life.

1. I regret not just shaving off that damned facial hair on my upper lip that always invited teasing when I was in grade school.

2. I regret not disciplining myself to become better at running and swimming.

3. I regret being so scared and shy.

4. I regret not asking for help with wetting my pants.

5. I regret teasing people until they retaliated.

6. I regret believing in Santa Claus longer than my peers did due to my fear of hurting my parents’ feelings.

7. I regret not finding piano songs I enjoyed.

8. I regret that I did not do my homework.

9. I regret that I feared my parents’ expectations about the spelling bee.

10. I regret that I did not try the wrestling team.

11. I regret not learning about fitness and nutrition sooner.

I’m only at the beginning of this book. I don’t know whether it will address the fact that I inadvertently came up with as many resentments not related to my parents as resentments regarding my parents.

What does that tell us? I’m not sure. I think it says that my problems with insecurity and jealousy were not really about my parents. Rather, they were about my relationship with myself.

Owing versus loving

I’ve been very sad recently as a thought keeps gnawing at me.

Everything MC has done has been out of a sense of “making it up to me” and a sense of “obligation.” Basically, any romance he gives is based on owing me, any gifts he gives is based on owing me, any love he gives me is based on owing me.

He did things for and with affair partners in attempt to “seduce” them. He didn’t do it because he “owed” them something. He did it because he wanted them. And, he did it easily, freely, on his own accord. Not from a sense of guilt, not because he was asked to, not because some counselor suggested he should do so, but simply because he decided.

I don’t know if this makes any sense to anyone but me. But, here I am.

Practicing empathy

I wrote recently about another stupid thing I did. Some woman sat next to me on a plane. I went to great effort to avoid looking at her or speaking with her. She was uninteresting physically and mentally. She started small talk. I kept it professional. She gave me her card. I stupidly forgot to tell TL about it.   

A few days later, I e-mailed the woman to give her my contact information. I had promised I would do so, and I had stupidly thought the potential connection would be useful to my family. I again stupidly forgot to tell TL.

Fortunately, the woman never replied. Unfortunately, TL saw that I had failed to tell her about the incident. It was wrong of me to forget. But, I did forget.

I did not lie, nor act deceitfully. Nonetheless, I failed TL, leaving her frightened and worried.

I asked my counselor how to not forget things like this. One suggestion was to improve my empathy with how TL would see such incidents. I have been working on empathy. I have a long way to go.

I just read “The Empathy Workout,” by Martha Beck. She talks about listening. I’m working on that. I have room to improve, but I have come a long way. She offers a technique she calls reverse engineering, mirroring someone’s expressions (in private) to try to feel what they felt when they spoke. She suggests something she calls shape-shifting, mentally transforming into the other person (also in private) to understand how they feel as they do what they do. Finally, she suggests what she calls meta-tation, privately, regularly meditating on thoughts of goodwill toward the other person.

Maybe I should start there, with Beck’s suggestions. I welcome other suggestions.

Read Chump Lady’s book

Taking the advice of one of our readers, I just read Tracy Shorn’s Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: Chump Lady’s Survival Guide, front to cover. TL and I have long talked about Chump Lady, her blog, and her philosophy. I’m glad I finally read the whole thing. 

I’m not going to critique it. Why? I really could not find anything with which I disagree in the whole book. It’s well written, with an readable style, and I was not distracted by its grammatical imperfections or bombastic language.

Read it. If you’re a chump, to use her terminology, read it to help yourself. If you’re a cheater like me, again from her terminology, read it to see the chump’s perspective better.

I hope I’m the unicorn Chump Lady calls the remorseful cheater. I love TL, and I did not love her before I learned how to love. I hate what I did to her. Every act of infidelity on my part was a conscious decision. Every lie was a conscious decision. Now, I have consciously decided to try to be loving, honest, empathetic, and wise. I fail at those things often. But, I consciously try to improve. I don’t know how to improve, but I read, research, talk to my counselor, and think about it a lot, every day.

I do love TL, and I am sorry I cheated and lied.

So, Chump Lady says TL should divorce me. I am trying to be her unicorn. I don’t want to lose TL. I also don’t want TL to be frightened and unhappy.

Sick

TL just spent hours caring for me at the hospital and at home. Sadly, it reminded us of when I dropped her off at the emergency room on my way to work instead of taking the day off. She’s a much better spouse than I am, and a much better person. 

Give me something to read

I need some new material for my work on becoming a safer husband for TL. I’ve written, I’ve read, I’ve surfed the Internet. But, much of what I see now I’ve already seen. What’s new on the topic of how to help my wife after my infidelity?

Enmeshed parent?

I’m not sure what direction to take now with my work at becoming a safer husband for TL. I’ve read and written about honesty, empathy, transparency, friendship, and overcoming misogyny. All I can think to do on those topics is to remain vigilant and to train daily –like an athlete training for a game or a student training for a test – to become more adept at those skills. I’ve also thought, read, and written about puritanical upbringing, self-esteem, and proper definitions of love, with an aim to understand the origins of my selfish decisions. 

Meanwhile, we had a recent experience with my parents that may be informative. As I’ve discussed before, I think my mother prevented me from growing up. In her own way, she thought she loved me, I suppose. She wanted to protect me, from everything, always. But, she didn’t realize – or possibly didn’t care – that what would truly be better for me – and therefore truly more loving—would be to encourage me to grow up. Perhaps this is relevant because my immaturity made me view gender, sex, and marriage selfishly. Perhaps my mother also incorrectly modeled love. To her, love was possession rather than caring.

I am reminded of this by a recent event in which my parents demonstrated that they cannot stop disrespecting my decision to marry, my choice of wife, and my decision to have children. For some biologically paradoxical reason, my parents seem to have wanted me to remain a child and to die unmarried and childless. Why would any parent want such things? If I died childless, their bloodline would also die.

I suspect racism is one part of the answer. One reason my parents won’t accept TL and my sons is that TL is not of their preferred ethnicity. But, I don’t think that’s the only reason. My parents also did not seem to want me to grow up or to marry at all.

In this most recent situation, my parents managed two simultaneous modes of disrespecting my family. First, they sent a note saying “Merry Christmas.” I’m sure some of our friends and readers are Christian. Please understand that every single year, for 24 years, I’ve politely told my parents, “We don’t celebrate Christmas,” “We don’t celebrate Easter,” “We don’t eat pork,” “and “We don’t eat shellfish.” And, every single year, for 24 years, my mother has tried to play ignorant, asking, “Can’t you just eat some pork loin?” “Oh, really, you don’t celebrate Christmas?” “Don’t the kids want some Easter candy?” and “Why won’t you eat shrimp?” How hard can it be for my mother to get it? It’s been 24 years.

Second, my parents sent me two toys for my birthday, which falls in December. They sent nothing for my sons, who typically receive Chanukah gifts from other relatives in the same timeframe. This angered me because grandparents ought to be focused on grandchildren, not obsessing on their adult son while trying to pretend his children don’t exist.

This is the same mother who once made a big scene of purchasing four funeral plots: one for her, one for my father, one for me, and one for my brother. This was years after TL and I married.

My parents also obsessively talk about all the crap – and it is just crap – that I might supposedly inherit when they die. Once when my mother was listing such crap to TL, my wife mentioned something about our children. My mother shot back with, “No, these things are not for your kids. They’re for my son.” What? Am I supposed to be buried with my mother’s knick-knacks and bric-à-brac that she wills me – like some pharaoh—rather than will them, in turn, to my own sons? If I’m so damned important to my mother, why are my sons not important to me? Is it just the racism? Or, is it that she is primarily focused on controlling me, not on loving me?

In any case, I think it’s relevant here because that’s what I did to TL for 18 years: I focused on controlling her rather than loving her. In general, I am training to become less focused on control.

What now?

It’s been over five years since TL discovered my 18-year history of lying and cheating. We’ve filled the recent years with polygraph tests, counseling, studying, and blogging. TL is understandably still traumatized, afraid of being hurt or deceived again, afraid of details of our history she does not know, and angry at the betrayal and injustice I caused. I am working to stop answering with thoughtless, panicked untruths when she confronts me with questions, and to start seeing everything I do through her eyes and changing my behavior accordingly.    

She still questions me about details of the affairs and reasons for my behavior. My sincere responses that “I don’t know” or “I don’t remember” make her blood boil. Despite my efforts, I still do thoughtless things and fail to do helpful things. Most recently, I mindlessly failed to brief her on a woman who sat next to me on a plane, and again when I e-mailed the woman with my contact information, in what I thought was a routine work-related encounter but what must have appeared to TL as an attempt on my part to establish an illicit relationship. Before that, I let my insecure and jealous demons speak for me when TL trusted me enough to discuss a violation that had occurred before we met. I jumped to victim blaming instead of empathy and support.

I have identified why I cheated and lied, and how to prevent recidivism. My puritanical upbringing left me insecure and resentful in the face of the modern world. Insecurities about my body, and a badly-distorted perspective on the roles of sex and gender in our lives contributed to my sense of entitlement and jealousy. Prevention means being grateful for everything and everyone in my life; being humble; being empathetic, compassionate, and loving; and keeping sex and gender roles in a healthy perspective.

So, now what? When does she decide that staying with me is no longer necessary nor worth it? How, specifically, can I make myself more attentive to her and less instinctively self-protective or self indulgent?

How to stop lying to yourself and to your partner

I read an article by this name by Bella Rayne at lovepanky.com. Here’s the one suggestion it offered that seems promising. 

“Don’t answer too fast. It’s alright to take time to think. Compulsive liars don’t think before they talk. Lies just flow out even before they make up their mind about whether they want to lie or tell the truth.”

It also offered one possible explanation for my habit of lying that makes sense to me.

“Why do you lie so much? In most cases, it could be childhood experiences or a life altering experience that convinced your mind to start lying. In my case, it was my angry, ill tempered father who always had an opinion about everything I did.

When I was a child, he would always yell at me every time I told the truth that I had forgotten something or overlooked something else. I learnt that it was just easier to lie than look like an idiot in front of him. And that stuck in my mind. A perfect lie could get me away from all my troubles with the slightest effort.”

In my case, it was my mother rather than my father, who was controlling and critical.

Where are we? I don’t know.

Where are we? I don’t know.

He admits he has a problem with lying when he feels panic.

While he promises me honesty, he cannot promise me that he will not instinctively lie when in a panic. I respond, then how in the world is it you are promising me honesty?

He says he promises to learn to identify his panic mode, and to own up to any lie immediately when he realizes what he’s done. He promises to work on eliminating this instinct. But, in wanting to be honest with me, he cannot promise it will never happen again as he learns to extinguish this behavior.

He promises to never keep things from me. But, cannot promise he will not “forget” ever again. He promises to take some very specific steps to make it unlikely he will forget. But, again, he cannot promise he will not “forget” ever again.

When he discusses his steps to remembering me, I cannot help but feel that he has to include me on his “to-do” list to not forget me. And, that leaves me feeling like he does not love and respect me enough to think about me, unless forced to do so or reminded by some “to do” list to do so.

So, where are we? I don’t know.

 

Why did I tell affair partners that I had cheated before, on numerous occasions?

My second affair partner (AP2) once asked me whether I had cheated on my wife before. I said that I had. I think I recall her then asking whether I had cheated once or more than once. I think I recall responding that I had cheated many times, which was true in view of my first affair and my history with prostitutes. A similar conversation played out with my third and final affair partner (AP3). 

Why did I tell them that?

I don’t know. I welcome your ideas.

My theory was that I told those APs I had cheated before because I wanted to hear myself say it. Perhaps I wanted to believe I was a desirable man, and hoped very briefly that saying I had been with several women would make me think that. I don’t know if that makes sense. If that was what I intended, it only worked for about one second, the amount of time it would take to recall that most of my sexual experiences had just been purchased from prostitutes. So, perhaps the theory that I wanted to make myself feel sexually experienced doesn’t work.

Did I tell them I had cheated often so as to demonstrate great disrespect for TL? No. That was not my intent. I get, however, that it was the effect. When I think about it, maybe I was trying to say the following to the APs: “I cheat often, and have no moral qualms about it. So, you, AP, should also have no moral qualms about our adulterous relationship. Please, AP, don’t suddenly grow a conscience and stop giving me sex.”

In fact, the relationship with my first affair partner (AP1) did gradually peter out with signs that she was struggling with her last vestiges of a conscience. I suspect she eventually realized that she did not want to invest more time and energy into me when all she got from me was covert sex, and that what she really wanted was a normal relationship that did not have to be covert. Perhaps that shaped my behavior with AP2 and AP3, with me trying to convince the APs that there was nothing wrong with our adulterous relationships.

When I told the APs I had cheated before, was this a signal from me to APs that I did not respect TL and that I wanted them to also disrespect her? I can see that’s how it appears to TL. It likely appeared that way to the APs as well. Though it is not what I actively intended, I see how that is probably the message I unthinkingly conveyed. I understand that from TL’s view my acts of sex with other women were small potatoes next to my lies and next to those disrespectful messages about her I conveyed, intentionally and actively or not.

TL, I think I see that fidelity is not just a question of sex, but also a question of loyally telling you everything honestly as well as of promoting and defending your honor and dignity and the value of our relationship through my words as well as my nonverbal signals. When I apologize for cheating on you, please know that I’m not just apologizing for adulterous sex, but also for disloyal, deceptive, and treacherous behavior.

A stumbling block or a systemic problem?

As you all know MC’s work involves travel and the majority of his cheating occurred when either he was away or the kids and I were away. Not all, but the majority! So, travel is a particularly big trigger for me. One in which I have come a long way, so that I no longer freak-out every time he is away. However, that doesn’t mean he gets to slack off in his diligence, especially in regard to actions in the moment and in regard to informing me of such actions.

Mindless was away for a week. He was seated next to a woman on his flight. She struck up a conversation. She apparently has the ability to issue our family an invite to something we have been wanting to do, but needing an invite in order to do (sorry this is so cryptic, but again with the trying to maintain anonymity).   So, she gave Mindless her business card. He was out of business cards to exchange, so when he returned to work he sent her his work contact information.

Do you know how I found out about this all? I have not looked at his work e-mail in a very long time, I think only two other times since our move here over a year ago. But, kids were at school and Mindless had a day off, so I decided I would look. And, I found the e-mail where he was sending his contact info to a woman he had never told me about. He explained the event and the reason for exchanging information.

He, then, attempted to tell me he was certain he had told me about it. He hadn’t. Then he tells me, he must have mentioned it to a co-worker because he remembers telling somebody about it. I, then, asked him why he would share that he was exchanging information with a woman he met on the airplane to his co-worker and not to me? Was he wanting to brag about meeting some woman? He quickly changed his tack, saying “no, maybe I didn’t tell my co-worker.”

He tells me he panicked and he couldn’t remember exactly what happened and who he told, he was struggling with remembering the truth. I explained (AGAIN), that’s the thing about truth, it is easy to remember when not trying to “make shit up.” We proceeded to have a discussion about “making shit up.” I need a husband who does NOT EVER make-up shit for any reason!!!! That is the coward’s way out. If he wants to truly be a “man,” in my view, it means not being a coward and NEVER “making shit up.” For G-d’s sakes, just be honest with me, just be honest. His “truth” now is that he intended to tell me, but forgot.

He remembered to e-mail her, so basically he “forgot” twice, once right after it happened and again when he sent the e-mail. Now, he is telling me, “sorry” and “I know it was wrong.” “There was no malicious intent.” “I wish I had told you as it happened, I really intended to do so.” “I should have cc’d you on the e-mail, I just didn’t think of it.”

All of you know how I struggle with wanting all the pre d-day details and MC assuring me he has told me everything he can remember. At the minimum, this just further points out to me how little effort he puts in to “remembering” details that he may think of as trivial, but I would find not so trivial. It, also, reaffirms to me that transparency is only as good as he decides to make it. And, at the worst, there was nefarious intent and he is gas-lighting me again.

And, again, I find myself asking is this “a stumbling block” in his “work” from which he can learn and improve, or a systemic problem that he is unable or unwilling to change?

His solution, to bcc me on every damn work e-mail that involves a woman. Sorry, the last thing I want is my in-box flooded with his work e-mails. Why is this so fucking hard? Clearly he can see the difference between the woman on the airplane e-mail and back-and-forth e-mails about clearly work-related issues?!

I find myself wondering, maybe he really does not want me to find peace, maybe he doesn’t really care if I feel safe. After all, this would have been such an easy “win” for him, to tell me about the woman on the plane and cc me on the e-mail. What an opportunity to build trust! Why are such opportunities so trivial to him, unless there is more to this story he is not sharing?

Why was I so nice to that affair partner?

Here’s a question I still can’t answer, after more than five years of actively trying to understand. Maybe you can help me.

Maybe I’v even written about it before. I can’t remember.

When TL caught me cheating, I e-mailed that third and final affair partner a message telling her the affair was over. I then showed TL the e-mail.

Here’s what I think the e-mailed should have said: “M, this affair is over. Stop all communication with me immediately and forever. I told my wife the truth, that I love her and only her, and that my relationship with you was a shamefully wrong choice on my part. You are nothing to me, and my wife is the center of my world.”

Instead, it said something like the following. My memory is not so keen, so I will paraphrase: M, I’m sorry, but it’s over. I now know I made the right decision by returning to my family. I hope you will also return to your family.”

So, here’s my question. Why was I so nice to that affair partner (AP) in that e-mail?

I really don’t know.

Did I wish to avoid hurting the AP’s feelings because I cared for her? No. Every time I tell TL that I did not give a damn about that AP’s feelings, TL does not believe me. I’m not lying to TL. Am I lying to myself?

Was I afraid the AP would get angry and try to do something vengeful? I don’t know. Maybe. I’m really not sure.

Did I want the AP to carry away the thought that she almost tempted me away from TL? I don’t think so. I really don’t think so.

Is there some other point or possibility that I’m missing here? I’d really welcome your thoughts.

Meditations

When trying to eat healthy, I find it more useful to focus on positive habits instead of focusing on eliminating negative things. Though I clearly want to cut carbohydrates, fats, and calories, I don’t worry too much about telling myself not to eat certain things. Instead, I focus on healthy things I do want to eat. I find, for example, that if I work actively to drink enough water and eat enough produce and healthy protein sources, there’s little or no room left in my belly for cookies, cakes, and other garbage. The good things crowd out the bad things to a point where I don’t even want the bad things.

A similar strategy helps me with using time wisely. I focus on putting enough time each day into family, mental and moral health (for lack of a better term), work, volunteer activities, and fitness – in roughly that order of priority. I then have little or no time left for idleness, self-pity, temptation, or other self-defeating things. The good activities crowd out the bad, to a point where doing good things becomes a habit and a virtuous cycle.

I really think a similar strategy helps me prevent bad thoughts. If I think enough good thoughts, they should crowd out bad thoughts. So, what are these good thoughts? Here my ideas:

Focus on my mate as a friend, not as a possession nor as a means of meeting my needs.

Grow up and accept what I am and what I am not.

Balance aspects of myself: profession or career, God, family responsibility, fitness, intellect and mental pursuits, creativity, friendship, integrity, accomplishments, hobbies, pastimes, things that make me happy.

Re-dedicate myself to balance, friendship, and maturity each day.

Accepting physical limitations and putting them in perspective

TL recently worried that I am too negative about my physical self and that it constitutes dangerous self-pity. My reply was that my recent study in “10 Days to Self-Esteem” taught me at least two ways to deal with feeling inadequate First, I can take a look at my assumptions and be sure they are not resulting from distorted thinking. Second, in cases where I do find myself lacking in some way, I can just accept it instead of wishing it were different. 

I tried listing the negative and positive aspects of myself, physically and sexually. I then listed other positive attributes I have. In both cases, I think I erred by listing my attributes in terms of comparisons to other men. So, I tried again, this time listings attributes as absolute rather than relative. See below.

In that self-esteem book, the author actually suggested assigning numerical values to such lists, to quantify how much significance I assign each item.

Self-assessment of my physical and sexual attributes

Negative things about me physically:

Small (10)

Weak(10)

Small penis (10)

Uncoordinated (10)

Soft features (10)

Not skillful in bed (10)

Total (60)

Positive things about me physically:

Healthy (10)

Fit (10)

Acceptable physique (10)

No awkward features or deformities (10)

Total (40)

Using the numerical values I assigned each item on the list, I arrive at 40 points for my positive attributes and 60 for my negative. So, what if I throw in non-physical and non-sexual attributes?

Other positive attributes I have:

Smart (5)

Wise (5)

Good at speaking and writing (5)

Good at skiing (5)

Educated (5)

Experienced with the world (5)

Attentive parent (5)

Acceptable at swimming (5)

Total (40)

If I add my other positive attributes to my list of positive physical and sexual attributes, I arrive at 80 points. In that case, the combined positive attributes outweigh my negative attributes by a value of 80 points compared to 60.

What’s the point of this exercise? I think it helps me keep my view of my negative physical and sexual attributes in perspective, so I don’t focus on them exclusively or obsessively. Perhaps it helps me accept unpleasant realities without letting them become all-consuming, depressing, or a source of self-pity or despair. Perhaps it will help me to revisit this list whenever I feel troubled by self-doubt regarding my physical attributes.

I want. . .I don’t know

I want to feel alive. I want to feel the butterflies of a first kiss. I am not an Esther Perel fan, in that she too readily excuses lying. Yet, I want all the things Esther Perel uses to justify cheating by cheaters, butterflies from a new relationship, feeling alive, etc. I want to experience these things one more time before I die.

I don’t want to be a cheating liar. I don’t want to be with someone else, who themselves are willing to be a cheating liar. I will never lie to Mindless. I don’t want to be with someone else who would lie to their spouse. I will not hide anything from Mindless. I will not take part in lies to another. However, I cannot promise faithfulness to Mindless.

I want to feel the freedom of being with someone without the mind movies and pain blocking my ability to be at ease, and just be in the moment freely. I want to feel desired by someone who is both honest and confident. I want to feel desired by someone with whom I can feel safe and not worry about being judged for previous experiences, rather just being in that one moment in time together.

When I married Mindless, I accepted he would be my last first kiss, he would be the last person for whom I ever felt  butterflies from a new relationship. I accepted that as part of making the commitment of marriage, knowing he too was doing the same. Well, that is no longer part of the equation.

If I ever act upon these feelings, it will be to allow myself to feel something I haven’t felt in over 20 years.

Sometimes, I think, perhaps it doesn’t have to be about sex. Perhaps, it could just be about experiencing something new and exciting on my own. Almost everything I’ve ever done has been with Mindless. Almost every new and exciting experience has been with Mindless. It is such a habit for me to tell myself I cannot do something without Mindless, if I know it is something he too would enjoy. We all know he cannot say the same! Why am I like this? I think his pre d-day pouting and jealousy of my pre-marital life, which was not anything all that great, created a fear within me, a fear I still struggle to overcome.

Before kids, we were apart for three months due to his job. I stayed behind and continued on with normal life, while I waited for permission to join him (certainly nothing new and exciting or from my own desire). In our first overseas country, I went on a ladies trip to some absolutely gorgeous, and these days completely unaccessible, scenery (the one new and exciting experience in my marriage that did not include Mindless). When I was pregnant with our youngest, I traveled to a neighboring country for a medical check-up. Finally, when a younger cousin married, I went for three days (two were travel days, one full day on the ground for the wedding). And, that is it in the last 24 years, those are the only experiences “on my own” without Mindless and/or kids with me.

Sigh, I don’t know. I don’t know.

Response from Mom

In my last post I shared a hypothetical letter to my mother that my counselor recommended I write. Here’s the hypothetical response I wish she would write: 

Dear MC,

I am sorry I held you back, not allowing you to make decisions and learn independence like normal boys. I did want an eternal child about whom I could boast, not a living, breathing son with his own mind and his own wants and needs. Perhaps you treated your wife as a possession because you learned from me treating you as a possession. I should have wanted to see you learn to choose your own clothes, food, friends, girlfriends, spouse, and activities. Instead, I took those choices from you. It was unfair to you.

You know I was not sure how to deal with the Church. I tried to give you choices in that matter. I really do prefer the lifestyle the Church promotes, and I wanted that for you. I’m sorry that my anger at the Church and so many of it’s members made you think I opposed the Church’s teachings. I do share the Church’s views on sex and morality.

I never knew how to help you build confidence in sports and activities without discouraging you. I’m sorry I got that balance wrong too.

I’m also sorry I burdened you with my attempts to live my life through you. I was unhappy with myself and my life, and I hoped I could change that by getting recognition for your accomplishments. I’m sorry that I put unfair pressure on you.

Though I am very uncomfortable with the topic of sex, I’m sorry I passed my disappointment and unhappiness with that topic to you. Again, I should have made it clear that I believe in the Church’s view of sex and morality. I see, however, that by pushing you to leave our hometown, I was driving you to a life that was not compatible with the Church’s views on those topics.

You could have been more and been more happy had I not held you back. I am sorry.

Love,

Mom

Letter to Mom

My counselor suggested I write a letter to my mother – possibly a letter I will never send – expressing my feelings of injustice about my upbringing. I haven’t had a chance to discuss it with my counselor since I wrote it. I wonder what you think of it. I’m not sure what to think about it. Here it is: 

Dear Mom,

I’m sure it will come as no surprise that there are some things about my upbringing that disappointed me. I think they really led to a lot of jealousy and insecurity on my part. I’ll list them, by way of review. First, since before kindergarten, I long recall thinking I had more restrictions than my peers, whether they be neighbors, classmates, or cousins. I felt overly restricted in my ability to go outside and play, to watch shows and movies that kids my age were watching, to do things for myself rather than have parents do them for me, to associate with peers of my own choosing, to choose my own clothes, and, later, to talk and act freely regarding interest in girls.

This left me with a strong feeling of jealousy, first of elementary school boys my age and, later, of adolescent peers who I assumed had more experience with sex than I did. The jealously led to insecurity. I was certain my peers were better than me at sports and games, more worldly, and more sexually active because I was cloistered and they were not. I figured that made them better, more desirable, or more successful than me. As an adult, I drew on that jealousy and insecurity to justify marital infidelity, cruel judgmentalism, bitterness, pettiness, and disproportionate anger about perceived sleights, regardless of how small or inconsequential.

Of course, I had free will. I could have and should have not chosen to obsess on those feelings of insecurity and jealousy. At this point there is not much to be done about it. I’m not sure what I want now in regards to this topic. Perhaps I want acknowledgement that your over mothering did delay my development and put me at a disadvantage vis-à-vis my peers. I suspect you’ll say you just wanted me to be safe. I’d like to hear anyone other than myself agree with me that you went too far. Safety is not an end, it is a means. I could be one hundred percent safe, but have zero reason to exist. Your focus on safety was extreme and debilitating.

Second, I was troubled by the mixed messages you gave me regarding the Church. I understand that your own experience with the Church made you dislike it and discourage it. But, I was unhappy that you encouraged me to adopt the Church’s values regardless, sending me to Sunday school alone until I was eight, and also teaching me, both through your words and your example, to adopt the Church’s puritanical views of sex and gender roles. I wish you would have just made a decision to raise me as a Mormon or not, rather than trying to be all things to all people. I learned to be uncomfortable and dissatisfied associating with puritanical-minded peers whose life experiences were similar to my own. I also learned to feel insecure and awkward around peers who did not share my puritanical background. I thus felt at home nowhere, alone in every crowd, and too different to fit in. As an adult, I chose a mate who attracted me with her progressive thinking and experiences. I then tormented her with unfair judgments drawn from my puritanical subconscious mind.

I think I do blame you for teaching me two conflicting sets of values and desires. I feel like you set me up to be unhappy. Whichever choice I made – a progressive, modern peer group or a conservative, puritanical peer group—one part of me would be unsatisfied. I say “peer group” instead of wife or mate because, when I think about it, clearly your vision for me was that I would never marry. You wanted me to remain single and childless. You wanted me to remain an eternal child. That’s so self-defeating; not even wanting grandchildren. It’s cruel; like keeping an eagle in a small cage all its life. I can’t think of a reason to address this now, nor a solution to it. Maybe I just want someone to agree with me that this internal conflict you bequeathed me was unhelpful and predisposed me to unhappiness.

Third, I felt you ultimately failed to teach me the importance of fitness or sport. Yes, I resisted. But, I do wish you would have encouraged me more to stick with swimming or martial arts or to try something more versatile such as running. I got the message that it’s okay to not try. I want you to admit that you didn’t place enough value on physical education in my childhood, and that it was not a good way to raise a boy.

Fourth, I got the sense that my accomplishments or lack thereof were about you, not me. For example, when I missed a word at the spelling bee, I recall being more worried about you being upset than about my own view of the situation. Even now I do not feel good talking about my successes, especially the relatively small day-to-day ones, with you because I fear you will overplay them and use them for your own bragging, making you look foolish and making me feel foolish. I also do not feel good about sharing my failures or worries with you. You appropriate those too, moaning about injustice when in fact, the problem is either a normal part of life or the result of some legitimate failing on my part. You going on and on about life being unfair makes me feel you are bemoaning the fact that your son disappointed you, not that you are at all concerned about the effect the situation will have on me.

As a parent, I have to actively remember not to live through my children. Their successes and failures are theirs, not mine. If my son is treated poorly by people or by fate, I don’t want to bitch and whine about people or fate. Instead, I want to hear what he is thinking and feeling and be available to discuss solutions if, and only if, he wants that. For you and I, Mom, please just stop hunting for reasons to brag about me, and stop complaining about injustice when I mention something disappointing.

Fifth, I think I learned from you that sex and romantic attraction are so bad they can’t even be mentioned. When they were mentioned, usually only by someone on television, I recall you sighing, mumbling, turning the television off, and pretending nothing happened. I think I got the idea that sex is truly a deviant topic, and that anyone versed in it is a bad person. I don’t know what to say or do with this issue now. I don’t need you to suddenly change your views on this topic. Maybe it would help if we both acknowledge that your puritanical views on sex were passed down to me, and that they did not prepare me to live in the modern world.

So, now what? Hopefully it will help me to have simply expressed my feelings about these aspects of my upbringing. I don’t know.

Love,

MC

Chasing Amy from Where?

Why did I have Chasing Amy Syndrome, the obsession with female chastity that led me to compete for sexual experience as a symbol of adulthood, masculinity, and self-esteem, and to feel intimidated by any woman who is not a virginal, two-dimensional, eternally innocent, Disney princess? I think I understand how I developed such wrong thinking. When I recognize it inside me, I know how to swat it away. I struggle, however, to excise is from my subconscious, so it does not covertly drive me to say or do things that are judgmental or unloving.

Here, I believe, is how it began. As an only child for the first five years of life, and having overprotective parents who did not have many social connections with friends or their own families, I was uncomfortable with other people, especially girls. My parents sheltered me, and I was resentful about it.

I was timid and physically small. I wished to have more confidence with sports, but did not put much effort into it. I was told sports are not important, and I did not learn perseverance and resiliency.

As a racial minority in a small, almost entirely white town, I wished very much to be treated as “normal,” something many whites, including well-intentioned adults, were almost incapable of doing. Even my mother, in my view, focused too much on differences with other people rather than similarities.

The majority of people in the town, including all of my extended family on one side, were of the same Church. My mother angrily rejected the Church while simultaneously teaching me that all of its views on sex and gender were “normal” and “good.” I think this planted misogyny in my subconscious while leaving progressive views in my conscious mind.

I was teased by peers for my relatively late puberty and late interest in girls. My first serious girlfriend refused to have sex with me. A short time later, she announced that she had sex with someone else and told me she was ready for sex with me. I was silently angry.

My second serious girlfriend similarly refused sex with me and then got pregnant with someone else. Chasing Amy Syndrome gradually dominated my life when I was with another serious girlfriend in college. I was irrationally jealous of her previous experiences. She and I had sex often. Looking back on it, I wonder whether it could be described as compulsive sex. Then, finally, Chasing Amy Syndrome reared its ugly head in my marriage.

So, that’s how it started. If I know the roots of my bad thinking, then what? How do I remove my biases about women and sex? I have removed it from my conscious mind. But, I fear it is still stuck in my subconscious.

Mermaid versus swim partner

The other day when TL and I were scuba diving, the sight of fins made me think of mermaids. It reminded me that in Hans Christian Anderson’s tale the mermaid ultimately changed who she was in order to become a wife. That’s what I inflicted on TL. I forced her to be more like my image of her and less like herself. Now, in trying to repair the damage I caused, I’m trying to swim in the sea with her instead of forcing her to be something she is not.